Unemployed...again

I quit my job today. Yesterday I had been called into the office for that stupid secret shop thing, but also because of my attendance. I've called out a couple days over the last couple weeks because I literally couldn't face a customer. I couldn't smile...I could barely get out of bed. So because I was talked to about it yesterday (it a very "you are a bad girl" type manner...I don't deal well with that, horrible horrible guilt and anxiety) I started to have a massive panic attack on the way to work this morning. Driving on the freeway and I start imagining ways I could get out of work because I was too embarrassed to go back (I cried a little in the office...shame). I started thinking "what's stopping me from just flipping the wheel really quick into the railing? What's stopping me from going into another lane of traffic? The answer was that I AM the one stopping that...and I'm not stable. I made it to work and realized I'd been death gripping the wheel and was shaking uncontrollably  I called Sondra and told her I couldn't do this. I can't work here anymore. And then I called work and said I'm not coming in. And that was it.

Funny thing is...the extreme panic and anxiety has not set in. I felt light today. Sondra and I walked by the waterfront and shopped around. It was nice and relaxing. And I've been crafting the rest of the day. I'm nervous for the realization that I have no steady source of income to set in.

Anyways, tomorrow Sondra and I are going to the beach. If I get some good photos I'll post. Sondra is packing a picnic. I've requested salad and lara bars and she seemed to oblige.  

Food was okay today. Almond yogurt, almonds, banana, and soup. Not nearly enough veggies and too many fats, but whatever.

Life of an introvert

I seriously hate customers service. And customer service hates me. I for one, when walking into a grocery store and checking out, DO NOT want to have a conversation with a complete stranger. It's none of your business what I'm making with what I'm buying, or what I'm doing this weekend, or how my weekend was. Seriously, I always think "just shut up and quit pretending we are long lost buddies and let me pay for the god damn food!!!!". Anyways, I was secret shopped a few days ago and my snapshop was "unacceptable" as it was put so kindly to me today. I asked how they were, but there was "an awkward silence between bagging" "no eye contact" Seriously fuck off. I don't like you that's why...I'm working at this shitty job to pay the bills and I don't give a flying fuck who you are or why you are here!

I think I need a new job. Customer service is not my place...but I seriously can't do anything else. I'm feeling so low and stupid...definitely stupid about this whole thing. I feel like I was put on this earth with only the abilities to do lame ass jobs...but the desires for so much more. Blargh. Hating life right now. I had so many food plans today too. I was going to have my morning coffee with my soy cream, oatmeal, soup, carrots and hummus, salad, more soup and a veggie dog.

Instead I had coffee and oatmeal because work got me all upset. So I didn't run today. Tomorrow will be better.

Going to do this better...

Blogging that is. Quick update:

Food is NOT going well. I've been alone for the last week (my parents went on vacation and I'm watching the dogs) and, left to my own devices, have been restricting. I've also been running though so I HAVE been making sure I have enough calories to safely run. I have one more week here alone and then I go back home. I'm both nervous and relieved. I know Sondra is going to be upset at my eating habits...I'm eating at the pace of a turtle because it's what's comfortable at the moment. But I've missed being around someone. Just feeling super lonely as usual.

That's pretty much my update. How depressing.

Post more tomorrow.