I'm back here for more positive reasons. There are just some things I can't say in my "family and friends" friendly blog. And I'm feeling a need to hash out some things that have happened this weekend. In the next month though I'm going to work on fixing up this blog with a more positive focus.
I feel on the road to "recovery" in all senses of the word. I've been making some pretty positive decisions lately and I feel like things in my head are finally starting to come together. Sondra and I went through a rough patch last month. I've started therapy again. It was extremely difficult to get myself back into a therapy type situation, but I felt myself doing exactly what I did in my last relationship. Pushing her away, yelling, verbally abusing her at every turn. It's so awful. I was also back in the habit (after a really long break) of cutting almost every night. I'm too fucking old for this! So, I found a therapist, with Sondra's help. I'm coming to terms with how messed up my last therapy experience was (not sure if I ever mentioned it here but between two suicide attempts my therapist hired me to work in her office, doing paperwork and copying and such, all the while still receiving therapy from her...I was then "fired" when I attempted suicide again.) This new therapist is really nice and understanding and I think will be helpful. Though I don't think I'll EVER be comfortable crying. EVER.
Life things I've been thinking about: My 15 year old cousin came out to me last week. And then proceeded to come out to her parents. I'm so proud of her. I want to be this really good role model for her but I don't feel that I am. She is so open and honest with her feelings and I find myself a little uncomfortable with that. As well as feeling a bit bummed and hard on myself for not being like that when I was younger. I mean she seriously sat down with her mom awhile back and told her she was confused about her sexuality. That is something I wouldn't even do NOW with my mother. I'm actually really in awe of her. I'm proud and amazed and so happy that she has amazing accepting friends.
I've been doing so well with food. Not over eating. Not starving. Kept myself at a pretty even spot. Not always necessarily eating healthy but I'm working on balancing and not overdoing. Example: I, in the past would have major binges which would trigger a month or two of fasting/starving/over exercising. I haven't done that in some time. A few nights ago I made some cookies. Had a major binge fest on them...for no particular reason. I felt that crap start to sneak into my head. When Monday came along I was going to throw out all the rest of the cookies, fast and run. Instead I kept them their....as a test. Monday came around. I went for a 30 minute run (not 3 hours) came home, drank lots of water, had a banana and oatmeal for breakfast, did some homework, had a normal dinner (soup and salad)...and allowed myself 1 cookie. I'm allowed one a day and I'm feeling okay about that. Just one. Things feel less wobbly. I feel fuller...and I don't mean hunger wise. I feel...together. I actually feel powerful and controlled. I didn't think that was possible while eating regular and exercising sporadically. I don't know my weight. And most days I'm okay with that. I'm focusing on my running goal which is to complete a 5K on October 13th and possible a half in December.
More random things:
I met with a friend from High School for coffee today. When I first came out to her we had this agreement (in order to keep the friendship in tact): She wouldn't talk about God and I wouldn't talk about being gay. It sucked. But for some reason we trudged on through and maintained a really surface level relationship. Today, she apologized for her reaction. Though I'd long ago come to terms with the fact that everyone has their own processing time and I can't hold it against them, it was really nice to hear that from her. She talked about how she felt really bad when she found out I'd been cutting in HS. She said to me "I hope you don't feel like you need to be the person that puts on that fake smile for me anymore. You can be honest with me and authentic." Whoa. It felt good to hear that. Scary, but really good and comforting at the same time.
I feel like I have some people coming out of the woodwork who actually do care about me. Paired with therapy, I might actually reach the point where I'm able to return that care. Just felt like sharing. Hope all the people out here are doing alright. I don't visit very often but I think I might start using this as my "therapy afterthoughts" blog type thing.
