Balancing...sort of.

First off Bella, thank you for your comment on my last, completely depressing drunk post. I really appreciate knowing that someone is there...I'm totally lacking in the number of people in real life I have to talk to these days, as pathetic as that sounds :|

Anyways, I'm back again. My visits will be sporadic  Every day is different in my head. One day, I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and happiness and ideas for future projects and then I think about the energy these projects will consume and my track record with actually ever completing ANYTHING and I'm down again. I'm up, craving healthy wondrous  nutritional foods. I'm baking and cleaning and organizing and then I remember the money these luxuries require. I'm down, broke, sad, eating little but still going to derby practice....so...losing. I feel I'm constantly walking on a fence. Unsure of what side of the fence I desire to work towards jumping on. And since I can't figure it out...I stay up here...balancing, panicking.

My "food issues" are not in check as of now. In fact, if I weren't doing derby, I most certainly would be restricting. I'm losing without trying right now just because my exercise is up and I can't afford to eat all the processed shit. Which is good and bad. I can't decide. Because I don't feel I have the option to restrict (I need all the energy I can muster together to practice safely) I have been cutting. Which also sucks because it makes me feel like a weak player when someone grabs my arm to give me a whip, and I can feel (underneath my wrist guards) my open wounds. I'm not feeling good. Last week I was halfheartedly planning my suicide again. I took two days off of work...which I definitely couldn't afford...because I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the store, while I was ringing up a customer. I'm currently resisting the urge to cut again because my wounds are almost healed from a couple weeks ago. But my mind is on self destruct. I keep thinking that I have vodka in the fridge or at least a bottle of wine. Drinking alone almost always leads to more cutting.

I'm nervous about moving in with Sondra. Officially at the end of January but will probably be a bit before then too. I'm nervous that I won't be able to eat what I want, how I want. Even though I know she  gets all this stuff. I'm just worried to be watched and judged...which I also know she won't do. I'm paranoid. We are going to start doing the Insanity workout together.

I don't know what I want. I literally feel like I'm on a balance beam. Too afraid to jump to one side or the other. Because when I jump...no matter what side I land on...I never land on my feet. I just keep falling.

Anyways, I'm here for now. I'm off to comment a bit and check in on everyone.