Well I dropped off the radar for a bit. Things have been odd, I feel completely displaced and out of my routine and my body is fully showing that right now. I've had a binge belly for the last week now and it's utterly depressing. Lynndsey loves my body...apparently. Of course she first saw me naked when I was around 95lbs. I'm absolutely terrified of the scale. It snowed really badly at my place about a week ago and she was stuck at my apartment for three days. We had binges together. It was awful and beautiful all at the same time. It's like we were letting each other in to our dirty little secrets...offering each other our trust...being completely vulnerable in front of one another. Of course as the days went on and I continued to eat...getting naked got harder.
Jeesus H CHRIST. I was doing this at home on my laptop and my parents keep popping their nosey little fucking faces over. To be continued....
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Still here!
God. Moving has kicked my ass. I have been having about two days of decent restriction followed by 1-3 days of massive binging. It's killing my soul. I know it's because there is all this change going on and my life is in upheaval and I don't have time to plan and calculate and regulate and list and obsess and it's stressing me out. I haven't been on the scale in a week because I'm absolutely terrified it will blink back a number above 100. So instead I'm getting my shit together on Monday (the purest of days) and WILL lose the blubber I've accumulated since the move and get things back in order. I NEED to get my tupperware so I can calculate out my meals for the week, stick them in the fridge and lessen the amount I have to think about crap. I NEED to find a running route here (this is about 90% of my problem. I haven't been running, but I've been eating...and it makes me sad) Lyndsey did offer her treadmill to me...which I thought was super sweet. Have I said we are officially dating now? Going on about 3 weeks now. We are going to have a soup date coming up :) Where we actually make soup together. It's really nice because we never go out to eat so I don't have to stress about that.
In other news. I drove up to my old hometown the other day. For several reasons this was difficult. It was the first time I'd been there since opening pandora's box with Brenda. I thought it would feel nice and freeing to go back...I obviously have not processed shit well enough though because the second I drove into town I got the shakey sweats. Fuck that. Trisha wouldn't answer my calls when I was there and I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it all. I had plans to visit my old house and the beach...none of which I did. Probably getting to a place with Lyndsey where I will be able to talk about some of this. Could be helpful. Could also just freak me the fuck out. Who knows. My head has been full of metal beads since I left. Time to clear some of that out.
So yeah....here's a risk I'm taking since it's been awhile. Picture of me :) Being nerdy and excited about my new apartment keys:
In other news. I drove up to my old hometown the other day. For several reasons this was difficult. It was the first time I'd been there since opening pandora's box with Brenda. I thought it would feel nice and freeing to go back...I obviously have not processed shit well enough though because the second I drove into town I got the shakey sweats. Fuck that. Trisha wouldn't answer my calls when I was there and I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it all. I had plans to visit my old house and the beach...none of which I did. Probably getting to a place with Lyndsey where I will be able to talk about some of this. Could be helpful. Could also just freak me the fuck out. Who knows. My head has been full of metal beads since I left. Time to clear some of that out.
So yeah....here's a risk I'm taking since it's been awhile. Picture of me :) Being nerdy and excited about my new apartment keys:
(removed)
Blargh....dimples and glasses and no makeup. Gah. This will be removed soon.
Monday, January 2, 2012
94.5
.5 lbs higher than today's goal. Oh well.
I checked my mom's scale which has been at most 3 lbs lighter than what I really am so I added to the 91.5 lbs (oh wouldn't it be lovely if I was really there?). I wasn't able to check with mine this morning because everyone is home and my usual "smuggle it in under my showering clothes" wouldn't work because my dad was actually sitting in the room next to the bathroom at his desk. Grrrr.
I went running last night. It's weird because I know if I run on a low calorie day it's almost a guarantee I will binge, but I worry that if I don't run I will binge anyways. So I run...and then I binge. It was okay yesterday because Sundays for some reason tend to be a "fuck it all to hell, stuff odd shit in my mouth" kind of binge. I had had 200 cals for the day, ran 5 miles and then probably ate somewhere near 2000 cals. Which at least brought me down to a "normal person" day. But ugh. I'm running tonight. Probably 5 again. And then sticking to soup.
I checked my mom's scale which has been at most 3 lbs lighter than what I really am so I added to the 91.5 lbs (oh wouldn't it be lovely if I was really there?). I wasn't able to check with mine this morning because everyone is home and my usual "smuggle it in under my showering clothes" wouldn't work because my dad was actually sitting in the room next to the bathroom at his desk. Grrrr.
I went running last night. It's weird because I know if I run on a low calorie day it's almost a guarantee I will binge, but I worry that if I don't run I will binge anyways. So I run...and then I binge. It was okay yesterday because Sundays for some reason tend to be a "fuck it all to hell, stuff odd shit in my mouth" kind of binge. I had had 200 cals for the day, ran 5 miles and then probably ate somewhere near 2000 cals. Which at least brought me down to a "normal person" day. But ugh. I'm running tonight. Probably 5 again. And then sticking to soup.
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