Abruptly ended...thank you parents.

Well I dropped off the radar for a bit. Things have been odd, I feel completely displaced and out of my routine and my body is fully showing that right now. I've had a binge belly for the last week now and it's utterly depressing. Lynndsey loves my body...apparently. Of course she first saw me naked when I was around 95lbs. I'm absolutely terrified of the scale. It snowed really badly at my place about a week ago and she was stuck at my apartment for three days. We had binges together. It was awful and beautiful all at the same time. It's like we were letting each other in to our dirty little secrets...offering each other our trust...being completely vulnerable in front of one another. Of course as the days went on and I continued to eat...getting naked got harder.

Jeesus H CHRIST. I was doing this at home on my laptop and my parents keep popping their nosey little fucking faces over. To be continued....

Still here!

God. Moving has kicked my ass. I have been having about two days of decent restriction followed by 1-3 days of massive binging. It's killing my soul. I know it's because there is all this change going on and my life is in upheaval and I don't have time to plan and calculate and regulate and list and obsess and it's stressing me out. I haven't been on the scale in a week because I'm absolutely terrified it will blink back a number above 100. So instead I'm getting my shit together on Monday (the purest of days) and WILL lose the blubber I've accumulated since the move and get things back in order. I NEED to get my tupperware so I can calculate out my meals for the week, stick them in the fridge and lessen the amount I have to think about crap. I NEED to find a running route here (this is about 90% of my problem. I haven't been running, but I've been eating...and it makes me sad) Lyndsey did offer her treadmill to me...which I thought was super sweet. Have I said we are officially dating now? Going on about 3 weeks now. We are going to have a soup date coming up :) Where we actually make soup together. It's really nice because we never go out to eat so I don't have to stress about that.

In other news. I drove up to my old hometown the other day. For several reasons this was difficult. It was the first time I'd been there since opening pandora's box with Brenda. I thought it would feel nice and freeing to go back...I obviously have not processed shit well enough though because the second I drove into town I got the shakey sweats. Fuck that. Trisha wouldn't answer my calls when I was there and I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it all. I had plans to visit my old house and the beach...none of which I did. Probably getting to a place with Lyndsey where I will be able to talk about some of this. Could be helpful. Could also just freak me the fuck out. Who knows. My head has been full of metal beads since I left. Time to clear some of that out.

So yeah....here's a risk I'm taking since it's been awhile. Picture of me :) Being nerdy and excited about my new apartment keys:

(removed)

Blargh....dimples and glasses and no makeup. Gah. This will be removed soon.

94.5

.5 lbs higher than today's goal. Oh well.

I checked my mom's scale which has been at most 3 lbs lighter than what I really am so I added to the 91.5 lbs (oh wouldn't it be lovely if I was really there?). I wasn't able to check with mine this morning because everyone is home and my usual "smuggle it in under my showering clothes" wouldn't work because my dad was actually sitting in the room next to the bathroom at his desk. Grrrr.

I went running last night. It's weird because I know if I run on a low calorie day it's almost a guarantee I will binge, but I worry that if I don't run I will binge anyways. So I run...and then I binge. It was okay yesterday because Sundays for some reason tend to be a "fuck it all to hell, stuff odd shit in my mouth" kind of binge. I had had 200 cals for the day, ran 5 miles and then probably ate somewhere near 2000 cals. Which at least brought me down to a "normal person" day. But ugh. I'm running tonight. Probably 5 again. And then sticking to soup.

Resolutions and such.

1. Find a gym community...YMCA possibly? Yoga, self defense classes, swimming?, zumba
2. Take an art and dance class
3. Learn to verbally communicate my emotions to trustworthy company
4. Read more and keep up a book blog
5. Product review blog
6. Reach and maintain a weight I am comfortable with
7. Make more quality friends
8. Volunteer at Pasado's Safe Haven and Pigs Peace Sanctuary
9. Paint more
10. Pay $2000 off my credit card
11. Walk the dogs daily
12. Buy less shit
13. Find peace in the confusion
14. Explore, be spontaneous, live and stress less
15. Train and run a 5K, 1/2 marathon and marathon
16. Go to more concerts, more free concerts
17. Get more involved in the vegan community...do more for animals
18. Be more organized with my bills and mail in general
19. Get contacts, wear makeup...feel hot even when I'm not wearing those things
20. Get a half sleeve tattoo


I don't feel too great today. I did my 10 yesterday night. No running this morning, I fucked up my knee pretty bad again. Grr.

I came downstairs to a full fucking and disgusting breakfast. Which of course I'm not expected to eat because nothing is even remotely vegan. But it reeks of butter and sausage and nastiness in this house and it's irritating me. Watching and hearing my family shovel this shit into their mouths makes me want to scream.

Yesterday on the way to Seattle my dad was getting on my food crap. Because it was 2pm and I wasn't hungry. I seriously eat most of my calories for the day after 4pm and fill up on coffees before that. So I was a little upset that we were going to that vegan cafe so early....since he was already being in my shit I knew I couldn't get away with a salad so settled for a Jamaican tofu wrap. UUUUUUUGGGGHHHH GOD WHY. It was heaven. And I tried to enjoy it since we were at this cute fancy vegan bistro. I love those places. I love veganism. I love the hot girl with all the cherry tattoos and low cut t-shirt serving us. I love the exposed brick wall and sprig of *insert some fancy twig name* they put in the water for extra flavor. So I ate. I enjoyed? I tried. I finished. When I got home I ran. And I felt like I was either going to puke or shit myself. Neither of which I did, but it was not an enjoyable run. Around mile 6 my knee started aching. By 10 I was gimping around. And now, this morning.....oh lord.

I found an apartment yesterday. This brings me joy. I step out onto the road of my apartment and am actually greeted by the space needle. I can WALK to the space needle. My apartment is a studio. You walk in and there is a kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom. And it's all mine. Lyndsey says she is going to help me sage cleanse the place and ALSO (so excited for this!) going to paint me something to hang in there.

So New Years. This is going to be THE night...for me and Lyndsey. I'm freaking out. So fucking scared. I'm going to Target real quick before work to buy cute underwear. I have had NO reason for cute underwear in quite sometime. Trisha and I got so comfortable around year 3 that it just didn't matter anymore. I'm getting strawberries and champagne. I told her I would eat strawberries. And she said she would too. She has major anxiety about eating in front of people, has had a past with eds (bulimia is what I know about but I suspect more). We both play this game where we "don't worry" about each other...while secretly stressing. This is something I think that will become an issue later on in our relationship.

Anyways, real quick I want to say thank you to:
Depressed Skinny Mess
All that wander
Bones
Mich

You have been consistent commenters and I'm not ignoring that. I really do appreciate what you have to say. I'm sorry I've been so lousy at repaying the kindness you have all shown me in response to my rants. Tack it on to my new years resolutions. Be better at commenting :) Love you all.

Ugh binge face.

Bloaty. That's how I feel. I'm headed up to Seattle with my dad today to look at apartments. And go to a vegan restaurant. *insert UGH here* I binged last night at around 2am. Fuck. I will not stress. Salad. After the apartment hunt I'm doing 10. Tomorrow I will do 10 before work as well. I hate binging so close to Monday's. I will be happy if I maintained this week.

Lyndsey and I have plans for New Year's. I'm excited. And I'm happy. Yes, she makes me happy. We will be watching The L Word (she has never seen it....*gasp!!!* I know!*) and Secretary....Maggie Gyllenhaal *drool*

I may make a second post today with my New Year's Resolutions. And hopefully get on here later to do some reading and commenting.

95

Monday morning MY scale said 95. My mom's 92.5. I did two days of no food and then a slice of celebration roast and some salad on Christmas....so I'm sure I just lost water weight but I'm happy to see that I beat my goal for this week which was 95.5. Next Monday is 94. When I weighed this morning on my mom's scale (everyone was home so I couldn't sneak my scale into the bathroom) it said 95.5....so I know I gained a lot back...but I haven't binged. So I'm trying not to freak out and will just wait to assess on Monday and will determine my running schedule for that week depending.

Trisha and I had an epic blowout this morning. I can't even get into the details because it just upsets me so much. I feel so sad about where things are at with us. And I want to make her feel as guilty as I do. Eating won't be a problem this week.

Lyndsey and I are getting somewhat serious. Oh wait? I'm not sure I updated you all on my Christmas evening after work with her. We talked....and kissed. For the first time. It was nice. I stayed at her place a couple nights ago...and that was nice as well. I'm nervous. I really never thought I'd get comfortable with someone again...to even consider...sex. And we are definitely entering that stage of things....ugh...it's moving fast. We talk about everything before anything ever happens. Which I like. And I have nerves like you wouldn't believe about this next step. But then again, so does she. She has never actually had sex. We will be having an actual in depth conversation because she has had some definite abuse take place in the past and I'm terrified to have that talk. She is much further along in her processing of all of her stuff. I have barely admitted to myself what happened to me and hearing her shit scares me. Ugh...well this was a cryptic paragraph. But basically we will be talking before we have sex. You didn't need to know that but I'm talking about it anyways. This blog has become my dumping ground and I apologize. I've been terrible about responding to comments and reading. What I need right now is just a place for free flow thought. I will get back to better soon.

Christmas Eve Insomnia

I have been up all night. Not one bit of sleep. Literally staring at a wall until 3:30am then emailed Lyndsey (This is Cassie's new agreed upon name) my rambly late night thoughts and now I'm sitting here at Starbucks wondering how I'm going to make it through this day. I only slept 1.5 hours the night before. Hip bones are here. Finally. And the thigh gap is almost back. Parents are suspicious but hide suspicion by just buying foods that I eventually give in and binge on at odd hours of the night. I know they hear me. Binging makes me feel disgusting....even more so when people know what I'm doing. Need apartment. Also need a treadmill because it's getting fucking cold!

Lyndsey and I are talking after work tonight. It's been planned out. We usually do talk after work whenever we close together. We have sat in the parking lot for hours...literally 5 hours once, just talking. But this conversation will revolve around what's happening. I love that our minds are so similar because we have sat and obsessed over something that I think we both think is starting but both of us are too shy to do anything about. *sigh* Anyways, I'm nervous to start anything too serious with her. I like her, I do. But I'm not sure I want to be back in a relationship right now. Hmm...more on that convo later.

Onto food. The scale is starting to rule me a bit...which is fucking obnoxious. I have been weighing twice a day. No more. Despite the major binge fest, my mom's scale says 96.5 which I think means my scale would say 98.5 so I didn't gain but things must be shifting since my hip bones are here....my scale is stuck downstairs in grandma's bathroom and I haven't been able to get to it yet. I WILL get it by Monday for accuracy's sake. I've been allowing solid foods here and there but like to keep to liquids most days. As I mentioned I'm very loosely following ABC. Only in that I'm back on counting calories (another shitty sign that I'm obsessing) and alternating anywhere between 100-500 cals. and never above 800....unless it's binge day. In which case I run.  Run away from the calories and from the jiggles and the ass.

I was writing in my journal the other day and I said something that actually made me stop and think for a second.... "It's not okay to be sad unless I'm sick." I can't stand the thought of being alone in my depression. Of JUST being depressed. I AM sad....I don't really know why...but I am. And that isn't enough. That alone isn't right. When I screw with my eating, when I cut, it's so much better....it's manageable. It's OKAY. It validates the sadness. Anyways, I've been thinking about this more and more. I don't know what it means.

I've been doing this thing in my car. I know a lot of you love music as well so maybe you can relate. I've kind of been on a pop music run right now. So I just keep on the local radio station here that plays that stuff, but when something awesome comes on, say a little Lady Gaga or *gasp* Selena Gomez (god that is embarrassing to admit) I turn it up loud....not loud, but really LOUD....like it almost hurts. The music feels like a big blanket, just vibrating through the car. And my heart beats to it. It feels amazing. It's a guaranteed way to shut my head off sometimes. And since my head is constantly going on the way to work this has been really helpful. Anyways, that was kind of a random share. Lol....I'm definitely sleep deprived.

Hope you all have good weekends and holidays. I will be back to report life probably on Wednesday. I'm going to try to go comment and catch up! :)