Happy Thursday

Lalalalala. <----- I felt like singing. Don't judge. I don't have a whole lot to say but I'm trying to be good and post once a day. Ohhhhh I rhymed! Geez I feel all spazzy. I have to go into work today...yuck. Paying my bills is going to be interesting this month. Get ready for the ride.

Saturday I'm going with Sondra to her sister's dance recital. I'm so fucking nervous. Two main reasons. 1. I don't know what to wear. Yeah, not a big deal but it is. This will be the first time I'm meeting a lot of her extended family and I want to make a good impression. 2. Her grandparents don't know she's a lesbian hahah....and I will be living proof of that fact since we are going as dates. And while I adamantly HATE public displays of affection I'm sure we will be holding hands....deal with it old folks!

In other news: Pride is coming up which I'm hoping I got off for work and then on the 28th my mom bought tickets to Les Miserables. My favorite musical ever. I'm so excited!

So, it should be a busy month. I watched my Vitamix video yesterday and feel a little more comfortable with the thought of using it. Monday will be the day.

Ohhhh! Random goal I set for myself. I want to be able to do the splits. That sounds stupid doesn't it? Oh well, I do. I use to have dreams when I was younger that I could do the splits. I found this site (I swear you can learn to do anything on Google)  How to Do the Splits so I'm going to do those stretches twice a day for a month and see where it gets me. I figure it will help with ballet anyways, just to be more flexible and it's a fun little challenge. Feel free to join if any of you out there are weirdos like me and have wanted to but were unable to do the splits :) I'm starting on Monday, as all accomplished goals begin on Monday.

"Sick" Day

I went into work yesterday only to stay for 40 minutes and go home sick. I have been feeling super off this last week and then started to feel like I was getting a migraine, felt very very dizzy and nauseous. Turns out it was epic period time. Anyways, so I stayed home and pretty much did nothing. Snuggled with my pups and cat, watched Venus in transition (which was pretty cool since I'm a closeted science geek!), watched "Stranger than Fiction" (why didn't this movie get better reviews!? It was the second time I saw it and I loved it even more!), read "Bossypants" by Tina Fey, and curled into the fetal position every couple hours when I got pregnant cramps (you know the ones...they feel like what I would imagine, very tame, contractions to feel like). And I called out again today. Probably a really stupid move for my bank account but I'm still not feeling 100% and the thought of going in and having to smile at everyone is slightly exhausting and I'm pretty sure I'd end up vomiting on a customer. So, instead I shall rest up in my bed again, maybe clean, watch my vitamix dvd for some inspiration, maybe break open my new big box of crayons, and drink coffee out of my Harry Potter mug because it makes me happy.

Anyone going to see "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" when it comes out? I'm getting pretty excited for it and feel I need to read the book again before I go. I read it a long time ago.

Anyways....things I've been obsessing over. I have a list...but at the top of that list is something gruesome. I feel sick for even choosing to put my mind in this place, but I need to talk about it. You guys I'm sure have heard of the porn star in Canada who chopped up his boyfriend and mailed the pieces to different places?  I am seriously disgustingly obsessed with learning more about it. The entire story terrifies and disgusts me, but I can't stop. The worst part is, there is video of him committing this crime. I haven't watched it...yet. Why I feel the need to watch it I don't know. I'm resisting watching it like I resist the urge to cut or burn. Seriously, that is how I feel. I sit and load it on my computer and I hover over the play button. I think I know it will fuck me up and plunge me even deeper into wherever the hell I'm headed right now. So I'm trying NOT to watch it but this story invades my thoughts. I wonder how any human could do that to someone else. How does that happen? It scares me that as humans there is only a .01% DNA difference from person to person....what is it that makes that guy different from me? Or the person I walk next to on the sidewalk? Or the doctor I let operate on me? Or the people I love? Or the people who love me? It freaks me out...and yet fascinates me at the same time. Sondra says I'm getting obsessed about this and refuses to partake in conversation about it. I really wanted her to look at the pictures of him online. He is a beautiful human being. Ascetically speaking. And I find myself asking why I was hoping he looked like a monster. Why does it bother me so much that he is handsome? I think it's because there is no way to tell a monster from a good person. They all look the same. *sigh* sorry for the random thoughts... just been in my mind all week.

Happy thoughts Happy thoughts. Trying to think happy thoughts. Ummmmmm....let's see.... Well, I'm sucking at this. I'll get back to you...

Many The Miles

Sara Bareilles seems to make life better...always. It's cliche to say shit like "such and such artist's music saved my life" or "music is life" and I'm not necessarily claiming that. What I am saying is that her music seems to always put things into perspective for me. It makes me breathe a little. Calm down a bit. Find things I appreciate instead of always focusing on the negative. After the second failure, when I got home from the hospital I felt absolutely empty. Empty even of despair. I felt like all feeling had left my body. I felt more suicidal than ever but too exhausted and disappointed in myself to dare try for a third time. I remember shortly after I bought tickets to see Sara B with my brother in California before heading home for Christmas. I had no job. Really no money to be buying tickets like that but I did. And it was well worth the purchase. I remember when she played "Many the Miles" it felt like all the background noise stopped for a second and all I heard were these lyrics:

There're too many things I haven't done yet

Too many sunsets

I haven't seen

You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You would have thought by now

I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl

I've been given this one world

I won't worry it away

But now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light

But then love comes in

Despite the fact that I'd heard that song numerous times over the last year, it wasn't until the live performance that I actually got it. Felt it. I don't really know exactly why I'm reminicing over this at the moment. Perhaps it's the fact that I watched the Live at the Fillmore DVD last night or have just had an overall bad attitude for the past few months and I'm tired of feeling sad, and angry and disappointed. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. This freaks me out (hence the capital letters) I am a college graduate. Working at a grocery store...where I daily do everything but wipe the customer's asses. I HATE IT. I HATE MY LIFE. But I feel hopeless and helpless in changing anything because I am 28 and I still have no clue what I want to do when I "grow up". Anyways, so I guess I'm trying to take a little Sara B happy pill here...Sara B therapy if you will. So I thought I'd share those lyrics.

In other news. I bought a vitamix. In an attempt to be healthy. I haven't used it yet. I bought it almost 2 weeks ago. It's beautiful but I'm slightly intimidated by it. I'm hoping by next Monday I can get cracking. It is going to make a raw diet so much easier. 

Sondra and I celebrate our 6 month anniversary at the end of the month. We are going to see RENT. We are also going to be taking queer tango classes! I'm so excited for this! I've wanted to learn to tango SINCE hearing "Tango Maureen" in RENT...so it's perfect! And she is excited to do this too which in turn makes me even more excited that she is totally game and wasn't all "that's a lame idea but I'll take the class with you because I love you" haha. I graduated from Very Beginning Ballet to Beginning Ballet today :) Woohoo! Learning pirouettes now! Lol...I feel like a geek taking ballet classes but it's so much fun and a really good workout. This beginning class is only 4 weeks and then I go to Beginning/Intermediate Ahhh! Will also be joining in on a few Ball Joint Doll meetups this month. Anyone else here a collector? I'd say overall...despite this pseudo, lame ass depressive bit I've had going for the last few months, I'm pushing myself to be social and hangout outside of the apartment a little. Yay go me :)

I also need some more blogs to follow. If anyone has some good suggestions please respond below :) Also, is anyone else interested in doing vlogs? I set up a place to do private vlogs but I have yet to do any. Or does anyone know of an ed related vlog community? Sorry for this super long post.

<3 Jade

Sins of the Weekend

Monday thru Saturday no food.
Sunday went as follows:
1 cup of lentil dahl soup
1 gluten free and vegan lemon poppyseed muffin
1 bloody mary
1 mike's hard lemonade
1/2 a shot of tequila
2 slices of Amy's Vegan Margarita pizza
24 barbecue potato chips
2 slices of sweet pickles

Monday:
1 Grain Bowl- rice, tahini, spinach, black beans, salsa
1 Zing bar
1 small blueberry and banana smoothie

The following days will be fasting. Tuesday thru Friday. Saturday night I will be making my pesto artichoke pasta so I will hopefully have some energy for the 5k on Sunday.

Fuck Comcast

I'm so irritated. Who knows when I will have reliable internet. It really took all my courage to call comcast and get everything squared away and when they came today to hook it up it turns out the room that holds the connection was locked so I needed the landlord who wasn't there. This entire situation has been so anxiety provoking that I broke down into a full on panic attack when the comcast guy left, unable to get me connected. So now I have to call Comcast again to set up another meeting time AND call my landlord to open the room. And right now it's seeming too overwhelming that I'm thinking I'm never going to have internet.

My fast has continued...which was unintentional but once you go one day, moving to the second, third, fourth, and fifth seemed only necessary. My birthday is on Sunday. My parents are coming. This equals eating at lovely vegan restaurants. I love the atmosphere. I love that the food is "healthy" and beautiful and compassionate. But eating it is another story. I will be breaking my fast on that Sunday. I've obsessed over the menu and chosen a soup. Sunday night we are going to the vegan bar in town. Friends from work will be there. I'm sticking to alcohol for the rest of the night. If this was it...I wouldn't have stressed this week so much. But Monday afternoon my aunt wants to take me for a birthday dinner. I have picked that restaurant as well. Chosen a rice bowl with veggies and black beans. I wanted a salad but the only salad they have is a house salad which is a side. My aunt has been trying to take me to dinner for months and our schedules just haven't mixed well....I think she would be disappointed if I just got a house salad. I then have ballet after that. Blargh.

The plan for Tuesday is a run to fix the rice bowl and soup. 6 miles. Good training for my 5K. I will then fast Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Friday, half a banana. Saturday large kale salad with quinoa...in hopes that I will have energy for the 4 hour drive to the 5K and to actually run it.

I fit into my old jeans again. Which somewhat made up for this mornings awfulness.
 

Update

Hello all you beautiful girls. I have missed this place...along with PT (holy changes). Life has been trucking along as usual. After a terrible bout of bingeing I leveled out for a bit, was eating "normal" amounts of total crap, and then went into "Yeah! I want to be healthy...yes let's be healthy"...went raw, started eating "regularly", working out again...running. And it hasn't been enough. I still feel shitty, and I've caught myself skipping meals and upping my running again. Which always leads me back to here. I'm snuggling in again. I have internet starting on Thursday. I will be starting a new blog that will be attached to this one where I will...wait for it....vlog. Yes a blog just of vlogs.

Anyways, in depressing news, tomorrow is my two year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. Oh how dramatic that sounds. Sunday is my birthday. Today I'm fasting....for no particular reason except that it's Monday and Monday really should be a fasting day. Sondra (previously called Lynndsey...but fuck it I don't feel like changing her name every time) and I are still dating. Trisha hates me. But everyday I fall more and more in love with Sondra. I started taking an adult beginning ballet class which I love. This is my fourth week. The only bit I hate is squeezing into tights and a leotard and watching myself wobble around in front of the mirror. But it really is fun :) I'm running my first official 5K on the 20th so that's exciting. Hmmm...I believe that's it for now. Sorry for the spazzy update.

Seems to be that time again...

That time...the time where my mind has become so fucking stuck in self hatred and guilt, and FAT. It's actually time to do something about it. And I always feel like...yes! this will be the time. I don't even necessarily want to be happy. I just want to not hate myself.

Monday I'm restarting my Marathon Training. 4 months. And going raw. As raw as I feel like it anyways. Keeps me away from breads and carby shit like pizza. Some of my rules are as follows:

-no more than 1 serving of nuts a day
-no more than 2 cups of coffee or 1 latte a day (I know this isn't raw...I cannot part with my coffee. I literally start to hate my life even more than usual when I'm off it)
-alcohol once a week...again... not raw but whatever. Lyndsey and I have our once a week get together. We rarely get trashed anymore...just sip wine or Mike's and talk.

I kick tomorrow off with a 40 minute run. I haven't been running in weeks. My pants don't even fit. Yes, bingefest galore. I feel awful sick. Disgusting. Just gross.