Monday morning MY scale said 95. My mom's 92.5. I did two days of no food and then a slice of celebration roast and some salad on Christmas....so I'm sure I just lost water weight but I'm happy to see that I beat my goal for this week which was 95.5. Next Monday is 94. When I weighed this morning on my mom's scale (everyone was home so I couldn't sneak my scale into the bathroom) it said 95.5....so I know I gained a lot back...but I haven't binged. So I'm trying not to freak out and will just wait to assess on Monday and will determine my running schedule for that week depending.
Trisha and I had an epic blowout this morning. I can't even get into the details because it just upsets me so much. I feel so sad about where things are at with us. And I want to make her feel as guilty as I do. Eating won't be a problem this week.
Lyndsey and I are getting somewhat serious. Oh wait? I'm not sure I updated you all on my Christmas evening after work with her. We talked....and kissed. For the first time. It was nice. I stayed at her place a couple nights ago...and that was nice as well. I'm nervous. I really never thought I'd get comfortable with someone again...to even consider...sex. And we are definitely entering that stage of things....ugh...it's moving fast. We talk about everything before anything ever happens. Which I like. And I have nerves like you wouldn't believe about this next step. But then again, so does she. She has never actually had sex. We will be having an actual in depth conversation because she has had some definite abuse take place in the past and I'm terrified to have that talk. She is much further along in her processing of all of her stuff. I have barely admitted to myself what happened to me and hearing her shit scares me. Ugh...well this was a cryptic paragraph. But basically we will be talking before we have sex. You didn't need to know that but I'm talking about it anyways. This blog has become my dumping ground and I apologize. I've been terrible about responding to comments and reading. What I need right now is just a place for free flow thought. I will get back to better soon.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Eve Insomnia
I have been up all night. Not one bit of sleep. Literally staring at a wall until 3:30am then emailed Lyndsey (This is Cassie's new agreed upon name) my rambly late night thoughts and now I'm sitting here at Starbucks wondering how I'm going to make it through this day. I only slept 1.5 hours the night before. Hip bones are here. Finally. And the thigh gap is almost back. Parents are suspicious but hide suspicion by just buying foods that I eventually give in and binge on at odd hours of the night. I know they hear me. Binging makes me feel disgusting....even more so when people know what I'm doing. Need apartment. Also need a treadmill because it's getting fucking cold!
Lyndsey and I are talking after work tonight. It's been planned out. We usually do talk after work whenever we close together. We have sat in the parking lot for hours...literally 5 hours once, just talking. But this conversation will revolve around what's happening. I love that our minds are so similar because we have sat and obsessed over something that I think we both think is starting but both of us are too shy to do anything about. *sigh* Anyways, I'm nervous to start anything too serious with her. I like her, I do. But I'm not sure I want to be back in a relationship right now. Hmm...more on that convo later.
Onto food. The scale is starting to rule me a bit...which is fucking obnoxious. I have been weighing twice a day. No more. Despite the major binge fest, my mom's scale says 96.5 which I think means my scale would say 98.5 so I didn't gain but things must be shifting since my hip bones are here....my scale is stuck downstairs in grandma's bathroom and I haven't been able to get to it yet. I WILL get it by Monday for accuracy's sake. I've been allowing solid foods here and there but like to keep to liquids most days. As I mentioned I'm very loosely following ABC. Only in that I'm back on counting calories (another shitty sign that I'm obsessing) and alternating anywhere between 100-500 cals. and never above 800....unless it's binge day. In which case I run. Run away from the calories and from the jiggles and the ass.
I was writing in my journal the other day and I said something that actually made me stop and think for a second.... "It's not okay to be sad unless I'm sick." I can't stand the thought of being alone in my depression. Of JUST being depressed. I AM sad....I don't really know why...but I am. And that isn't enough. That alone isn't right. When I screw with my eating, when I cut, it's so much better....it's manageable. It's OKAY. It validates the sadness. Anyways, I've been thinking about this more and more. I don't know what it means.
I've been doing this thing in my car. I know a lot of you love music as well so maybe you can relate. I've kind of been on a pop music run right now. So I just keep on the local radio station here that plays that stuff, but when something awesome comes on, say a little Lady Gaga or *gasp* Selena Gomez (god that is embarrassing to admit) I turn it up loud....not loud, but really LOUD....like it almost hurts. The music feels like a big blanket, just vibrating through the car. And my heart beats to it. It feels amazing. It's a guaranteed way to shut my head off sometimes. And since my head is constantly going on the way to work this has been really helpful. Anyways, that was kind of a random share. Lol....I'm definitely sleep deprived.
Hope you all have good weekends and holidays. I will be back to report life probably on Wednesday. I'm going to try to go comment and catch up! :)
Lyndsey and I are talking after work tonight. It's been planned out. We usually do talk after work whenever we close together. We have sat in the parking lot for hours...literally 5 hours once, just talking. But this conversation will revolve around what's happening. I love that our minds are so similar because we have sat and obsessed over something that I think we both think is starting but both of us are too shy to do anything about. *sigh* Anyways, I'm nervous to start anything too serious with her. I like her, I do. But I'm not sure I want to be back in a relationship right now. Hmm...more on that convo later.
Onto food. The scale is starting to rule me a bit...which is fucking obnoxious. I have been weighing twice a day. No more. Despite the major binge fest, my mom's scale says 96.5 which I think means my scale would say 98.5 so I didn't gain but things must be shifting since my hip bones are here....my scale is stuck downstairs in grandma's bathroom and I haven't been able to get to it yet. I WILL get it by Monday for accuracy's sake. I've been allowing solid foods here and there but like to keep to liquids most days. As I mentioned I'm very loosely following ABC. Only in that I'm back on counting calories (another shitty sign that I'm obsessing) and alternating anywhere between 100-500 cals. and never above 800....unless it's binge day. In which case I run. Run away from the calories and from the jiggles and the ass.
I was writing in my journal the other day and I said something that actually made me stop and think for a second.... "It's not okay to be sad unless I'm sick." I can't stand the thought of being alone in my depression. Of JUST being depressed. I AM sad....I don't really know why...but I am. And that isn't enough. That alone isn't right. When I screw with my eating, when I cut, it's so much better....it's manageable. It's OKAY. It validates the sadness. Anyways, I've been thinking about this more and more. I don't know what it means.
I've been doing this thing in my car. I know a lot of you love music as well so maybe you can relate. I've kind of been on a pop music run right now. So I just keep on the local radio station here that plays that stuff, but when something awesome comes on, say a little Lady Gaga or *gasp* Selena Gomez (god that is embarrassing to admit) I turn it up loud....not loud, but really LOUD....like it almost hurts. The music feels like a big blanket, just vibrating through the car. And my heart beats to it. It feels amazing. It's a guaranteed way to shut my head off sometimes. And since my head is constantly going on the way to work this has been really helpful. Anyways, that was kind of a random share. Lol....I'm definitely sleep deprived.
Hope you all have good weekends and holidays. I will be back to report life probably on Wednesday. I'm going to try to go comment and catch up! :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Go Away Emotions.
Hello dears.
My insides and head are filled with so much emotion I don't really know what to do with it right now. This is highly uncomfortable. I can't really categorize my feelings, which is stressful and I feel I'm kind of panicking/ floating on air. Oh so where to begin.
1. Cassie and I had our wine night (I need to change her name on here again...apparently she hates the name Cassie hahah!)
2. We ended up cuddling...and it was really nice. We talked about it before the next wine night...or texted about it.
3. Well this most recent wine night we cuddled more...and having had talked about it, it was even nicer.
4. We woke up this morning and stayed in bed, awake and talking and cuddling for a good 2 hours. Let me say that the entire night before I was wanting to kiss her. But I'm too shy and wasn't nearly drunk enough to make the first move. In the morning she rolled over and kissed me on the cheek which was sweet. And then...she ALMOST kissed me on the lips, but pulled away. I texted her later today about it which she was really glad about. But now I'm frightened things are going to get awkward. I told her I definitely wouldn't have minded if she followed through with the kiss.
So I've got some happy things going on there....I think. It actually just feels nice to have someone I can openly talk to about a lot of stuff and be physically close with. Because I don't touch a lot of people and I don't let a lot of people touch me. Not having Trisha, I've been feeling like I've actually been getting depressed from lack of touch.
I also spilled my guts about food to her. Which I hate. I was NOT going to do that, but she kept asking. And there is no reason not to trust her. I just worry that she will 1. Be triggered by my shit or 2. Worry, which I DEFINITELY don't want and I also don't want her to be watching me so closely. It makes me nervous, her knowing that I have "issues" and to know that she is now watching those issues. Ahhh, I can't explain.
So where does Trisha fit into all this? I don't know. Hence the constant freak out in my head. I'm not in love with Cassie. I'm not even sure I'm in lust with Cassie. I just like what's happening. I still desire a future with Trisha, kids a house. Everything. God I don't know.
I semi started ABCin' it recently, though I kind of have my own rules. I've started running again too. Weigh in on Monday. Though I'm freaking out about that. Also, I had to move my stuff upstairs because Grandma is coming to visit ('tis the season). I have to share a bathroom with my mom. Good bye comfortable weigh ins. I'm going to have to sneak. Which I hate.
More on the social and starving life later. Missed you girls.
My insides and head are filled with so much emotion I don't really know what to do with it right now. This is highly uncomfortable. I can't really categorize my feelings, which is stressful and I feel I'm kind of panicking/ floating on air. Oh so where to begin.
1. Cassie and I had our wine night (I need to change her name on here again...apparently she hates the name Cassie hahah!)
2. We ended up cuddling...and it was really nice. We talked about it before the next wine night...or texted about it.
3. Well this most recent wine night we cuddled more...and having had talked about it, it was even nicer.
4. We woke up this morning and stayed in bed, awake and talking and cuddling for a good 2 hours. Let me say that the entire night before I was wanting to kiss her. But I'm too shy and wasn't nearly drunk enough to make the first move. In the morning she rolled over and kissed me on the cheek which was sweet. And then...she ALMOST kissed me on the lips, but pulled away. I texted her later today about it which she was really glad about. But now I'm frightened things are going to get awkward. I told her I definitely wouldn't have minded if she followed through with the kiss.
So I've got some happy things going on there....I think. It actually just feels nice to have someone I can openly talk to about a lot of stuff and be physically close with. Because I don't touch a lot of people and I don't let a lot of people touch me. Not having Trisha, I've been feeling like I've actually been getting depressed from lack of touch.
I also spilled my guts about food to her. Which I hate. I was NOT going to do that, but she kept asking. And there is no reason not to trust her. I just worry that she will 1. Be triggered by my shit or 2. Worry, which I DEFINITELY don't want and I also don't want her to be watching me so closely. It makes me nervous, her knowing that I have "issues" and to know that she is now watching those issues. Ahhh, I can't explain.
So where does Trisha fit into all this? I don't know. Hence the constant freak out in my head. I'm not in love with Cassie. I'm not even sure I'm in lust with Cassie. I just like what's happening. I still desire a future with Trisha, kids a house. Everything. God I don't know.
I semi started ABCin' it recently, though I kind of have my own rules. I've started running again too. Weigh in on Monday. Though I'm freaking out about that. Also, I had to move my stuff upstairs because Grandma is coming to visit ('tis the season). I have to share a bathroom with my mom. Good bye comfortable weigh ins. I'm going to have to sneak. Which I hate.
More on the social and starving life later. Missed you girls.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Bummer Mood.
Hello everyone. This is not going to be a happy post. I'm rather down and I'm down that I'm down. If that makes any sense. I've been stuffing my face since my 10 miler. And I'm not even hungry. It's disgusting. I've been closing my eyes when I go to the bathroom because I can't look at my legs. I can't face the mirror and showers are tricky. I feel all wobbly and sick. But that's not what I came to type about.
I had the shittiest day yesterday. I actually think....god I don't even want to type it out :'( I cannot cry in a Starbucks...ugh. I think Trisha and I...might be done. I am an asshole. I AM a verbal abuser. I've cut her down to nothing. Made sure she will never want me back. And I don't know why. I WILL be alone. I have no life without her. I'm sad and terrified. I feel myself slipping. It's scaring me. I want an apartment so I can come home from work and drown myself in vodka and sleeping pills....not to even die. Just not to feel. I took a few sleeping pills yesterday after my parents went to sleep. And then I had to drag myself to therapy. Which I HATE this new therapist. Today was the first time I mentioned the cutting and she seemed to think I did it to get attention from Trisha...umm excuse me? I've been cutting for 11 years, before I even knew Trisha, and Trisha didn't even know when I cut most times. Whatever. I miss B so much, it hurts. I went and looked at her therapy webpage today. Yeah I'm stalking my old therapist. Really, I just wanted to see her. I wish I could email her but I'm too afraid. There is nothing she can do for me now. She hired someone else in her office, so it looks like things are going really well for her :( I miss talking to her. I miss her being nice to me. She has a facebook and I want to add her....but don't want to at the same time. I'm rambling.
In other news, I'm sitting at a Starbucks outside the Paramont Theater in Seattle waiting to see Tori Amos....by myself (can we say loser?) I don't care. I really wanted to see her.
Anyways, thank you again for all your comments. I wish I could have upheld the awesomeness that was inspired by that 10 mile run by not bingeing. I hope I didn't let you all down. Getting my shit together on Friday.
I had the shittiest day yesterday. I actually think....god I don't even want to type it out :'( I cannot cry in a Starbucks...ugh. I think Trisha and I...might be done. I am an asshole. I AM a verbal abuser. I've cut her down to nothing. Made sure she will never want me back. And I don't know why. I WILL be alone. I have no life without her. I'm sad and terrified. I feel myself slipping. It's scaring me. I want an apartment so I can come home from work and drown myself in vodka and sleeping pills....not to even die. Just not to feel. I took a few sleeping pills yesterday after my parents went to sleep. And then I had to drag myself to therapy. Which I HATE this new therapist. Today was the first time I mentioned the cutting and she seemed to think I did it to get attention from Trisha...umm excuse me? I've been cutting for 11 years, before I even knew Trisha, and Trisha didn't even know when I cut most times. Whatever. I miss B so much, it hurts. I went and looked at her therapy webpage today. Yeah I'm stalking my old therapist. Really, I just wanted to see her. I wish I could email her but I'm too afraid. There is nothing she can do for me now. She hired someone else in her office, so it looks like things are going really well for her :( I miss talking to her. I miss her being nice to me. She has a facebook and I want to add her....but don't want to at the same time. I'm rambling.
In other news, I'm sitting at a Starbucks outside the Paramont Theater in Seattle waiting to see Tori Amos....by myself (can we say loser?) I don't care. I really wanted to see her.
Anyways, thank you again for all your comments. I wish I could have upheld the awesomeness that was inspired by that 10 mile run by not bingeing. I hope I didn't let you all down. Getting my shit together on Friday.
Monday, December 12, 2011
98.5
Yeah...not much of a loss. Could it be the massive binge I had last night? I rectified it somewhat with 10 miles this morning (yeah I ate that much) and I hope to do 5 miles tonight...but will even settle for 2.
Someone had drawn dicks all around the lake sidewalk. So I ran in circles seeing penis after penis. Awesome.
Sorry for the shit update....again!!!
I swear, my next day off will be a proper update.
Someone had drawn dicks all around the lake sidewalk. So I ran in circles seeing penis after penis. Awesome.
Sorry for the shit update....again!!!
I swear, my next day off will be a proper update.
Friday, December 9, 2011
My Baby Alien
So had a pretty good day yesterday despite being completely exhausted. Yes, that meeting was far too early. Got a bit giddy because a girl I'm kind of fun crushing on wants me to teach her to knit....so we might get together next week. She is probably straight as an arrow...which is fine...because I'm definitely asexual. (I still haven't blogged about that...hmmm) I just like being in her presence.
Anyways, I had this really awesome drink called "GoodBelly"...anyone had it? We sell them in these tiny containers at work and it's 100 cals. I needed it on my 10min because I felt like I was going to pass out. It gave me a good boost of energy. Then at lunch I had a cup of veggie soup. Got home around 9pm...ran for 3 miles (I don't know why I did that I only needed to do 2...but I was on a roll) and then fell asleep after my shower. Woke up this morning and had the hardest time dragging myself out of bed and out onto the sidewalk for a crappy 2mile run. Worst yet I'd say. Had a really difficult time pushing myself but once I start a workout I don't stop.
Also, creepy moment. I was taking my shirt off after I ran...so I'm standing in front of the mirror, topless with my arms raised over my head and I can SEE my heart pumping...right underneath my boob (tmi sorry) but it looked like it was going to JUMP out of my chest! I stood there for a good 5 minutes just watching it. Fascinating. It looked like a tiny alien. Weird.
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