So, after ignoring my therapist's 2 phone calls she left a message. Very sweet really. About how she said she understood I was probably feeling frustrated, and if that was the case to please come back in so we could talk about it. She said this is probably the point in which I usually give up on myself and others...and really encouraged me not to let this be another area I give up in.
I was really upset when I got this message. I couldn't concentrate on any of my homework and I was just irritated. I had made a decision and all I needed from her was an "okay..I'm leaving you alone now"...but she didn't do that...she instead told me she would hold my Friday appointment open and I could still decide. I was upset at having to make this decision over again. I talked to Sondra who of course super encouraged me to go back in as well. I also felt the need to go in and just YELL! Like....I AM NOT GIVING UP! That is not what this is! I was also afraid of the impending awkward that would follow me to therapy.
Long story short...I went back. I made Sondra sit in the waiting room.
When I got in we talked about how I felt like she didn't want me there anymore. And how I felt like being in therapy for someone else wasn't a problem and I didn't understand why it was an issue. We talked about her discomfort with my desire for her to push me in therapy. I completely understand her reasoning now. It is this: I push myself in my head to do things I don't want to, verbally abusing myself to get shit done....therapy is one of those things I push myself to do because I know it will benefit Sondra and my relationship. She said she cannot align herself with the abusive side of me. And to push me to do something I don't want to do...is aligning with that...putting her in an ethical tough spot. So we agreed that I can find reasons that I want to be there. Just for me. And I can tell myself I am going to make myself a better person for myself. Reasons I want to go to therapy. To work on my anxiety, get better and making and keeping friends. That's what I have so far.
Blah...so it feels like this is going to be an uphill battle...but I am ultimately glad that I went back. She said she is on my side...fighting for me. And that sometimes this discussion of frustration between client and therapist can be really beneficial to work through.
Sondra got to come into the end of the session too so they could meet. It all went well. Now preparing for next week.
I'm really glad to hear it's all sorted out. I'm proud of you for going back, as much as you didn't want to. It'd have been sad to see you quit therapy without clearing the air. Her logic for not wanting to push you does make a lot of sense. Maybe it's something you can start working towards, to stop bullying and pushing yourself so hard.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with next week. Are you still thinking about trying alternative methods to help, or do you think therapy's enough?
Thinking of you xx
Yes, I am looking into accupunture still. No medications but a lot of herbal remedies! I will definitely post my findings :)
DeleteI'm glad you're pushing through this, stay brave <3 xx
ReplyDelete