Well, so much for that...

Well, here I am. Let me take you inside my brain for just a second. I was all ready to get some serious muscle....shoot up to 115lbs...and be happy with my Jillian Michael's inspired body. *close up on MAJOR face plant*

I felt like I was just getting fatter...not more muscley. I reached 110 almost 2 weeks ago and I'm back down to 101 now. This is partly due to the fact that I have been at my parents house watching the dogs again while they are on vacation. Meaning I have NO ONE forcing food upon me. It also coincided with a time I was feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed with food, calories, numbers....yadda yadda yadda. And was triggered heavily when I heard that the girl I use to work with (mentioned in previous posts as "the girl who looks seconds away from a hospital bed") just got out of a 4 month ED clinic. Just looking at her use to trigger me...so I guess I'm not surprised that I was hit with that information in such a negative way. I guess this week can be explained as passive restriction.

I'm nervous because I head back home tomorrow. I'm eating...but I'm counting...and I'm eating things that feel okay. Sondra always gets worried, and to be honest, a bit pissy with me when I do this. Things that have officially not been allowed in my mouth: breads, chips, any vegan processed cheeses, or oils. I've been mainly sticking to my almond yogurt and a salad with garbanzo beans at night.

ANYWAYS....I guess I'm back here for a little while. I feel like I'm not doing this as intentionally as I have in the past. I feel like I have one foot in healthy "muscle lady" realm and another in "stick thin, I hate myself" realm. I will admit, seeing that I'd lost 9 lbs without trying too hard gave me that evil good feeling.

Blah, I bought Jillian Michael's 6 week six pack video. S and I are starting it next week. Depending on my attitude about myself I might take some before and after pictures. I haven't worked out at all this week but it's because I've been able to restrict enough to avoid it. Not sure that will be entirely possible once I get home.

Love you all. Thanks for reading.

triggered.

Just dipping my toe in today. Feeling triggered as all hell. Long story. Don't know what I'm doing. Just here to say hi. I'm alive. I'm living. Just having a rough week I suppose.