So completely triggered into a starvation frenzy today. This girl got hired at my work about 3 or 4 months ago. I immediately noticed her red bracelet. Just something I ticked off in my mind. I do that with most people...though I'm not stupid enough to believe that all red bracelets are representative of an ed. A couple weeks ago I was having lunch, stuffing my face...and she brings up her last stay at inpatient. NOT what I needed to hear at that moment. But I pushed through. I didn't ask any questions because I seriously did not want to hear about it. I don't want to know. The less I know the better. She is constantly talking about her weight...or how this activity will be good because she will lose weight. Today she was all dizzy and shaky. I was actually worried for her. We walked back to the parking lot today...I watched her eat grapes....four chews each mouthful. Yes, girl...I notice.
I feel competitive. Fucking sick I know. I don't really even know why. I just know that I can. It's disgusting. I hate myself for feeling like this. I also convince myself my head is leaning back to restricting because I've been cutting every night for the last few nights. Having made myself a mental food list while washing dishes tonight...I feel fine enough to forgo the blade tonight.
I'm angry for getting back here. Mainly because I convinced myself I was well enough to start derby again. I have tryouts on the 29th. I cannot get sick...I cannot be weak. Derby days are rice, quinoa, non-dairy cheeze, fruits, veggies, crackers, 1 latte if necessary. Other days are soups, liquids, puddings, light fruits, veggies, home coffee and 40 minutes of running.
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