drunk.

What's up ladies? gentlemen. I'm trashed. Sad. And I don't know what else. So many thoughts running through this brain of mine. So many...so many.

Let's start with minimal:
1. Sondra and I might be moving in together soon. This will be nice minus the kitchen issues. But I'm comfortable expressing said issues with her so I think it iwll be fine. It will be fin.e
2. I suck at socialiazing. We knew this. I started derby again and my social awkwardities are coming out in full swing. I just don' tlike talking to people but to be placed onto a team i need to rub elbows with the "right bpoeple.]
3. Sndra and I talk about kids a lot recently> i want children. I do. I"m so afriad to leave them alone with anyone. She lent me a book about parenting and knowing yoruself and knowing your issues and how they affected you. I"m constantly thinking about the....stuff. bad stuff. I'm afraid I will be a bad parent because of it. :'( blargh makes me sad. Makes me wonder if I should even bring a child into this owrld.

MOre depressing shit:
1. Cutting is becoming an issue tyet again. Been daydreaming aobut stitches. Blood, comas, dying in general. It's sick. And I know bad, but I don't know how to make it stop.
2. I feel guilty for coming back here but the truth is I've been back on PT for months. Despite the fact that I joined derby and I NEED to be healthy. MUST. I feel drawn to sickness. Feel better when I'm negative, empty, nothing. I feel like I"m walking on a fence line. I want to jump to one side or the other. The correct side would be health...but I'm afraid to fail. I"m afriad to be helathy and fat and....fail. To suck and derby and be all muscular. Back to square one.
3. I'm suicidal. Want it...don't know why. Need a new job.

Anyways...hi again. Who knows when I'll be back or if. I juust knew that this is my "bad" journal. I can writea nyting here. Sorry to garbage up the plac.e

Moving

I'm moving over to WordPress. Seems I've lost most my readers here anyways. I don't blame people for leaving. This blog turned to depressing rants all too often. Hoping to change that over at : http://bonesofmorbiddiathesis.wordpress.com/ I figured it'd be a good place since PrettyThin switched over their format and such. Also, it's easier to find people with similar interests. Later :)

When it rains it pours.

Seems everything happens all at once...anyone else experience this? I mean hell, if I'm going to be triggered might as well make it good eh universe? Two things. First, going back to using Lyndsey as my gf's name. I keep freaking out about the anonymity of this blog. So, back to the first thing. Lyndsey's old habits are rearing their heads again. Mainly because she had to move back in with her parents and her mom is super obsessive and controlling over her intake. Irritates me. I'm to afraid/nervous/guilty/lame to tell her I'm highly triggered at the moment and hearing her say "hunger pains are good" actually set me off more. On to thing 2. I'm going to the little Asian grocery store after work today with one of my coworkers...who...have I mentioned? is on the cusp of looking like she needs to be shipped off to the hospital. Teeny tiny. And of course super sweet. I look like a cow walking next to her. I'm not very good at making friends or hanging out with people...so naturally I'm a little nervous. But at the same time it's nice to have something to do after work.

I have to come up with a dinner that Lynndsey and I can have together on Sunday night. Right now I'm going for massaged kale salad. It's fairly simple...and light. Something we can both enjoy.

I've been grinding my teeth at night again. Massive headaches ensue.

Competitive Nature

So completely triggered into a starvation frenzy today. This girl got hired at my work about 3 or 4 months ago. I immediately noticed her red bracelet. Just something I ticked off in my mind. I do that with most people...though I'm not stupid enough to believe that all red bracelets are representative of an ed. A couple weeks ago I was having lunch, stuffing my face...and she brings up her last stay at inpatient. NOT what I needed to hear at that moment. But I pushed through. I didn't ask any questions because I seriously did not want to hear about it. I don't want to know. The less I know the better. She is constantly talking about her weight...or how this activity will be good because she will lose weight. Today she was all dizzy and shaky. I was actually worried for her. We walked back to the parking lot today...I watched her eat grapes....four chews each mouthful. Yes, girl...I notice.

I feel competitive. Fucking sick I know. I don't really even know why. I just know that I can. It's disgusting. I hate myself for feeling like this. I also convince myself my head is leaning back to restricting because I've been cutting every night for the last few nights. Having made myself a mental food list while washing dishes tonight...I feel fine enough to forgo the blade tonight.

I'm angry for getting back here. Mainly because I convinced myself I was well enough to start derby again. I have tryouts on the 29th. I cannot get sick...I cannot be weak. Derby days are rice, quinoa, non-dairy cheeze, fruits, veggies, crackers, 1 latte if necessary. Other days are soups, liquids, puddings, light fruits, veggies, home coffee and 40 minutes of running.

dizzy

I'm driving myself crazy. Props to you if you can make it through this entire post without spinning in circles.

First, let's say...I feel I have a boulder on my chest. Breathing is not happening as it should. And the more I think about it...the more panicked I become. I will have to cut tonight.

Second. I'm having drawn out daydreams of quitting my job and driving to the ocean with nothing but a blade, a bottle of vodka, and pills. I imagine hacking into my skin and then burying my arms in salty sand and water. I then lay on the beach....my lips become cracked and bloody and my wounds infected with yellow puss. And this is where I stay...swallowing. Until I can't any longer. I'm slightly worried...but also excited by these thoughts. Worried, because I'm well aware they are not normal or healthy...but excited because I want it. I want to have nothing again. Nothing to live for. No reason to even bother. I hold on right now for my job...for sondra...for a future. But I'm starting to get fuzzy and float. Arms detaching...legs breaking. I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it...it's just not something I use my money on. I have a few "friends"...I've thought of purchasing a couple joints. I don't know why. I don't even know if I know how to smoke.

Food issues are creeping. I've been "okay" for awhile. "Okay" in that I've gotten fatter. Girl at work...always talking about her old ED. I can't hear it. It makes me long for sickness. I can't get ill and too skinny. I started derby again. I stand a really good chance of making it onto an awesome team. I don't want to be fit. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be anything anymore. Nothing. I want to stop.

I don't feel good :'( I'm afraid this is all I'll ever be. I'm sorry for all the depressing posts. I don't know how to fix myself at the moment. I don't know where else to put this.

Flip

Life seems better today. Funny how that happens yes? One of my friends from the farm is coming to visit and Sondra and I hung out all day yesterday. I wonder if sometimes my bouts of depression sync up with lack of social activity. I hate hanging out with people but when I force myself to I usually feel better. Anyways, this blog is mainly for my depressing rants unless I can find a better use for it. We shall see.

Revisiting the past

Shit is getting real. I'm back to where I was almost 2 years ago to the date. Researching suicide methods. Do I actually want to kill myself? Yes, sometimes....no most of the time. Two years ago I was on round two for an overdose. I didn't know what I was doing with my life. Trisha hated me and loved someone else...and I was so blinded by pain and confusion. No friends, no job. A therapist I had no hope in ever communicating properly with...and thoughts contaminating my brain daily. Seemed like the easiest route. I don't think I ever thought I would die. It was simply an act of desperation to make everything stop for just one fucking second. And I'm feeling that overwhelming sensation yet again. I want everyone and everything to go away until it's good.

More later. I have to go to my shitty job now. 28 year old grocery store cashier. That is enough reason right there to off myself.