Suicidal Crossing Guard

So sorry for the rant and explosive swearing and death wishes. Welcome to the shitty side of my brain. Anyways...new day. New fucking day.

I've been in the pits since yesterday. Full on fogging out while driving to work (not good) or going completely suicidal in my head. It would be quite easy I always think. I'm wondering if driving is becoming too dangerous. Because, honestly....what IS stopping me from smashing into a guard rail? or a tree? or another car. The answer of course is ME. And that is scary. Me. I am the one who controls my life. I get to decide. When I was in 6th grade I was a crossing guard (one of those nerdy kids in the orange vest holding a "STOP" flag in front of cars to let people cross). The leader of the crossing guards was an adult and she would blow a whistle when we had to walk out in the road, but I always knew that it was my legs and my mind that made that decision. And I could...if I chose...walk out in front of a car that was not prepared to stop. I use to stand and obsess about that during those mornings. I could fling myself in front of traffic if I wanted to. And I'm not sure I wanted to at that age...but I thought about it a lot. It use to make me shake. Like I didn't trust myself. I DON'T trust myself, even now. Maybe that's the issue.

Anyways...wow that was depressing. I'm getting ready to go walk the pups and then go for a run. Then it's off to work. At least Sondra works today. Should make it a little better.

Fuck the EX.

Why. Why Why why why why!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I facebook stalk my ex? Seriously. It fucks with me every time. I partly think I do it on purpose. Not enough drama in my life...let's stir it up. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate THEM. I hate their stupid bed and breakfast and fucking brandi carlile. FUCK. I hope Kat dies. I hope she fucking dies. And I hope Trisha is happy with her slutty dead girl friend.

I hate my life. I hope I'm dead by September so I don't have to bother with them moving back. I can't take it. I can't handle seeing either one of them. Especially as a whale.

I seriously feel like I'm going to go all kamikaze on some shit right now. Know what I use to do when I felt like this? Rip the shit out of my arms and legs until I felt like a zombie. Until it wasn't me doing it anymore. What am I to do now?

Down Two.

I lost two pounds this week. Which is alright considering I was no where NEAR the amount of exercise I'd like to be at. This week I'm working on 700 cals. and burning 400 of those. And hoping to drop 2 more next week. I'd ideally like to be back to 100 by July 16th so I can really get down to business.

Walking down to the record store to get this tomorrow:

Here is some more Fiona <3

My Forest Dream Home

Yuck. I woke up late this morning. (yesterday morning as well) Meaning that is 3 days I didn't work out. I have to start getting ready for work soon. I know I'm tired today because I didn't eat a ton yesterday but now I feel like I really can't eat today because I didn't work out again. It's weird because I've debated doing just coffee and water today. If I'm to get my Starbucks, that's 150 calories. Liquids have always been less anxiety provoking. EVEN if they are higher in calories. I swear you could put all my meals in a blender and I'd probably feel fine.

Sondra and I skyped last night until the early morning (also why I am tired). We got into a slight argument because she said something like "I like to think that we are in a place where we tell each other everything..." I just smiled. What can I say, I like to have my secrets. It has nothing to do with her. I love her. But, there is...always has been...this power I get from having ONE thing, that is just mine. We let the issue rest but it's been on my mind. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest with her. After work we were talking and she said she could feel my hipbones...was I eating? was I throwing up? It's a big deal for her for me to eat with her. So I have been eating...for the most part, normally, just smaller portions. But normal food when we are together. "I just don't want you to get obsessive". "Are you doing okay"......wow that question. No, no I'm not doing okay. But I will survive. And when I won't, you will know. Okay this is going nowhere....moving on....

After that phone conversation I was feeling quite low. Just sick. Hating myself for doing what I'm doing, thinking the way, and acting the way I do, that I started thinking terrible things again. I find if I switch out "I want to die" with "I want to go live in the forest" it feels much better. I've been daydreaming about it in fact. And quite honestly if I didn't have any debt, I might actually do it. First check this place out (and then I will continue with my story)

And my favorite photo...the one that fuels most of the daydreams....

I want to live here. Alone. Completely alone. And never come in contact with another human being. I want to die here. I want to collapse of old age and have forest animals eat my body and the house to crumble around my bones. And I don't want anyone to ever know. If I lived here alone.... I think I could be happy. If I knew I would never have to speak to or see another single human again do you know what I would do? Probably eat and eat and eat. And be happy. I would curl up by that fire and read massive books and cook and walk through the woods. I would dress up in sparkles and dance naked outside....even if I was fat! Because the moon doesn't care. Animals don't care.

Where would you want to go to be all alone? What would you do? Do you think life would be better? Would you be happier?

You know you life is dull when....

You are excited because you bought you cat a different kind of cat food. Seriously. I was rushing home from work and I was thinking "Why am I in such a hurry? What am I so excited about?" Well I bought Willy new food to help with his weight and I also got him some wet food. I was excited to see if he liked it...it cost an arm and a leg so he better. And he LOVED it. I'm a loser.

WILLY. Best one eyed cat ever.

List of things to do...

I love losertown. The end. All I had to say about that really.

In other news...If I stick to 1000 cals a day with light to moderate exercise 3-5 times a week I should be at my UGW by September 1st. Excellent. At the moment I'm doing less than 1000 but it's good to know I have that cushion. Goal for Monday is 105. Though LTs projection is 106. Is today really Saturday? Time flies when you are restricting.

Things I need/want to do...that I probably won't:

1. Finish reading Bossypants
2. Start EA Asylum book and make it through without slashing myself to pieces
3. Start watching Game of Thrones....or start the books....(I'm taking suggestions on this one)
4. Go running at Green Lake
5. Find the specific ballet books recommended in class
6. Clean the carpets and find wall hangings
7. Find new leashes for the pups
8. Make lentil rice stuff and section off into 200cal containers for the week
9. Drop stuff of at the goodwill
10. Pay bills
11. Laundry
12. Job hunt
13. Burn Garbage CD for friend at work
14. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower out loud to Sondra (she has never read it and I want to see the movie when it comes out!)
15. Look into some light volunteer work
16. Figure out travel schedule for August

Wow....pardon the dull post. Basically just needed to organize my head. Have a place I could come back to in order to see what I have or have not accomplished. I only have one day off this week so getting it all done is going to mean early mornings.

Mia Kirshner Love

I've been meandering around PT and lurking...which after being a member for so long, is NOT my style. I've read some interesting posts that I would absolutely love to reply and contribute to but every time I go to type something nothing appears. It's infuriating.

Had a bit of a stressful morning. They were having some kind of small dog meetup when I took Emmett to go running and he flipped out. He is not agrressive but he is super anxious and just barks. Once we walk up to the dogs he is fine, sniffs and is calm. Well he came around this corner after already seeing several dogs on the walk up to the park and this woman was standing there. Honestly he wasn't freaking out that bad...a few barks, nothing major. And she was telling him to shut up. I didn't hear her because I had my ipod in. I took it out because I thought she was talking to me. She said "I was telling your dog to be quiet. Dogs like me. Dogs never bark at me." She said this all with scowl on her face. I replied "Oh, sorry, he pretty much barks at everyone until you pet him...just his way of saying hi I suppose *nervous laugh*" She just bitch glared at me. Put me in such a state. I'm already paranoid about Emmett's behavior and barking...and then to get scolded....made me feel terrible. Then I got angry. I was imagining beating the shit out of this woman. My brain scares me sometimes.

Anyways, onto happier things. Been in a Mia Kirshner mood again. When am I not actually? I need to get The L Word back from Sondra. Thinking about watching New Best Friend again tonight because I think I saw it on youtube. Thought I'd share some of my favorite photos:

Might blog later tonight depending on how I'm feeling. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!