This blog makes me sound like a drama queen...

So, after ignoring my therapist's 2 phone calls she left a message. Very sweet really. About how she said she understood I was probably feeling frustrated, and if that was the case to please come back in so we could talk about it. She said this is probably the point in which I usually give up on myself and others...and really encouraged me not to let this be another area I give up in.

I was really upset when I got this message. I couldn't concentrate on any of my homework and I was just irritated. I had made a decision and all I needed from her was an "okay..I'm leaving you alone now"...but she didn't do that...she instead told me she would hold my Friday appointment open and I could still decide. I was upset at having to make this decision over again. I talked to Sondra who of course super encouraged me to go back in as well. I also felt the need to go in and just YELL! Like....I AM NOT GIVING UP! That is not what this is! I was also afraid of the impending awkward that would follow me to therapy.

Long story short...I went back. I made Sondra sit in the waiting room.

When I got in we talked about how I felt like she didn't want me there anymore. And how I felt like being in therapy for someone else wasn't a problem and I didn't understand why it was an issue. We talked about her discomfort with my desire for her to push me in therapy. I completely understand her reasoning now. It is this: I push myself in my head to do things I don't want to, verbally abusing myself to get shit done....therapy is one of those things I push myself to do because I know it will benefit Sondra and my relationship. She said she cannot align herself with the abusive side of me. And to push me to do something I don't want to do...is aligning with that...putting her in an ethical tough spot. So we agreed that I can find reasons that I want to be there. Just for me. And I can tell myself I am going to make myself a better person for myself. Reasons I want to go to therapy. To work on my anxiety, get better and making and keeping friends. That's what I have so far.

Blah...so it feels like this is going to be an uphill battle...but I am ultimately glad that I went back. She said she is on my side...fighting for me. And that sometimes this discussion of frustration between client and therapist can be really beneficial to work through.

Sondra got to come into the end of the session too so they could meet. It all went well. Now preparing for next week.

Natural methods vs therapy.

First, thank you everyone who responded to my last post. I really appreciate the support and love that I always get from this blog. You are all lovely <3

So, I emailed my therapist last night. I kept it really short and simple. Mainly because I am angry, and I don't want to be rude. I just said that I will not be in on Friday and I would like to cancel the rest of my appointments. Minutes later I get a response asking if we could talk about it, and how she doesn't feel therapy should be ended through email or message...(seriously? is this the equivalent of breaking up with someone via text?...well shit, now I feel bad)...and would I be willing to come in for one more session. I responded with a sorry for doing this through email, I would have called but I hate phones and I didn't want to just NOT show up on Friday. I also stated that we pretty much discussed my reasoning for not coming back at the last session and felt it would be pointless to come in again. I also said, I would just like to be done. AND cue another response. Can we talk about this? I can call you tomorrow anytime before 2. alskdjfalksdjflakjdfa. This response irritates me. DID YOU NOT READ MY LAST MESSAGE!??? I hate phones!!! Gah! So, I didn't respond. I will not pick up the phone...and I hope that she will leave it at that. I hate being an asshole. I know I'm being dramatic....but this just isn't going to work. Therapy doesn't work for me. I should have figured this out with over 10 years of failed therapy under my belt.

I know Sondra is so upset. I feel I have failed her and our relationship. My last ditch effort was telling her I would make an appointment and get started on some medication. I want her to know that I DO want to be a better person....for her. And there lies the problem. One of the main reasons therapy sucked was because I am doing this for Sondra. I love her so much, I was willing to sit in complete discomfort for an hour a week. And my therapist saw this. Therapy won't work if you aren't doing it for yourself. REALLY? Guess I'm screwed then because I will NEVER willingly lock myself in a room with a stranger to happily talk about my feelings. NEVER. *SSSSIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH*

QUESTION:
Sondra and I also discussed alternative methods...which of course, I'm more apt to try. Looking into acupuncture and seeing a naturopath or naturalpath (I can't spell and I really don't care enough at this point to go figure it out). Anyone use alternative methods to therapy? Curious about your success with them.

Help...Medication questions.

I'm at my wits end. Literally I feel like something fell out of the sky and just squished me to the ground. So quickly...so instantly.

Therapy was AWFUL on Friday. And I thought it was going so well. I left feeling like she doesn't want me there anymore. Like my reasons for being there aren't good enough. I think she feels like I don't NEED to be there. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm a narcissistic freak that can't bear the thought of NOT talking about myself.

I left the session with her saying "I will keep your appointment on the calender for the next and following weeks, but let me know if you don't want to do that". Seriously...fuck you. I don't want to be angry at her, but I think I really am. I told her I wanted her to push me and she said she doesn't feel comfortable with that. What the fuck is your job then? Seriously, I'm paying you $150 fucking dollars out of MY pocket because I don't have insurance. I took a fucking job! So I could pay for therapy! How pathetic!? And you question whether I really want to be here!? Of course I hate it! Of course it's uncomfortable! Is it suppose to be any other way?

Rant aside. I'm going to email her on Wednesday and cancel all my sessions. I'm done. I then plan to go the medicinal route. Anyone who knows me knows this is absolutely the LAST thing I want to do, and I'm not actually sure I want that either. I know Sondra will be mad/disappointed at me quitting...but maybe taking medication will make her less disappointed?

QUESTION:

I have been on anti anxiety/depression meds in the past but I was seeing therapist through school and was able to get prescriptions. I'm kind of at a loss with what to do now. How do I get a prescription? I figure I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist? Will I sit down for one appointment with them and then just get pills that afternoon? Is that how it works?

It's absolutely ironic that I'm having severe anxiety at the THOUGHT of going to a psychiatrist. I wish I could just get pills without talking to someone.

Cue faceplant...again

And I may legitimately be quitting therapy. Worst session ever. I feel like absolute total crap.

Huzzah!

Successful run and video workout yesterday! Feeling pretty good :) I feel successful in that I think I pulled myself out of a spot.

Anyways, therapy is today. And nerves are kicking in. Didn't sleep a whole lot last night. Just hoping all goes well without any awkwards, but ya know...queen of awkward right here.

There she sits.

It's funny when that feeling comes back. I'm being aware of it. I'm sitting in the corner watching it...and watching myself resist it. And *pat on the back* I'm doing great at resisting. But there is an uneasiness settling in.

I first felt it last week after the event had time to settle. I keep thinking all I need right now is some ORDER. I've been making lists in my head. Documenting. Planning. And with that always comes my great plan to "get healthy". Problem with that is my perception is a bit skewed. It means everything "good" goes away. It means if I go to bed hungry, then I'm doing something right. It means I will cuddle up in that bed of depression and just sleep instead of eat. It means I will hate myself for eventually eating. I've been feeling so good for awhile....I don't want to feel bad again. Yet, there she sits. There is nothing to gain, but there is some power in it all I suppose.

I legitimately want to go for a run today. It's pretty crisp outside and just looks like good running weather. I have eaten today. And I'm trying to figure out it I feel guilty about what I ate. It was a lunch of carbs and preservatives. It wasn't good. I wonder if I run if it will motivate me to eat healthier. Or will I spiral? Or will it do absolutely nothing at all? Am I paranoid? I am.

I think I will run...without running a specific amount of miles or hours or burning a specific number of calories. I will just run.

"big dog"/"little dog"

Oh this is going to be long. Feeling kind of thankful for my little secret blog at the moment. This is the first time in quite awhile that I have had time to myself to be a bit reflective.

Last week Sondra called me to tell me she was going to be late from school. She starts off with "Don't worry, I will be home...just a little late. And when I tell you why I don't think you will really care that I'm late, just that I will be home." My mind starts racing imagining all these horrific accidents she could have been in. Turns out she actually had been on the phone with one of our friends, consoling her after an absolutely traumatic incident. They had adopted a dog as a friend for their little dog. Had him less than a few weeks, and she came home to find that the new dog had killed her old dog while she was gone.

Why am I recounting this here? Because I absolutely lost it upon hearing this. Like, lost use of my legs...fell to the floor in a pile of tears and upset. Typing this now...I even have to push back the tears. I had never met either of the dogs. E (Sondra's friend) was really helpful in calming me down during the week of the proposal (oh yes, update I proposed to Sondra...she said yes...updated on other blog). E was also the person I went to see Jillian Michaels with when Sondra couldn't go. So, while E is more Sondra's friend, I have hung out with her. When Sondra told me what happened, as I said, I lost it on the phone. When Sondra drove home I was still a mess and then felt guilty on top of everything because I never asked Sondra how she was dealing, since she had to get E out of the house over the phone and basically had to be a listening ear to a completely traumatic situation for E.

When Sondra got home, I apologized for not asking earlier and then got myself all worked up again. Thereby not allowing myself to be there for her when she needed me. I was feeling TOO much. Every part of me hurt, ached for E and her husband, for her little dog, for the dog that did this. I felt so awful and was putting myself in everyone's shoes. I couldn't have a conversation about this incident. I couldn't console Sondra. I couldn't help her process the situation. I was completely overwhelmed.

This has happened before. Where a sad situation, that doesn't involve me, completely incapacitates me. Another event that did this was the shooting at the elementary school last year. I had to keep myself from any media for about a week otherwise I was done for the day.

Anyways, this is what I brought to therapy with me last week. I started talking about all the perspectives I was seeing in this situation. How I felt as if my own dog had been killed, as if I had been the one who witnessed and experienced that. I then also felt for "little dog". No one knew that "big dog" was a bully or unstable...but "little dog" did. And being alone with him for the last few weeks must have been terrifying. And then "big dog". I feel bad for "big dog". He will be/has been euthanized. I feel guilty for feeling bad for him, but I do.

So as I talked about all these scenario,s my therapist wanted to touch more on how I felt about "little dog". I knew as I stepped into that question where we were going. It was something I caught myself thinking about a little after the incident...how closely related "little dog" and I were, or how I was connecting our stories. I explained to A (my therapist) that "little dogs" humans were suppose to protect her. "Little dog" has no other choice but to trust that...that is a scary realization and something I think about a lot when I'm volunteering at animal shelters. Anyways, I explained how scary it must have been for her to have her humans leave each time. And ultimately how terrifying the situation was in the end. A asked if I had ever felt like this before. I managed to get through all this with only a red face (no tears), I said "I can't do this now...I have to go to work right after this...I just can't. I'm not opposed to talking about it...I just can't now". She understood. And when I explained to her how I needed to be there for Sondra and let her talk about how she was feeling about the situation, she said that I can't. She says she thinks I connected myself to this little dog and retraumatized myself from past "trauma"...yuck I seriously hate that word.

 Now I'm kind of freaking out about next week. I honestly don't know how to discuss this stuff. Never have. And I also feel like an idiot. Like my "trauma" isn't big enough to be called a "trauma". Going to a therapist for what I went through is like going to the emergency room with a hangnail. What I experienced wasn't traumatic...it was confusing yes, but traumatic no. Abuse is too big a word. No words fit my experience and I feel silly for bringing it up.

Yikes next week will be a doozy.