Had a meeting at fucking 6am, meaning I had to wake and drive at 4:30am so running did not happen. But I will get my 2 miles in tonight after work. Yesterdays intake: Latte, 1 cup corn chowder with lots of hot sauce and an apple juice. I will not feel guilty about the apple juice. It's so weird....drinking my latte with vanilla flavoring does not bother me....fruit juice on the other hand.....
Today: Latte. I would really like to try to get by on juice until I get home and run and THEN have my soup. But I worry that could lead to a binge. So I might have soup at work and then just diet soda when I get home....then to bed. But the parents are always watching. God dammit. I'm too old for this. I NEED my own place. Have I said this before? ;)
I got one "have you lost weight?" yesterday. I don't feel like I have....but maybe? I've been itching to get on the scale...but I will resist until Monday.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Deceit in the Kitchen
Did my 2 miles this morning. Yesterdays intake was my latte and a bowl of Amy's Split Pea Soup and Diet Coke. I didn't eat until 6pm yesterday and I SOOOOO wanted to just do another day of nothing but I knew it would be a bad idea since I had to work today.
Dirtied up the kitchen yesterday when my dad took a nap. There is something so odd and powerful about holding a piece of bread and scattering a few crumbs on the counter and NOT stuffing it in your face. Dip a knife in veganaise, put it in the sink. Throw out bread and a few pieces of Tofurkey. *Deep breath* and relax.
Trisha emailed me back. Kat is moving. Good fucking riddens. I HATE her. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. I hate thinking about them.
Lame update.
---------------------------------------------
All that wander. I only do long runs (5miles+) if I've had a binge the night before. I usually have enough energy from all the calories I took in or enough anger to push myself. For the liquid days 2 miles is rough. I don't get lightheaded but it gets hard to breathe. I'm definitely not a fast runner, but right now I'm keeping my miles well under 10 minutes so I'm happy with that :)
Dirtied up the kitchen yesterday when my dad took a nap. There is something so odd and powerful about holding a piece of bread and scattering a few crumbs on the counter and NOT stuffing it in your face. Dip a knife in veganaise, put it in the sink. Throw out bread and a few pieces of Tofurkey. *Deep breath* and relax.
Trisha emailed me back. Kat is moving. Good fucking riddens. I HATE her. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. I hate thinking about them.
Lame update.
---------------------------------------------
All that wander. I only do long runs (5miles+) if I've had a binge the night before. I usually have enough energy from all the calories I took in or enough anger to push myself. For the liquid days 2 miles is rough. I don't get lightheaded but it gets hard to breathe. I'm definitely not a fast runner, but right now I'm keeping my miles well under 10 minutes so I'm happy with that :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Only one good thing worth trying to be
and it's loved. I love that song. In my head. And I'm sad, so I like it there.
Email fight with Trisha last night. Which is entirely one sided since she never responds to me. Went out with my college friends. Left feeling ugly and inadequate. I love them, I really do. It's my own insecurities that stops me from enjoying myself. One of the girls was my roommate my freshman year. We use to restrict silently together and then binge big time on the weekends (think bags of chips, cookies...the works, spread all over the dorm room). While she'd head to the bathroom to barf or use laxatives, I'd sit on my bed crying. Slice open my arms. And go to the gym. We never talked about any of this. It was just something we did. She is now a mother of two, with one on the way. Beautiful....model gorgeous. The other two girls? One just graduated law school, the other a successful real estate agent. Have I mentioned they are all beautiful? And then there is me. I have no fashion sense, so even if I wasn't short and weird looking....it would mean nothing. I hang out with them and I'm reminded how gross I am. Anyways, it was Olive Garden as I mentioned before. Everyone made a HUGE fucking deal that I was just having wine despite the fact that I have, on numerous occasions, said there is NOTHING there I can eat. The dumb ass waitress tried to tell me that the Alfredo was vegan. I TRUST NO ONE....simply because they are all RETARDED! So, I got away yesterday with my latte and two glasses of white wine. And felt lovely. I made a "fake dinner" and threw it out before I left. What a fucking thrill. There is something wrong with me. Secrets make me strong.
So, since I had nothing yesterday (I don't count alcohols or my latte) I ran my one mile. I think I injured my knee slightly on my 5 mile so today was a little difficult. I was kind of gimping through the park. Whatever.
How depressed I am can always be determined by my bill at Half Priced Books. In the last week and a half I've spent over $150. And I can't even start any of the new books I got because I'm STILL trying to work through "The Little Stranger"....which is a STUPID, boring book. I bought "Winter Girls"...I'm slightly embarrassed but I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there and it was only $4. I also got some Faery books. Cassie taught me how to read tarot cards at the last wine night so I've been working with my Faery Oracle Cards I've had for years and never used. It's been fun. That card I pulled last night when asking whether this thing with me and Trisha is meant to be. It signifies being open to love without conditions. It was upside down though so it can be interpreted as being unable to love others until the self is loved. Oh, faery oracle....you know me so well! Hahah!
I'm not going to the beach today. Mainly because it was just a chore to get out of bed. And I just want to chill today and not drive all over timbucktwo. Depending on the number Monday I may do pictures or a vlog....Ohhhh exciting! Hahha not really, but I think it'd be fun. I've enjoyed it in the past when some of you girls have done them.
------------
Also....does anyone know why it doesn't show my followers on the side? It says I have none, but I know I have 10. :(
Email fight with Trisha last night. Which is entirely one sided since she never responds to me. Went out with my college friends. Left feeling ugly and inadequate. I love them, I really do. It's my own insecurities that stops me from enjoying myself. One of the girls was my roommate my freshman year. We use to restrict silently together and then binge big time on the weekends (think bags of chips, cookies...the works, spread all over the dorm room). While she'd head to the bathroom to barf or use laxatives, I'd sit on my bed crying. Slice open my arms. And go to the gym. We never talked about any of this. It was just something we did. She is now a mother of two, with one on the way. Beautiful....model gorgeous. The other two girls? One just graduated law school, the other a successful real estate agent. Have I mentioned they are all beautiful? And then there is me. I have no fashion sense, so even if I wasn't short and weird looking....it would mean nothing. I hang out with them and I'm reminded how gross I am. Anyways, it was Olive Garden as I mentioned before. Everyone made a HUGE fucking deal that I was just having wine despite the fact that I have, on numerous occasions, said there is NOTHING there I can eat. The dumb ass waitress tried to tell me that the Alfredo was vegan. I TRUST NO ONE....simply because they are all RETARDED! So, I got away yesterday with my latte and two glasses of white wine. And felt lovely. I made a "fake dinner" and threw it out before I left. What a fucking thrill. There is something wrong with me. Secrets make me strong.
So, since I had nothing yesterday (I don't count alcohols or my latte) I ran my one mile. I think I injured my knee slightly on my 5 mile so today was a little difficult. I was kind of gimping through the park. Whatever.
How depressed I am can always be determined by my bill at Half Priced Books. In the last week and a half I've spent over $150. And I can't even start any of the new books I got because I'm STILL trying to work through "The Little Stranger"....which is a STUPID, boring book. I bought "Winter Girls"...I'm slightly embarrassed but I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there and it was only $4. I also got some Faery books. Cassie taught me how to read tarot cards at the last wine night so I've been working with my Faery Oracle Cards I've had for years and never used. It's been fun. That card I pulled last night when asking whether this thing with me and Trisha is meant to be. It signifies being open to love without conditions. It was upside down though so it can be interpreted as being unable to love others until the self is loved. Oh, faery oracle....you know me so well! Hahah!I'm not going to the beach today. Mainly because it was just a chore to get out of bed. And I just want to chill today and not drive all over timbucktwo. Depending on the number Monday I may do pictures or a vlog....Ohhhh exciting! Hahha not really, but I think it'd be fun. I've enjoyed it in the past when some of you girls have done them.
------------
Also....does anyone know why it doesn't show my followers on the side? It says I have none, but I know I have 10. :(
Monday, December 5, 2011
Soup, Sandwiches and Starbucks
Oh dear, Dad's catching on. Today's conversation revolved around how I only drink Starbucks and when I'm not having Starbucks I'm eating soup. I had a fucking sandwich yesterday thank you very much.....which accounts for my 1lb weight GAIN.
I need out of here.
I ran 5 miles today because of my slight binge. I've decided if I haven't eaten anything the day before 1 mile is acceptable. Liquids 2-3miles. Mild-Medium binges 4-5miles. Massive lose control binges 7-8 miles. Also included on any day I binge is some resistance training the night of.
Mondays are now weigh ins since the first has come and gone. 100lbs. I'm blaming that on the binge and the slight possibility I'm gaining a little muscle from running. Since I gained....it's nothing today and liquids for the week. Which works. I'm scheduled to go with my "friends" to Olive Garden where I will promptly involve myself in a glass of white wine. If I lose next Monday then I can go back to crunchy things like carrots and salsas and hummus and pineapple and apples and all that jazz. Oh yeah....obsession came and kicked my ass.
I sent a picture to Trisha in my new Sara B shirt. She said I needed to eat. I say she is only saying that because she knows I'm not. Here are my new shirts....maybe next week I will post a picture of ME in them...if I've lost.
Happy Monday all!
I need out of here.
I ran 5 miles today because of my slight binge. I've decided if I haven't eaten anything the day before 1 mile is acceptable. Liquids 2-3miles. Mild-Medium binges 4-5miles. Massive lose control binges 7-8 miles. Also included on any day I binge is some resistance training the night of.
Mondays are now weigh ins since the first has come and gone. 100lbs. I'm blaming that on the binge and the slight possibility I'm gaining a little muscle from running. Since I gained....it's nothing today and liquids for the week. Which works. I'm scheduled to go with my "friends" to Olive Garden where I will promptly involve myself in a glass of white wine. If I lose next Monday then I can go back to crunchy things like carrots and salsas and hummus and pineapple and apples and all that jazz. Oh yeah....obsession came and kicked my ass.
I sent a picture to Trisha in my new Sara B shirt. She said I needed to eat. I say she is only saying that because she knows I'm not. Here are my new shirts....maybe next week I will post a picture of ME in them...if I've lost.
Happy Monday all!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Protected.
************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
If the sight of unused razor blades is triggering for you...please proceed no further. <3 Jade
This blade has been mocking me for weeks. And I wonder if it's what started shit spinning in my head. Of course no one in my family knows that leaving razor blades strewn about the house would be triggering for me. This particular one has moved a few times, but it finally found it's resting place underneath the bones of the left over thanksgiving turkey. I've been watching it curiously since the dreadful holiday. As disgusting and morbid it is to have those bones sitting on the window sill, it's protecting me. Keeping my twitching fingers from reaching for it.
Anyways, I do apologize for the word vomit on my last entry. I felt like I was on crack and couldn't stop talking. I'm less chatty today. And only here to tell you that running has been going well. My Sara Bareilles shirts I ordered on black friday came yesterday. And Trisha sent me a present and it made me happy :) It's the book version of this amazing spoken word, long but worth the listen.
If the sight of unused razor blades is triggering for you...please proceed no further. <3 Jade
Anyways, I do apologize for the word vomit on my last entry. I felt like I was on crack and couldn't stop talking. I'm less chatty today. And only here to tell you that running has been going well. My Sara Bareilles shirts I ordered on black friday came yesterday. And Trisha sent me a present and it made me happy :) It's the book version of this amazing spoken word, long but worth the listen.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
What? Me?....a social life?
Yes, I think it's happened. I have the next four days off and all but one are filled with something to do. It's a bit overwhelming because what I really really want to do is curl up in front of the fire with my animals and read. But, it feels nice to have friends...I think?
Hung out with Cassie last night for another wine night. I ended up just drinking 2 mike's hard lemonades and was wonderfully drunk. Woohoo for drinking on an empty stomach ;) It was nice staying up until 4am and just talking. Just talking. *sigh* I can't explain to you girls how amazing it feels. I literally have been silent for roughly 10 years....since high school (wow that aged me a bit). Trisha was my secret keeper (yeah I harry potter referenced) I have had NO friends....or people I would actually consider friends. You know the ones...the girls you can sit and talk to without fretting over how you look or what you say? Anyways, so it's been nice to have Cassie. I enjoy her company. I think she enjoys mine, and I spend the whole night laughing and smiling. God...that alone feels good. TO LAUGH.
Today I'm going apartment hunting with an old friend from High School. I REALLY hope I'm successful in finding something. We are checking out the West Seattle area. I NEED to be moved out by the first of January. How wonderful would that be? What a great start to the new year. All I can think of is decorating a space that is all mine.
Sunday, because my mom has been getting all weepy, saying things like "I never see you anymore" I will be sitting at home with her crocheting. Or rather she will be teaching me to crochet. I've never gotten the hang of it. Knitting I get. So that will be good. I love having crafty things I can do with my hands. Keeps them from shoving crap in my face.
Monday night I kind of have two things planned and it's stressing me out because I'm going to either have to be really late to one or not go to another. I'm meeting up with my college roomates from freshman year. I love them so much. And we always try to do a monthly get together. We are going to Olive Garden (Vegan haters....which works for me because I can get away with only drinking wine). Later that night a guy from work invited me to his place for bloody mary's. Typically my stance on guys, alcohol and their apartments are "HELL NO"...but he's super nice and in a good relationship already, knows I'm a lesbian, and we've already connected on the "having your heart broken" stuff. I never hang out with guys....never have I had even guy friends but I like him. He reminds me so much of my brother...quite a prankster and just silly. Acts like he's 18 but he's 24 hahaha. Anyways, so yeah I'm hoping that get together starts a little later.
Tuesday will be MY day. Depending on how I'm feeling I might drive to the beach. It takes about 2.5 hours. If I can get my ass out of bed early enough I might do that and do my run on the beach. Which sounds beautiful...even if it's going to be bite ass cold.
Also, side random note. Anyone ever gotten the bingys in a highly public place? I was at work yesterday and I know that had I been at home alone I would have eaten the entire fridge. It was making me so anxious (working in a grocery store does not help) I took my 10 and wandered around the store looking for something I could eat but knew that I wouldn't have enough time to have a "proper binge", besides the fact that I had NO place to do it. So I ended up getting the nastiest thing I could find just to stop myself from obsessing. I got a spinach quinoa salad...which doesn't sound bad...but it really was. I nommed on a little of that and then went back to work. On my lunch I just got a Chai tea because I was freaked out I was just going to lose my shit and eat the whole store and binge like crazy in front of everyone. Well, then wine night occurred and I just filled up on that. So here I am today and the bingys have subsided. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to know....have you ever lost control in front of people? The only person I've ever binged in front of is Trisha...and she hasn't actually seen the really bad ones at midnight where I sit on the floor and eat whatever is in front of me.
God this is long. I do apologize.
-------------------------------------------
Lottie: You made my life by checking when the next Monday the first is! Hahah I love that :) Let the countdown begin! Also, I'm a shorty 5''3'
Depressed: Thank you hun. You are so right.
All that Wander: Thank you! And definitely like Christmas! That's a wonderful way to put it!
Bones: I wish I knew what I was doing! Hahah...I'm wondering if I got here from the liquid fasting, but I've done that in the past and never had much success. Anyways, thanks girl!
Run: Hmmm what is it suppose to feel like? That's such a good question. I'm going to think on that.
Love LA: I need to work on muscle....I mean I'd like to have some....I just wish it wasn't so god damn heavy ya know? Hopefully with the running though I'll gain a bit of strength.
Hung out with Cassie last night for another wine night. I ended up just drinking 2 mike's hard lemonades and was wonderfully drunk. Woohoo for drinking on an empty stomach ;) It was nice staying up until 4am and just talking. Just talking. *sigh* I can't explain to you girls how amazing it feels. I literally have been silent for roughly 10 years....since high school (wow that aged me a bit). Trisha was my secret keeper (yeah I harry potter referenced) I have had NO friends....or people I would actually consider friends. You know the ones...the girls you can sit and talk to without fretting over how you look or what you say? Anyways, so it's been nice to have Cassie. I enjoy her company. I think she enjoys mine, and I spend the whole night laughing and smiling. God...that alone feels good. TO LAUGH.
Today I'm going apartment hunting with an old friend from High School. I REALLY hope I'm successful in finding something. We are checking out the West Seattle area. I NEED to be moved out by the first of January. How wonderful would that be? What a great start to the new year. All I can think of is decorating a space that is all mine.
Sunday, because my mom has been getting all weepy, saying things like "I never see you anymore" I will be sitting at home with her crocheting. Or rather she will be teaching me to crochet. I've never gotten the hang of it. Knitting I get. So that will be good. I love having crafty things I can do with my hands. Keeps them from shoving crap in my face.
Monday night I kind of have two things planned and it's stressing me out because I'm going to either have to be really late to one or not go to another. I'm meeting up with my college roomates from freshman year. I love them so much. And we always try to do a monthly get together. We are going to Olive Garden (Vegan haters....which works for me because I can get away with only drinking wine). Later that night a guy from work invited me to his place for bloody mary's. Typically my stance on guys, alcohol and their apartments are "HELL NO"...but he's super nice and in a good relationship already, knows I'm a lesbian, and we've already connected on the "having your heart broken" stuff. I never hang out with guys....never have I had even guy friends but I like him. He reminds me so much of my brother...quite a prankster and just silly. Acts like he's 18 but he's 24 hahaha. Anyways, so yeah I'm hoping that get together starts a little later.
Tuesday will be MY day. Depending on how I'm feeling I might drive to the beach. It takes about 2.5 hours. If I can get my ass out of bed early enough I might do that and do my run on the beach. Which sounds beautiful...even if it's going to be bite ass cold.
Also, side random note. Anyone ever gotten the bingys in a highly public place? I was at work yesterday and I know that had I been at home alone I would have eaten the entire fridge. It was making me so anxious (working in a grocery store does not help) I took my 10 and wandered around the store looking for something I could eat but knew that I wouldn't have enough time to have a "proper binge", besides the fact that I had NO place to do it. So I ended up getting the nastiest thing I could find just to stop myself from obsessing. I got a spinach quinoa salad...which doesn't sound bad...but it really was. I nommed on a little of that and then went back to work. On my lunch I just got a Chai tea because I was freaked out I was just going to lose my shit and eat the whole store and binge like crazy in front of everyone. Well, then wine night occurred and I just filled up on that. So here I am today and the bingys have subsided. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to know....have you ever lost control in front of people? The only person I've ever binged in front of is Trisha...and she hasn't actually seen the really bad ones at midnight where I sit on the floor and eat whatever is in front of me.
God this is long. I do apologize.
-------------------------------------------
Lottie: You made my life by checking when the next Monday the first is! Hahah I love that :) Let the countdown begin! Also, I'm a shorty 5''3'
Depressed: Thank you hun. You are so right.
All that Wander: Thank you! And definitely like Christmas! That's a wonderful way to put it!
Bones: I wish I knew what I was doing! Hahah...I'm wondering if I got here from the liquid fasting, but I've done that in the past and never had much success. Anyways, thanks girl!
Run: Hmmm what is it suppose to feel like? That's such a good question. I'm going to think on that.
Love LA: I need to work on muscle....I mean I'd like to have some....I just wish it wasn't so god damn heavy ya know? Hopefully with the running though I'll gain a bit of strength.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
What...the...fuck.
Happy December first?
God, I love the first. I also love Mondays. I wish it was Monday December first. Oh a girl can dream.
Anyways, I weighed myself this morning. And, I'm not happy with the number for completely opposite reasons than I thought I'd be. First off, I thought I'd be around 104...I even convinced myself yesterday as I was buying the scale I wouldn't be completely depressed if I was around 107...111. I felt deep inside that I was going to be above 104. But it was going to be okay. "I'm going to start running...fasting, 800 cals, fasting, juices, soups, coffee....yes it will be alright" So, I kind of closed my eyes when I got on the scale...determined that no matter what it said....I would....be alright. Well it said 99. Completely naked, before showering, after my run.
"Fuck, I must have put the battery in wrong."
*pops out battery, shakes vigorously*
reweigh.
Flashing 99.
"Fuck, I got a broken scale."
Shower...obsess, obsess....
Dress.
reweigh
Flashing 100.
Listen for dad....sneak upstairs.
reweigh on mom's scale....3 times.
Flashing 97.
"God damn motherfucking scales! I pay for accuracy dammit!"
So, it's bittersweet. I don't feel under 100lbs. And I'm getting a new scale this weekend. I think I'm going to have to pull out the big bucks and get a nice one. Because now I don't trust this $20 clunker. And I'm also convinced that I've just lost a ton of muscle and it's all turned to fat. Because I still feel like I'm rolling out of my jeans. Anyways, enough of that.
Thank you for your comments Depressed and Bones :) I meet with my therapist on the 14th so we'll see how I'm feeling by then.
God, I love the first. I also love Mondays. I wish it was Monday December first. Oh a girl can dream.
Anyways, I weighed myself this morning. And, I'm not happy with the number for completely opposite reasons than I thought I'd be. First off, I thought I'd be around 104...I even convinced myself yesterday as I was buying the scale I wouldn't be completely depressed if I was around 107...111. I felt deep inside that I was going to be above 104. But it was going to be okay. "I'm going to start running...fasting, 800 cals, fasting, juices, soups, coffee....yes it will be alright" So, I kind of closed my eyes when I got on the scale...determined that no matter what it said....I would....be alright. Well it said 99. Completely naked, before showering, after my run.
"Fuck, I must have put the battery in wrong."
*pops out battery, shakes vigorously*
reweigh.
Flashing 99.
"Fuck, I got a broken scale."
Shower...obsess, obsess....
Dress.
reweigh
Flashing 100.
Listen for dad....sneak upstairs.
reweigh on mom's scale....3 times.
Flashing 97.
"God damn motherfucking scales! I pay for accuracy dammit!"
So, it's bittersweet. I don't feel under 100lbs. And I'm getting a new scale this weekend. I think I'm going to have to pull out the big bucks and get a nice one. Because now I don't trust this $20 clunker. And I'm also convinced that I've just lost a ton of muscle and it's all turned to fat. Because I still feel like I'm rolling out of my jeans. Anyways, enough of that.
Thank you for your comments Depressed and Bones :) I meet with my therapist on the 14th so we'll see how I'm feeling by then.
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