What's up ladies? gentlemen. I'm trashed. Sad. And I don't know what else. So many thoughts running through this brain of mine. So many...so many.
Let's start with minimal:
1. Sondra and I might be moving in together soon. This will be nice minus the kitchen issues. But I'm comfortable expressing said issues with her so I think it iwll be fine. It will be fin.e
2. I suck at socialiazing. We knew this. I started derby again and my social awkwardities are coming out in full swing. I just don' tlike talking to people but to be placed onto a team i need to rub elbows with the "right bpoeple.]
3. Sndra and I talk about kids a lot recently> i want children. I do. I"m so afriad to leave them alone with anyone. She lent me a book about parenting and knowing yoruself and knowing your issues and how they affected you. I"m constantly thinking about the....stuff. bad stuff. I'm afraid I will be a bad parent because of it. :'( blargh makes me sad. Makes me wonder if I should even bring a child into this owrld.
MOre depressing shit:
1. Cutting is becoming an issue tyet again. Been daydreaming aobut stitches. Blood, comas, dying in general. It's sick. And I know bad, but I don't know how to make it stop.
2. I feel guilty for coming back here but the truth is I've been back on PT for months. Despite the fact that I joined derby and I NEED to be healthy. MUST. I feel drawn to sickness. Feel better when I'm negative, empty, nothing. I feel like I"m walking on a fence line. I want to jump to one side or the other. The correct side would be health...but I'm afraid to fail. I"m afriad to be helathy and fat and....fail. To suck and derby and be all muscular. Back to square one.
3. I'm suicidal. Want it...don't know why. Need a new job.
Anyways...hi again. Who knows when I'll be back or if. I juust knew that this is my "bad" journal. I can writea nyting here. Sorry to garbage up the plac.e
