Well, so much for that...

Well, here I am. Let me take you inside my brain for just a second. I was all ready to get some serious muscle....shoot up to 115lbs...and be happy with my Jillian Michael's inspired body. *close up on MAJOR face plant*

I felt like I was just getting fatter...not more muscley. I reached 110 almost 2 weeks ago and I'm back down to 101 now. This is partly due to the fact that I have been at my parents house watching the dogs again while they are on vacation. Meaning I have NO ONE forcing food upon me. It also coincided with a time I was feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed with food, calories, numbers....yadda yadda yadda. And was triggered heavily when I heard that the girl I use to work with (mentioned in previous posts as "the girl who looks seconds away from a hospital bed") just got out of a 4 month ED clinic. Just looking at her use to trigger me...so I guess I'm not surprised that I was hit with that information in such a negative way. I guess this week can be explained as passive restriction.

I'm nervous because I head back home tomorrow. I'm eating...but I'm counting...and I'm eating things that feel okay. Sondra always gets worried, and to be honest, a bit pissy with me when I do this. Things that have officially not been allowed in my mouth: breads, chips, any vegan processed cheeses, or oils. I've been mainly sticking to my almond yogurt and a salad with garbanzo beans at night.

ANYWAYS....I guess I'm back here for a little while. I feel like I'm not doing this as intentionally as I have in the past. I feel like I have one foot in healthy "muscle lady" realm and another in "stick thin, I hate myself" realm. I will admit, seeing that I'd lost 9 lbs without trying too hard gave me that evil good feeling.

Blah, I bought Jillian Michael's 6 week six pack video. S and I are starting it next week. Depending on my attitude about myself I might take some before and after pictures. I haven't worked out at all this week but it's because I've been able to restrict enough to avoid it. Not sure that will be entirely possible once I get home.

Love you all. Thanks for reading.