Moving

I'm moving over to WordPress. Seems I've lost most my readers here anyways. I don't blame people for leaving. This blog turned to depressing rants all too often. Hoping to change that over at : http://bonesofmorbiddiathesis.wordpress.com/ I figured it'd be a good place since PrettyThin switched over their format and such. Also, it's easier to find people with similar interests. Later :)

When it rains it pours.

Seems everything happens all at once...anyone else experience this? I mean hell, if I'm going to be triggered might as well make it good eh universe? Two things. First, going back to using Lyndsey as my gf's name. I keep freaking out about the anonymity of this blog. So, back to the first thing. Lyndsey's old habits are rearing their heads again. Mainly because she had to move back in with her parents and her mom is super obsessive and controlling over her intake. Irritates me. I'm to afraid/nervous/guilty/lame to tell her I'm highly triggered at the moment and hearing her say "hunger pains are good" actually set me off more. On to thing 2. I'm going to the little Asian grocery store after work today with one of my coworkers...who...have I mentioned? is on the cusp of looking like she needs to be shipped off to the hospital. Teeny tiny. And of course super sweet. I look like a cow walking next to her. I'm not very good at making friends or hanging out with people...so naturally I'm a little nervous. But at the same time it's nice to have something to do after work.

I have to come up with a dinner that Lynndsey and I can have together on Sunday night. Right now I'm going for massaged kale salad. It's fairly simple...and light. Something we can both enjoy.

I've been grinding my teeth at night again. Massive headaches ensue.

Competitive Nature

So completely triggered into a starvation frenzy today. This girl got hired at my work about 3 or 4 months ago. I immediately noticed her red bracelet. Just something I ticked off in my mind. I do that with most people...though I'm not stupid enough to believe that all red bracelets are representative of an ed. A couple weeks ago I was having lunch, stuffing my face...and she brings up her last stay at inpatient. NOT what I needed to hear at that moment. But I pushed through. I didn't ask any questions because I seriously did not want to hear about it. I don't want to know. The less I know the better. She is constantly talking about her weight...or how this activity will be good because she will lose weight. Today she was all dizzy and shaky. I was actually worried for her. We walked back to the parking lot today...I watched her eat grapes....four chews each mouthful. Yes, girl...I notice.

I feel competitive. Fucking sick I know. I don't really even know why. I just know that I can. It's disgusting. I hate myself for feeling like this. I also convince myself my head is leaning back to restricting because I've been cutting every night for the last few nights. Having made myself a mental food list while washing dishes tonight...I feel fine enough to forgo the blade tonight.

I'm angry for getting back here. Mainly because I convinced myself I was well enough to start derby again. I have tryouts on the 29th. I cannot get sick...I cannot be weak. Derby days are rice, quinoa, non-dairy cheeze, fruits, veggies, crackers, 1 latte if necessary. Other days are soups, liquids, puddings, light fruits, veggies, home coffee and 40 minutes of running.

dizzy

I'm driving myself crazy. Props to you if you can make it through this entire post without spinning in circles.

First, let's say...I feel I have a boulder on my chest. Breathing is not happening as it should. And the more I think about it...the more panicked I become. I will have to cut tonight.

Second. I'm having drawn out daydreams of quitting my job and driving to the ocean with nothing but a blade, a bottle of vodka, and pills. I imagine hacking into my skin and then burying my arms in salty sand and water. I then lay on the beach....my lips become cracked and bloody and my wounds infected with yellow puss. And this is where I stay...swallowing. Until I can't any longer. I'm slightly worried...but also excited by these thoughts. Worried, because I'm well aware they are not normal or healthy...but excited because I want it. I want to have nothing again. Nothing to live for. No reason to even bother. I hold on right now for my job...for sondra...for a future. But I'm starting to get fuzzy and float. Arms detaching...legs breaking. I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it...it's just not something I use my money on. I have a few "friends"...I've thought of purchasing a couple joints. I don't know why. I don't even know if I know how to smoke.

Food issues are creeping. I've been "okay" for awhile. "Okay" in that I've gotten fatter. Girl at work...always talking about her old ED. I can't hear it. It makes me long for sickness. I can't get ill and too skinny. I started derby again. I stand a really good chance of making it onto an awesome team. I don't want to be fit. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be anything anymore. Nothing. I want to stop.

I don't feel good :'( I'm afraid this is all I'll ever be. I'm sorry for all the depressing posts. I don't know how to fix myself at the moment. I don't know where else to put this.

Flip

Life seems better today. Funny how that happens yes? One of my friends from the farm is coming to visit and Sondra and I hung out all day yesterday. I wonder if sometimes my bouts of depression sync up with lack of social activity. I hate hanging out with people but when I force myself to I usually feel better. Anyways, this blog is mainly for my depressing rants unless I can find a better use for it. We shall see.