Last weeks discussion: My fear of going upstairs and all it entails. Mainly we talked about my social skills. Like how I don't understand when a conversation is over, or how to end it myself. And how I leave the "ending a conversation" up to someone else. It felt kind of like a "fluff" therapy session. Which I'm fine with. The last 2 weeks have been too intense anyways. So next week she is gone...so I won't see her for another couple weeks. Again, I'm kind of glad for the break.
Other things to note. January is coming. I like setting goals and being organized...and I tend to go overboard and obsess here. This year is no different. I feel the food demons scratching their way up my back again. I did so well this year. I remained very neutral when it came to food. I didn't starve and I didn't over stuff myself. And I don't miss that. I don't miss being hungry and hurting or having a massive food baby and feeling suicidal because I fucking ate. I honestly 100% do not miss that. And yet, I find myself really missing my organization, my planning, my routine, things that are mine, secrets. When I decided to really try this shit out and "set aside" my food issues, my obsessive planning also went along with it and I don't like that. Especially right now. I'm feeling so out of my element. I see January on the horizon and I keep thinking about an organized fridge with portioned meals. I start thinking...maybe I can do this right? Maybe I can be obsessive and still be healthy? Maybe I can be "obsessive" (I need a better word because that sounds so negative) and calorie count in a healthy way? Meh...that's where my head has been. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even craving thin...I want to be healthy...I just want...something different than I have now? I feel like I eat without thinking and it's unsettling when I sit back after a meal and realize that.
I remember when you made your list of goals last year. Boy, that was nuts! I'd be really interested if you do an update on how they ended up :)
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for having such a neutral year for food, that's a huge achievement. I can understand the addictiveness of the structure, planning, routine. I've always wanted more structure in my food; when I was younger I'd make meal plans and loved making a bit of a 'deal' over food. Maybe you could focus on something other than calories, like food groups, and see if it helps.
xx