Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Just popping in

*pokes head in sheepishly* well...it's been awhile hasn't it? Things are going well guys. I ran a marathon :) I finally did it. I ate well for 5 months and am strong and healthy and I ran 26.2 fucking miles. Pretty proud. I also graduate in like...2 weeks *cue terror and excitement*.

Sondra and I are off on vacation which I'm in serious need of. We have been fighting a bit, which sucks, but my anger has really been getting the best of me. We are in couples counseling now which, despite my avid hate for therapy of any kind, is going pretty well. I also am still seeing my therapist (serious therapy overload here). We just started a workbook because her "lah-dee-dah, flowy feelings" therapy was not working for this structured brain of mine. So, we are tackling the...ahem...I will say it....abuse stuff. I still hate that goddamn word, but I'm dealing with it. This is going to be a good step I think, at least getting me to a point where I can SPEAK the words will be helpful.

Despite doing really well here, I have been having massive anxiety attacks. Like some of the worst I've ever had. Sondra has threatened to call the hospital a few times, which scares the shit out of me. I'm confused and upset because I don't really understand them. I'm aware of what's going on. I can't breath. I can't speak. But I'm here. I'm not having some flashbacky thing where I'm somewhere else....but I feel like Sondra and my therapist are trying to make them about that. I just feel there is TOO much in me. Blah. Anyways, I didn't come here for a big spill of my guts...just wanted to say hey and I'm not dead. I'm actually quite alive and happy about that most days. I hope all you ladies are well. I'm going to go snoop around. Love until next time. Jade.

Monday, December 2, 2013

January's horizon

Last weeks discussion: My fear of going upstairs and all it entails. Mainly we talked about my social skills. Like how I don't understand when a conversation is over, or how to end it myself. And how I leave the "ending a conversation" up to someone else. It felt kind of like a "fluff" therapy session. Which I'm fine with. The last 2 weeks have been too intense anyways. So next week she is gone...so I won't see her for another couple weeks. Again, I'm kind of glad for the break.

Other things to note. January is coming. I like setting goals and being organized...and I tend to go overboard and obsess here. This year is no different. I feel the food demons scratching their way up my back again. I did so well this year. I remained very neutral when it came to food. I didn't starve and I didn't over stuff myself. And I don't miss that. I don't miss being hungry and hurting or having a massive food baby and feeling suicidal because I fucking ate. I honestly 100% do not miss that. And yet, I find myself really missing my organization, my planning, my routine, things that are mine, secrets. When I decided to really try this shit out and "set aside" my food issues, my obsessive planning also went along with it and I don't like that. Especially right now. I'm feeling so out of my element. I see January on the horizon and I keep thinking about an organized fridge with portioned meals. I start thinking...maybe I can do this right? Maybe I can be obsessive and still be healthy? Maybe I can be "obsessive" (I need a better word because that sounds so negative) and calorie count in a healthy way? Meh...that's where my head has been. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even craving thin...I want to be healthy...I just want...something different than I have now? I feel like I eat without thinking and it's unsettling when I sit back after a meal and realize that.

Monday, November 25, 2013

This blog makes me sound like a drama queen...

So, after ignoring my therapist's 2 phone calls she left a message. Very sweet really. About how she said she understood I was probably feeling frustrated, and if that was the case to please come back in so we could talk about it. She said this is probably the point in which I usually give up on myself and others...and really encouraged me not to let this be another area I give up in.

I was really upset when I got this message. I couldn't concentrate on any of my homework and I was just irritated. I had made a decision and all I needed from her was an "okay..I'm leaving you alone now"...but she didn't do that...she instead told me she would hold my Friday appointment open and I could still decide. I was upset at having to make this decision over again. I talked to Sondra who of course super encouraged me to go back in as well. I also felt the need to go in and just YELL! Like....I AM NOT GIVING UP! That is not what this is! I was also afraid of the impending awkward that would follow me to therapy.

Long story short...I went back. I made Sondra sit in the waiting room.

When I got in we talked about how I felt like she didn't want me there anymore. And how I felt like being in therapy for someone else wasn't a problem and I didn't understand why it was an issue. We talked about her discomfort with my desire for her to push me in therapy. I completely understand her reasoning now. It is this: I push myself in my head to do things I don't want to, verbally abusing myself to get shit done....therapy is one of those things I push myself to do because I know it will benefit Sondra and my relationship. She said she cannot align herself with the abusive side of me. And to push me to do something I don't want to do...is aligning with that...putting her in an ethical tough spot. So we agreed that I can find reasons that I want to be there. Just for me. And I can tell myself I am going to make myself a better person for myself. Reasons I want to go to therapy. To work on my anxiety, get better and making and keeping friends. That's what I have so far.

Blah...so it feels like this is going to be an uphill battle...but I am ultimately glad that I went back. She said she is on my side...fighting for me. And that sometimes this discussion of frustration between client and therapist can be really beneficial to work through.

Sondra got to come into the end of the session too so they could meet. It all went well. Now preparing for next week.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Natural methods vs therapy.

First, thank you everyone who responded to my last post. I really appreciate the support and love that I always get from this blog. You are all lovely <3

So, I emailed my therapist last night. I kept it really short and simple. Mainly because I am angry, and I don't want to be rude. I just said that I will not be in on Friday and I would like to cancel the rest of my appointments. Minutes later I get a response asking if we could talk about it, and how she doesn't feel therapy should be ended through email or message...(seriously? is this the equivalent of breaking up with someone via text?...well shit, now I feel bad)...and would I be willing to come in for one more session. I responded with a sorry for doing this through email, I would have called but I hate phones and I didn't want to just NOT show up on Friday. I also stated that we pretty much discussed my reasoning for not coming back at the last session and felt it would be pointless to come in again. I also said, I would just like to be done. AND cue another response. Can we talk about this? I can call you tomorrow anytime before 2. alskdjfalksdjflakjdfa. This response irritates me. DID YOU NOT READ MY LAST MESSAGE!??? I hate phones!!! Gah! So, I didn't respond. I will not pick up the phone...and I hope that she will leave it at that. I hate being an asshole. I know I'm being dramatic....but this just isn't going to work. Therapy doesn't work for me. I should have figured this out with over 10 years of failed therapy under my belt.

I know Sondra is so upset. I feel I have failed her and our relationship. My last ditch effort was telling her I would make an appointment and get started on some medication. I want her to know that I DO want to be a better person....for her. And there lies the problem. One of the main reasons therapy sucked was because I am doing this for Sondra. I love her so much, I was willing to sit in complete discomfort for an hour a week. And my therapist saw this. Therapy won't work if you aren't doing it for yourself. REALLY? Guess I'm screwed then because I will NEVER willingly lock myself in a room with a stranger to happily talk about my feelings. NEVER. *SSSSIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH*

Sondra and I also discussed alternative methods...which of course, I'm more apt to try. Looking into acupuncture and seeing a naturopath or naturalpath (I can't spell and I really don't care enough at this point to go figure it out). Anyone use alternative methods to therapy? Curious about your success with them.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Help...Medication questions.

I'm at my wits end. Literally I feel like something fell out of the sky and just squished me to the ground. So quickly...so instantly.

Therapy was AWFUL on Friday. And I thought it was going so well. I left feeling like she doesn't want me there anymore. Like my reasons for being there aren't good enough. I think she feels like I don't NEED to be there. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm a narcissistic freak that can't bear the thought of NOT talking about myself.

I left the session with her saying "I will keep your appointment on the calender for the next and following weeks, but let me know if you don't want to do that". Seriously...fuck you. I don't want to be angry at her, but I think I really am. I told her I wanted her to push me and she said she doesn't feel comfortable with that. What the fuck is your job then? Seriously, I'm paying you $150 fucking dollars out of MY pocket because I don't have insurance. I took a fucking job! So I could pay for therapy! How pathetic!? And you question whether I really want to be here!? Of course I hate it! Of course it's uncomfortable! Is it suppose to be any other way?

Rant aside. I'm going to email her on Wednesday and cancel all my sessions. I'm done. I then plan to go the medicinal route. Anyone who knows me knows this is absolutely the LAST thing I want to do, and I'm not actually sure I want that either. I know Sondra will be mad/disappointed at me quitting...but maybe taking medication will make her less disappointed?


I have been on anti anxiety/depression meds in the past but I was seeing therapist through school and was able to get prescriptions. I'm kind of at a loss with what to do now. How do I get a prescription? I figure I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist? Will I sit down for one appointment with them and then just get pills that afternoon? Is that how it works?

It's absolutely ironic that I'm having severe anxiety at the THOUGHT of going to a psychiatrist. I wish I could just get pills without talking to someone.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Cue faceplant...again

And I may legitimately be quitting therapy. Worst session ever. I feel like absolute total crap.


Successful run and video workout yesterday! Feeling pretty good :) I feel successful in that I think I pulled myself out of a spot.

Anyways, therapy is today. And nerves are kicking in. Didn't sleep a whole lot last night. Just hoping all goes well without any awkwards, but ya know...queen of awkward right here.