And Here's What Happened...

Are you all aware of Jillian Michaels? No? Let me find a picture....yes, here we go...

She is a trainer on the TV show The Biggest Loser, but has also produced a ton of awesome workout DVDs, and books. I'm quite a fan. Anyways, I was able to go to her Maximize Your Life tour in Seattle last Wednesday and guys....I think I've had a major epiphany. She talked for about 3 hours about a range of topics from the basic science behind losing weight to taking care of yourself mentally to be your best. I've pretty much been in love with her since she first hit The Biggest Loser with her bad ass training techniques and attitude. So getting to see her live was a big deal for me.

Let's get back to this epiphany. Jillian is beautiful and strong to me. This is what I strive for...deep in my heart it's what I want...I will admit it's not always what my irrational brain wants at that moment. But ever since Junior High Aerobics....this is what I've wanted. When things got out of hand it was because I just got a little overzealous about all the wrong things. Anyways there was a point in the talk where Jillian was talking about calculating your BMR (yes, we really got down to basics) and she used her numbers to show the audience how. GUYS...this probably shouldn't have been a pivitol moment for me...but it was, so whatever. She is 5 foot 3. My height. And weights 115lbs. That is currently 7lbs higher than me....and she looks amazing. I was having this slow motion moment when I saw those numbers. Things kept flowing through my mind like "I could realistically and HEALTHILY look like her" "The number on the scale really DOESN'T mean anything" and *gasp* even this.... "Maybe gaining weight (muscle weight of course) would actually be a GOOD thing" I don't think I've EVER thought this. 

She of course discussed other emotional issues. Like how we tend to carry along our parents baggage. (Something else that really resonated with me), and that it's really important to be happy in life, to follow your WHY (why you are doing things, why you are living, what makes you actually happy), she even discussed being unhappy in your job. How we should have more good days than bad and if you are unbalanced it's time for a change. I've been sitting on her talk for a few days now and I feel like my brain just got out of the cleaners. Like the gears that were once rusted are starting to spin again. 

I am making serious changes at the moment. Starting of course with my brain and thoughts. I've started paper and pen journaling again (something I haven't done since High School) and I'm continuing the Insanity workouts with Sondra to bring myself to a basic level of fitness and strength. And then I'm going to look to REALLY scoring some hard core muscle. Not like bodybuilder muscle but you know what I mean. I'm going to be fit and healthy. I AM. 

I'm keeping this journal here because I do like to come back now and again. But I think I'll be posting regular fitness updates and such on my other blog

dirtpooranddaydreaming.blogspot.com

Feel free to follow me there. I don't go into calorie details and food struggles in as much detail because I do have family member followers. And I'm basically working on a set of life goals that range from reading/crafting/health/fitness/career that I regularly post updates about. 

I'll be back here now and again. Thanks for dealing with my cranky, self hating posts in the past. I can't say I'm completely rid of that mentality, but right now I feel like I'm on a fresh road. 

Bullet style

1. I need more epic movies. I'd really like to get the Harry Potter series in a nice sparkling set.
2. Anyone ever read Terry Pratchett? I'm reading Monstrous Regiment right now and I'm completely hooked and on the verge of obsessed.
3. Sondra and I have started doing the Insanity program...we are 3 days in. Let me tell you first that Sondra was really nervous to workout with me because she thought I'd be all fit and kicking ass. She was SO nervous that it's taken me 4 months to convince her to start the program. How'd I do it? I told her I'd do it naked. Yep...that's right people. Every morning I put on a pair of socks and tennis shoes...and shake my ass. Completely naked. It makes Sondra laugh. And it's really quite motivating (read: utterly depressing) to see/feel every single ounce of myself jiggle.
4. No job. Lots of wine.
5. Sondra started class today...so I'm home alone. And drinking. Feeling depressed a bit today. I think I'm a "little" codependent.

Unemployed...again

I quit my job today. Yesterday I had been called into the office for that stupid secret shop thing, but also because of my attendance. I've called out a couple days over the last couple weeks because I literally couldn't face a customer. I couldn't smile...I could barely get out of bed. So because I was talked to about it yesterday (it a very "you are a bad girl" type manner...I don't deal well with that, horrible horrible guilt and anxiety) I started to have a massive panic attack on the way to work this morning. Driving on the freeway and I start imagining ways I could get out of work because I was too embarrassed to go back (I cried a little in the office...shame). I started thinking "what's stopping me from just flipping the wheel really quick into the railing? What's stopping me from going into another lane of traffic? The answer was that I AM the one stopping that...and I'm not stable. I made it to work and realized I'd been death gripping the wheel and was shaking uncontrollably  I called Sondra and told her I couldn't do this. I can't work here anymore. And then I called work and said I'm not coming in. And that was it.

Funny thing is...the extreme panic and anxiety has not set in. I felt light today. Sondra and I walked by the waterfront and shopped around. It was nice and relaxing. And I've been crafting the rest of the day. I'm nervous for the realization that I have no steady source of income to set in.

Anyways, tomorrow Sondra and I are going to the beach. If I get some good photos I'll post. Sondra is packing a picnic. I've requested salad and lara bars and she seemed to oblige.  

Food was okay today. Almond yogurt, almonds, banana, and soup. Not nearly enough veggies and too many fats, but whatever.

Life of an introvert

I seriously hate customers service. And customer service hates me. I for one, when walking into a grocery store and checking out, DO NOT want to have a conversation with a complete stranger. It's none of your business what I'm making with what I'm buying, or what I'm doing this weekend, or how my weekend was. Seriously, I always think "just shut up and quit pretending we are long lost buddies and let me pay for the god damn food!!!!". Anyways, I was secret shopped a few days ago and my snapshop was "unacceptable" as it was put so kindly to me today. I asked how they were, but there was "an awkward silence between bagging" "no eye contact" Seriously fuck off. I don't like you that's why...I'm working at this shitty job to pay the bills and I don't give a flying fuck who you are or why you are here!

I think I need a new job. Customer service is not my place...but I seriously can't do anything else. I'm feeling so low and stupid...definitely stupid about this whole thing. I feel like I was put on this earth with only the abilities to do lame ass jobs...but the desires for so much more. Blargh. Hating life right now. I had so many food plans today too. I was going to have my morning coffee with my soy cream, oatmeal, soup, carrots and hummus, salad, more soup and a veggie dog.

Instead I had coffee and oatmeal because work got me all upset. So I didn't run today. Tomorrow will be better.

Going to do this better...

Blogging that is. Quick update:

Food is NOT going well. I've been alone for the last week (my parents went on vacation and I'm watching the dogs) and, left to my own devices, have been restricting. I've also been running though so I HAVE been making sure I have enough calories to safely run. I have one more week here alone and then I go back home. I'm both nervous and relieved. I know Sondra is going to be upset at my eating habits...I'm eating at the pace of a turtle because it's what's comfortable at the moment. But I've missed being around someone. Just feeling super lonely as usual.

That's pretty much my update. How depressing.

Post more tomorrow.

A day of triggers

I think I may have just triggered myself into a full blown depression for who knows how long. Why I do this I can't really say.

Today's events:
-talked to brother on phone after work, who is doing amazingly well in L.A. working in on television sets and movies. (triggered the "wow self, you really suck and have done NOTHING with your life" mentality)
-came home and Sondra was in school mode which makes me feel like a burden and like I'm in her way
-watched some show with Tracy Gold all about eating disorders. So fucking depressing and triggering at the same time
-facebook stalked Trisha who reminded me via text yesterday that I've completely ruined her life and ability to trust people
-google stalked my old therapist...this led to the majority of the trigger. I was immediately filled with this intense guilt/anger/sadness mush of feelings. Part of me wants to write her and tell her how well I'm doing and how sorry I am about screwing everything up (she gave me a part time job in her office and I tried to off myself for the second time which made it impossible for me to work for her) And I also just feel so guilty about being so dramatic and hard to work with. I was probably such an irritating client. It's that feeling that is making me not want to write her either. It's been two years since I've had any contact with her. And I feel sad.

I'm feeling extremely lonely right now. Sad and stuck.

I really need to buy running shoes. I have tomorrow off. So I might just do that, rev up my running mix and get cracking at getting my shit together. Fighting for something. I'm so great at hating myself. I wish I could put that on my resume.

Also side note. I feel surrounded by eating disorders. Seriously. Everywhere I look. Mainly at work. There is an ED clinic up the road so that accounts for the emaciated girls that come in buying produce or yogurts, but also...the people I work with. It's sad...and fucking scary. Two of the girls I just get really scared to talk to. I actually don't want to hear anything about their life because I know it will instantly trigger me to heavy restriction. But another girl who I've recently become "friends" with has kind of started hinting at a past ED. I'm an awful friend because I don't know how to have REAL conversations with people. I shut down or change the subject to something silly or dumb. Ugh. Don't know how to explain that but we hung out the other day and I found I was so exhausted by the end of it because I was trying to keep the conversation up and light and acquaintance-y and she was trying to move it to friendship level. Which I fail at. Anyways, we are going to a concert together next week and I'm just so nervous about this acquaintance progressing into a deeper friendship. Alrighty enough of that. Off to read some.

Dear brain...you are mental.

Why is my automatic reaction to anger and guilt starve, Starve, STARVE!? Or even slice and dice?. I haven't begun any of these actions but I was just a complete bitch to Sondra. I was angry for no reason, snapped, then felt guilty. I've sat for the last hour just visualizing three long gashes in my arm and disappearing. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling fine. Is what I keep telling myself. Tomorrow will be better.

Ugh. I hate myself right now. Rant and pity party over.