Seems to be that time again...

That time...the time where my mind has become so fucking stuck in self hatred and guilt, and FAT. It's actually time to do something about it. And I always feel like...yes! this will be the time. I don't even necessarily want to be happy. I just want to not hate myself.

Monday I'm restarting my Marathon Training. 4 months. And going raw. As raw as I feel like it anyways. Keeps me away from breads and carby shit like pizza. Some of my rules are as follows:

-no more than 1 serving of nuts a day
-no more than 2 cups of coffee or 1 latte a day (I know this isn't raw...I cannot part with my coffee. I literally start to hate my life even more than usual when I'm off it)
-alcohol once a week...again... not raw but whatever. Lyndsey and I have our once a week get together. We rarely get trashed anymore...just sip wine or Mike's and talk.

I kick tomorrow off with a 40 minute run. I haven't been running in weeks. My pants don't even fit. Yes, bingefest galore. I feel awful sick. Disgusting. Just gross.

New Day...plans in the works

So...apologies first off for that last post. I absolutely HATE being interupted...but it had been so long since I'd updated. Anyways, I've started running again. It took my awhile to get back to it because after moving I went into "ahhh! I'm afraid to go outside" mode. Which sucked...because I was also eating a bit more than usual. Okay...a lot more. Anyways, it is important for me to keep up my running and workout routine which is why I'm not going to restrict as heavily as before. 

Breakfast: nuts and almond yogurt

Lunch: salad

Dinner: soup and fruit

This meal plan should let me fall around 1000 calories a day. If I keep up with my minimum of 3 miles a day running. 1 mile walking (with dogs) and 30 minutes of workout video (Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30) I fall somewhere under 800. Binge days as usual require 10 miles of running. 

Anyways, I hope to be able to properly update soon. I'm seriously lacking the money but I need to get internet in my apartment. Love you guys. Thanks for reading. :)

Abruptly ended...thank you parents.

Well I dropped off the radar for a bit. Things have been odd, I feel completely displaced and out of my routine and my body is fully showing that right now. I've had a binge belly for the last week now and it's utterly depressing. Lynndsey loves my body...apparently. Of course she first saw me naked when I was around 95lbs. I'm absolutely terrified of the scale. It snowed really badly at my place about a week ago and she was stuck at my apartment for three days. We had binges together. It was awful and beautiful all at the same time. It's like we were letting each other in to our dirty little secrets...offering each other our trust...being completely vulnerable in front of one another. Of course as the days went on and I continued to eat...getting naked got harder.

Jeesus H CHRIST. I was doing this at home on my laptop and my parents keep popping their nosey little fucking faces over. To be continued....

Still here!

God. Moving has kicked my ass. I have been having about two days of decent restriction followed by 1-3 days of massive binging. It's killing my soul. I know it's because there is all this change going on and my life is in upheaval and I don't have time to plan and calculate and regulate and list and obsess and it's stressing me out. I haven't been on the scale in a week because I'm absolutely terrified it will blink back a number above 100. So instead I'm getting my shit together on Monday (the purest of days) and WILL lose the blubber I've accumulated since the move and get things back in order. I NEED to get my tupperware so I can calculate out my meals for the week, stick them in the fridge and lessen the amount I have to think about crap. I NEED to find a running route here (this is about 90% of my problem. I haven't been running, but I've been eating...and it makes me sad) Lyndsey did offer her treadmill to me...which I thought was super sweet. Have I said we are officially dating now? Going on about 3 weeks now. We are going to have a soup date coming up :) Where we actually make soup together. It's really nice because we never go out to eat so I don't have to stress about that.

In other news. I drove up to my old hometown the other day. For several reasons this was difficult. It was the first time I'd been there since opening pandora's box with Brenda. I thought it would feel nice and freeing to go back...I obviously have not processed shit well enough though because the second I drove into town I got the shakey sweats. Fuck that. Trisha wouldn't answer my calls when I was there and I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it all. I had plans to visit my old house and the beach...none of which I did. Probably getting to a place with Lyndsey where I will be able to talk about some of this. Could be helpful. Could also just freak me the fuck out. Who knows. My head has been full of metal beads since I left. Time to clear some of that out.

So yeah....here's a risk I'm taking since it's been awhile. Picture of me :) Being nerdy and excited about my new apartment keys:

(removed)

Blargh....dimples and glasses and no makeup. Gah. This will be removed soon.

94.5

.5 lbs higher than today's goal. Oh well.

I checked my mom's scale which has been at most 3 lbs lighter than what I really am so I added to the 91.5 lbs (oh wouldn't it be lovely if I was really there?). I wasn't able to check with mine this morning because everyone is home and my usual "smuggle it in under my showering clothes" wouldn't work because my dad was actually sitting in the room next to the bathroom at his desk. Grrrr.

I went running last night. It's weird because I know if I run on a low calorie day it's almost a guarantee I will binge, but I worry that if I don't run I will binge anyways. So I run...and then I binge. It was okay yesterday because Sundays for some reason tend to be a "fuck it all to hell, stuff odd shit in my mouth" kind of binge. I had had 200 cals for the day, ran 5 miles and then probably ate somewhere near 2000 cals. Which at least brought me down to a "normal person" day. But ugh. I'm running tonight. Probably 5 again. And then sticking to soup.

Resolutions and such.

1. Find a gym community...YMCA possibly? Yoga, self defense classes, swimming?, zumba
2. Take an art and dance class
3. Learn to verbally communicate my emotions to trustworthy company
4. Read more and keep up a book blog
5. Product review blog
6. Reach and maintain a weight I am comfortable with
7. Make more quality friends
8. Volunteer at Pasado's Safe Haven and Pigs Peace Sanctuary
9. Paint more
10. Pay $2000 off my credit card
11. Walk the dogs daily
12. Buy less shit
13. Find peace in the confusion
14. Explore, be spontaneous, live and stress less
15. Train and run a 5K, 1/2 marathon and marathon
16. Go to more concerts, more free concerts
17. Get more involved in the vegan community...do more for animals
18. Be more organized with my bills and mail in general
19. Get contacts, wear makeup...feel hot even when I'm not wearing those things
20. Get a half sleeve tattoo


I don't feel too great today. I did my 10 yesterday night. No running this morning, I fucked up my knee pretty bad again. Grr.

I came downstairs to a full fucking and disgusting breakfast. Which of course I'm not expected to eat because nothing is even remotely vegan. But it reeks of butter and sausage and nastiness in this house and it's irritating me. Watching and hearing my family shovel this shit into their mouths makes me want to scream.

Yesterday on the way to Seattle my dad was getting on my food crap. Because it was 2pm and I wasn't hungry. I seriously eat most of my calories for the day after 4pm and fill up on coffees before that. So I was a little upset that we were going to that vegan cafe so early....since he was already being in my shit I knew I couldn't get away with a salad so settled for a Jamaican tofu wrap. UUUUUUUGGGGHHHH GOD WHY. It was heaven. And I tried to enjoy it since we were at this cute fancy vegan bistro. I love those places. I love veganism. I love the hot girl with all the cherry tattoos and low cut t-shirt serving us. I love the exposed brick wall and sprig of *insert some fancy twig name* they put in the water for extra flavor. So I ate. I enjoyed? I tried. I finished. When I got home I ran. And I felt like I was either going to puke or shit myself. Neither of which I did, but it was not an enjoyable run. Around mile 6 my knee started aching. By 10 I was gimping around. And now, this morning.....oh lord.

I found an apartment yesterday. This brings me joy. I step out onto the road of my apartment and am actually greeted by the space needle. I can WALK to the space needle. My apartment is a studio. You walk in and there is a kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom. And it's all mine. Lyndsey says she is going to help me sage cleanse the place and ALSO (so excited for this!) going to paint me something to hang in there.

So New Years. This is going to be THE night...for me and Lyndsey. I'm freaking out. So fucking scared. I'm going to Target real quick before work to buy cute underwear. I have had NO reason for cute underwear in quite sometime. Trisha and I got so comfortable around year 3 that it just didn't matter anymore. I'm getting strawberries and champagne. I told her I would eat strawberries. And she said she would too. She has major anxiety about eating in front of people, has had a past with eds (bulimia is what I know about but I suspect more). We both play this game where we "don't worry" about each other...while secretly stressing. This is something I think that will become an issue later on in our relationship.

Anyways, real quick I want to say thank you to:
Depressed Skinny Mess
All that wander
Bones
Mich

You have been consistent commenters and I'm not ignoring that. I really do appreciate what you have to say. I'm sorry I've been so lousy at repaying the kindness you have all shown me in response to my rants. Tack it on to my new years resolutions. Be better at commenting :) Love you all.

Ugh binge face.

Bloaty. That's how I feel. I'm headed up to Seattle with my dad today to look at apartments. And go to a vegan restaurant. *insert UGH here* I binged last night at around 2am. Fuck. I will not stress. Salad. After the apartment hunt I'm doing 10. Tomorrow I will do 10 before work as well. I hate binging so close to Monday's. I will be happy if I maintained this week.

Lyndsey and I have plans for New Year's. I'm excited. And I'm happy. Yes, she makes me happy. We will be watching The L Word (she has never seen it....*gasp!!!* I know!*) and Secretary....Maggie Gyllenhaal *drool*

I may make a second post today with my New Year's Resolutions. And hopefully get on here later to do some reading and commenting.