Revisiting the past

Shit is getting real. I'm back to where I was almost 2 years ago to the date. Researching suicide methods. Do I actually want to kill myself? Yes, sometimes....no most of the time. Two years ago I was on round two for an overdose. I didn't know what I was doing with my life. Trisha hated me and loved someone else...and I was so blinded by pain and confusion. No friends, no job. A therapist I had no hope in ever communicating properly with...and thoughts contaminating my brain daily. Seemed like the easiest route. I don't think I ever thought I would die. It was simply an act of desperation to make everything stop for just one fucking second. And I'm feeling that overwhelming sensation yet again. I want everyone and everything to go away until it's good.

More later. I have to go to my shitty job now. 28 year old grocery store cashier. That is enough reason right there to off myself.

I don't know why I'm here.
Job hunting makes me want to literally off myself.
I have no "skills"...no "desire". No passion. I'm not good at anything.
I'm fucking 28 years old. My 10 year High School Reunion was tonight.
And I was working at Whole Foods.
Where the general public is killing my soul.
Get out? But where? I don't want to do anything.
I truly believe the only thing I will ever be good at is "doing nothing". Lock me up.
I know this is a copout. I'm fucking stupid.

Suicidal Crossing Guard

So sorry for the rant and explosive swearing and death wishes. Welcome to the shitty side of my brain. Anyways...new day. New fucking day.

I've been in the pits since yesterday. Full on fogging out while driving to work (not good) or going completely suicidal in my head. It would be quite easy I always think. I'm wondering if driving is becoming too dangerous. Because, honestly....what IS stopping me from smashing into a guard rail? or a tree? or another car. The answer of course is ME. And that is scary. Me. I am the one who controls my life. I get to decide. When I was in 6th grade I was a crossing guard (one of those nerdy kids in the orange vest holding a "STOP" flag in front of cars to let people cross). The leader of the crossing guards was an adult and she would blow a whistle when we had to walk out in the road, but I always knew that it was my legs and my mind that made that decision. And I could...if I chose...walk out in front of a car that was not prepared to stop. I use to stand and obsess about that during those mornings. I could fling myself in front of traffic if I wanted to. And I'm not sure I wanted to at that age...but I thought about it a lot. It use to make me shake. Like I didn't trust myself. I DON'T trust myself, even now. Maybe that's the issue.

Anyways...wow that was depressing. I'm getting ready to go walk the pups and then go for a run. Then it's off to work. At least Sondra works today. Should make it a little better.

Fuck the EX.

Why. Why Why why why why!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I facebook stalk my ex? Seriously. It fucks with me every time. I partly think I do it on purpose. Not enough drama in my life...let's stir it up. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate THEM. I hate their stupid bed and breakfast and fucking brandi carlile. FUCK. I hope Kat dies. I hope she fucking dies. And I hope Trisha is happy with her slutty dead girl friend.

I hate my life. I hope I'm dead by September so I don't have to bother with them moving back. I can't take it. I can't handle seeing either one of them. Especially as a whale.

I seriously feel like I'm going to go all kamikaze on some shit right now. Know what I use to do when I felt like this? Rip the shit out of my arms and legs until I felt like a zombie. Until it wasn't me doing it anymore. What am I to do now?

Down Two.

I lost two pounds this week. Which is alright considering I was no where NEAR the amount of exercise I'd like to be at. This week I'm working on 700 cals. and burning 400 of those. And hoping to drop 2 more next week. I'd ideally like to be back to 100 by July 16th so I can really get down to business.

Walking down to the record store to get this tomorrow:

Here is some more Fiona <3

My Forest Dream Home

Yuck. I woke up late this morning. (yesterday morning as well) Meaning that is 3 days I didn't work out. I have to start getting ready for work soon. I know I'm tired today because I didn't eat a ton yesterday but now I feel like I really can't eat today because I didn't work out again. It's weird because I've debated doing just coffee and water today. If I'm to get my Starbucks, that's 150 calories. Liquids have always been less anxiety provoking. EVEN if they are higher in calories. I swear you could put all my meals in a blender and I'd probably feel fine.

Sondra and I skyped last night until the early morning (also why I am tired). We got into a slight argument because she said something like "I like to think that we are in a place where we tell each other everything..." I just smiled. What can I say, I like to have my secrets. It has nothing to do with her. I love her. But, there is...always has been...this power I get from having ONE thing, that is just mine. We let the issue rest but it's been on my mind. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest with her. After work we were talking and she said she could feel my hipbones...was I eating? was I throwing up? It's a big deal for her for me to eat with her. So I have been eating...for the most part, normally, just smaller portions. But normal food when we are together. "I just don't want you to get obsessive". "Are you doing okay"......wow that question. No, no I'm not doing okay. But I will survive. And when I won't, you will know. Okay this is going nowhere....moving on....

After that phone conversation I was feeling quite low. Just sick. Hating myself for doing what I'm doing, thinking the way, and acting the way I do, that I started thinking terrible things again. I find if I switch out "I want to die" with "I want to go live in the forest" it feels much better. I've been daydreaming about it in fact. And quite honestly if I didn't have any debt, I might actually do it. First check this place out (and then I will continue with my story)

And my favorite photo...the one that fuels most of the daydreams....

I want to live here. Alone. Completely alone. And never come in contact with another human being. I want to die here. I want to collapse of old age and have forest animals eat my body and the house to crumble around my bones. And I don't want anyone to ever know. If I lived here alone.... I think I could be happy. If I knew I would never have to speak to or see another single human again do you know what I would do? Probably eat and eat and eat. And be happy. I would curl up by that fire and read massive books and cook and walk through the woods. I would dress up in sparkles and dance naked outside....even if I was fat! Because the moon doesn't care. Animals don't care.

Where would you want to go to be all alone? What would you do? Do you think life would be better? Would you be happier?

You know you life is dull when....

You are excited because you bought you cat a different kind of cat food. Seriously. I was rushing home from work and I was thinking "Why am I in such a hurry? What am I so excited about?" Well I bought Willy new food to help with his weight and I also got him some wet food. I was excited to see if he liked it...it cost an arm and a leg so he better. And he LOVED it. I'm a loser.

WILLY. Best one eyed cat ever.