"big dog"/"little dog"

Oh this is going to be long. Feeling kind of thankful for my little secret blog at the moment. This is the first time in quite awhile that I have had time to myself to be a bit reflective.

Last week Sondra called me to tell me she was going to be late from school. She starts off with "Don't worry, I will be home...just a little late. And when I tell you why I don't think you will really care that I'm late, just that I will be home." My mind starts racing imagining all these horrific accidents she could have been in. Turns out she actually had been on the phone with one of our friends, consoling her after an absolutely traumatic incident. They had adopted a dog as a friend for their little dog. Had him less than a few weeks, and she came home to find that the new dog had killed her old dog while she was gone.

Why am I recounting this here? Because I absolutely lost it upon hearing this. Like, lost use of my legs...fell to the floor in a pile of tears and upset. Typing this now...I even have to push back the tears. I had never met either of the dogs. E (Sondra's friend) was really helpful in calming me down during the week of the proposal (oh yes, update I proposed to Sondra...she said yes...updated on other blog). E was also the person I went to see Jillian Michaels with when Sondra couldn't go. So, while E is more Sondra's friend, I have hung out with her. When Sondra told me what happened, as I said, I lost it on the phone. When Sondra drove home I was still a mess and then felt guilty on top of everything because I never asked Sondra how she was dealing, since she had to get E out of the house over the phone and basically had to be a listening ear to a completely traumatic situation for E.

When Sondra got home, I apologized for not asking earlier and then got myself all worked up again. Thereby not allowing myself to be there for her when she needed me. I was feeling TOO much. Every part of me hurt, ached for E and her husband, for her little dog, for the dog that did this. I felt so awful and was putting myself in everyone's shoes. I couldn't have a conversation about this incident. I couldn't console Sondra. I couldn't help her process the situation. I was completely overwhelmed.

This has happened before. Where a sad situation, that doesn't involve me, completely incapacitates me. Another event that did this was the shooting at the elementary school last year. I had to keep myself from any media for about a week otherwise I was done for the day.

Anyways, this is what I brought to therapy with me last week. I started talking about all the perspectives I was seeing in this situation. How I felt as if my own dog had been killed, as if I had been the one who witnessed and experienced that. I then also felt for "little dog". No one knew that "big dog" was a bully or unstable...but "little dog" did. And being alone with him for the last few weeks must have been terrifying. And then "big dog". I feel bad for "big dog". He will be/has been euthanized. I feel guilty for feeling bad for him, but I do.

So as I talked about all these scenario,s my therapist wanted to touch more on how I felt about "little dog". I knew as I stepped into that question where we were going. It was something I caught myself thinking about a little after the incident...how closely related "little dog" and I were, or how I was connecting our stories. I explained to A (my therapist) that "little dogs" humans were suppose to protect her. "Little dog" has no other choice but to trust that...that is a scary realization and something I think about a lot when I'm volunteering at animal shelters. Anyways, I explained how scary it must have been for her to have her humans leave each time. And ultimately how terrifying the situation was in the end. A asked if I had ever felt like this before. I managed to get through all this with only a red face (no tears), I said "I can't do this now...I have to go to work right after this...I just can't. I'm not opposed to talking about it...I just can't now". She understood. And when I explained to her how I needed to be there for Sondra and let her talk about how she was feeling about the situation, she said that I can't. She says she thinks I connected myself to this little dog and retraumatized myself from past "trauma"...yuck I seriously hate that word.

 Now I'm kind of freaking out about next week. I honestly don't know how to discuss this stuff. Never have. And I also feel like an idiot. Like my "trauma" isn't big enough to be called a "trauma". Going to a therapist for what I went through is like going to the emergency room with a hangnail. What I experienced wasn't traumatic...it was confusing yes, but traumatic no. Abuse is too big a word. No words fit my experience and I feel silly for bringing it up.

Yikes next week will be a doozy.