dizzy

I'm driving myself crazy. Props to you if you can make it through this entire post without spinning in circles.

First, let's say...I feel I have a boulder on my chest. Breathing is not happening as it should. And the more I think about it...the more panicked I become. I will have to cut tonight.

Second. I'm having drawn out daydreams of quitting my job and driving to the ocean with nothing but a blade, a bottle of vodka, and pills. I imagine hacking into my skin and then burying my arms in salty sand and water. I then lay on the beach....my lips become cracked and bloody and my wounds infected with yellow puss. And this is where I stay...swallowing. Until I can't any longer. I'm slightly worried...but also excited by these thoughts. Worried, because I'm well aware they are not normal or healthy...but excited because I want it. I want to have nothing again. Nothing to live for. No reason to even bother. I hold on right now for my job...for sondra...for a future. But I'm starting to get fuzzy and float. Arms detaching...legs breaking. I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it...it's just not something I use my money on. I have a few "friends"...I've thought of purchasing a couple joints. I don't know why. I don't even know if I know how to smoke.

Food issues are creeping. I've been "okay" for awhile. "Okay" in that I've gotten fatter. Girl at work...always talking about her old ED. I can't hear it. It makes me long for sickness. I can't get ill and too skinny. I started derby again. I stand a really good chance of making it onto an awesome team. I don't want to be fit. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be anything anymore. Nothing. I want to stop.

I don't feel good :'( I'm afraid this is all I'll ever be. I'm sorry for all the depressing posts. I don't know how to fix myself at the moment. I don't know where else to put this.