A day of triggers

I think I may have just triggered myself into a full blown depression for who knows how long. Why I do this I can't really say.

Today's events:
-talked to brother on phone after work, who is doing amazingly well in L.A. working in on television sets and movies. (triggered the "wow self, you really suck and have done NOTHING with your life" mentality)
-came home and Sondra was in school mode which makes me feel like a burden and like I'm in her way
-watched some show with Tracy Gold all about eating disorders. So fucking depressing and triggering at the same time
-facebook stalked Trisha who reminded me via text yesterday that I've completely ruined her life and ability to trust people
-google stalked my old therapist...this led to the majority of the trigger. I was immediately filled with this intense guilt/anger/sadness mush of feelings. Part of me wants to write her and tell her how well I'm doing and how sorry I am about screwing everything up (she gave me a part time job in her office and I tried to off myself for the second time which made it impossible for me to work for her) And I also just feel so guilty about being so dramatic and hard to work with. I was probably such an irritating client. It's that feeling that is making me not want to write her either. It's been two years since I've had any contact with her. And I feel sad.

I'm feeling extremely lonely right now. Sad and stuck.

I really need to buy running shoes. I have tomorrow off. So I might just do that, rev up my running mix and get cracking at getting my shit together. Fighting for something. I'm so great at hating myself. I wish I could put that on my resume.

Also side note. I feel surrounded by eating disorders. Seriously. Everywhere I look. Mainly at work. There is an ED clinic up the road so that accounts for the emaciated girls that come in buying produce or yogurts, but also...the people I work with. It's sad...and fucking scary. Two of the girls I just get really scared to talk to. I actually don't want to hear anything about their life because I know it will instantly trigger me to heavy restriction. But another girl who I've recently become "friends" with has kind of started hinting at a past ED. I'm an awful friend because I don't know how to have REAL conversations with people. I shut down or change the subject to something silly or dumb. Ugh. Don't know how to explain that but we hung out the other day and I found I was so exhausted by the end of it because I was trying to keep the conversation up and light and acquaintance-y and she was trying to move it to friendship level. Which I fail at. Anyways, we are going to a concert together next week and I'm just so nervous about this acquaintance progressing into a deeper friendship. Alrighty enough of that. Off to read some.

Dear brain...you are mental.

Why is my automatic reaction to anger and guilt starve, Starve, STARVE!? Or even slice and dice?. I haven't begun any of these actions but I was just a complete bitch to Sondra. I was angry for no reason, snapped, then felt guilty. I've sat for the last hour just visualizing three long gashes in my arm and disappearing. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling fine. Is what I keep telling myself. Tomorrow will be better.

Ugh. I hate myself right now. Rant and pity party over.

Playdoe Food

You guys remember that scene in Hook? Am I dating myself? There is a food fight scene where the food is all this clay gunk. I can't remember much of it. All I know is that all my food is tasting like this. I've been eating well...as in...quite a bit. And I've realized I'm putting crap in my mouth without any taste. It all tastes the same and it's depressing. I suppose this is why I'm excited to begin my detox. Reset things, my body, life.

The world....and bear with me this is going to be dramatic and emo....seems quite overwhelming to me at the moment. I'm moving...and it's more stressful than I thought it would be. My pups have moved in with my parents and Willy (my cat) is at Sondra's (where I'll be living). I have been going after work to pack a few things here and there but it's so depressing in that space without my animals :'( Ugh. I hate going there but I have to finish packing this week. Anyways, where I was going with this bit was that whenever there is one thing overwhelming me it seems to be my brains cue to kick into overanxious gear. Everything I look at becomes a way to kill myself, a way out. And why? I was driving home yesterday and become horribly depressed and overwhelmed with all the killing in the world. This mainly starts when I see cows on fields as I pass by. And it snowballs. I love how my answer to so much killing in this word is to kill myself. Blah. 'nuff of that.

I think I finally found my Pretty Thin replacement. I was seriously getting bummed out. I'm over at Project Shape-Shift now and I'm really liking it so far. Any of you there as well?

Old Pictures and Vodka

A lot of things came together tonight in a weird way.

I've been meaning to make an Emilie Autumn compilation for one of my friends that will be going to the concert with me February. Half the songs I wanted were on my old computer and I just hadn't taken the time to transfer everything over. Well, I got on my old computer tonight. It's about 2 years old (I haven't opened it in that time). I downloaded my songs and made the mix I wanted to. Then I decided I should get all the pictures and videos too. *sigh* it's put me in a weird mood. Not upset. Just....strange. I'm currently drinking cranberry vodka and listening to this mix. When I lived in Wisconsin and Trisha and I had broken up...and Kat and Trisha would be downstairs laughing watching movies, I use to put on this one song in repeat "Chambermaid (spacemix)" super loud...and get trashed. All alone. I'd cut. To the beat of the song...which is pretty fast. Blah... embarrassing to admit that. I always feel weird cutting to music because I think the artist would just be totally ashamed of me....god that is weird. Anyways, this song came on and I literally just poured myself a drink without even thinking.

Besides that...all these pictures...most of me and Trisha. Or me at the farm (happiest time of my life). I just feel this odd mix of....unsettling. That makes no sense. Smart thing to do would be to find something else to distract myself. But I guess there is this morbid curiosity in me that wants to go through all the pictures. Look at everything. And try to address my feelings. Probably dumb to do that while drinking. I know that. And yet here I am. Contemplating the idea.

A lot of happy

I'm still going strong. As in, my head is in place. I feel GOOD for some strange...really strange reason I've yet to determine. I wish I could figure out the underlying factor to my sudden mood change. I could still be soaring high on the fumes of the New Year. I fucking love fresh starts and I seem to be starting this one off particularly well.

Anyways, I mentioned before that I'm going to do the Hungry for Change detox. I just bought the book today and I'm seriously really excited. I'm starting a little later than I had planned because I want to make sure I'm all settled and moved in with Sondra so I'm not worrying about having my Vitamix at one place or the other. On January 28th I do the 3 day detox (sondra even said she'd do it with me!) On the 31st I start incorporating more solid foods though I really want to be eating very clean. And on February 1st I do a soft week of the Insanity workouts. What I mean by soft week is Sondra also said she would do this with me and she is super worried about not being able to complete the workouts...honestly I'm worried I won't be able to either! So I said we will at least commit to 15 minutes and increase the time on the first video each day. By the end of the week we will be all ready to go with completing the full video. So....February 7th kicks off Insanity for real.

I think I'm going to keep a lot of my workout and meal updates here. Maybe...still feel undecided. And quite frankly when I'm feeling this well I think "maybe I should just delete this blog...I'm doing great!" this always seems to backfire on me though. So I guess I'm keeping it here for insurance and so I know I have a place to talk about food issues if they seem to strike again...which they inevitably do.

Feeling good today

Ahhhh! Hello!
Seem to be doing quite quite well this evening. Finished my book for the week, did my few rows of knitting for the day, watched The Biggest Loser (gah, I've missed that show). Yesterday I made this Italian pea soup....it was quite good...and green. Very green.

Anyways, I guess I don't have much to report. There is quite a build up here of creative energy? ideas? plans? anyways...building in my mind at the moment. New workouts, new goals, new recipes...on and on and on. I'm really excited for the detox on Monday. I'm using Friday and Saturday to move a lot of stuff to Sondra's which will be nice because I love when my apartment is empty. When I moved here a year ago I didn't even have a bed and it was the most lovely thing in the whole world.

My little kitten (okay, he's almost 5 but still....) is going to the vet to get tested for diabetes on Friday which is making me slightly nervous. His blood test from last month came up weird so they wanted me to collect his urine (don't ask) and then bring him by this week. Hope all goes well.

I'm off into the land of blogs.

Hungry For Change Detox

I'm looking into seriously doing this detox. And NOT focusing on weight loss. I just want to feel good. The plan can be found here: Hungry For Change Detox Plan I'm copying and pasting it all into a word file because it's a 3 day thing that they are posting for free right now (it's included in the Hungry For Change book). Anyways, if anyone is up for it feel free to join in. I'm nervous only in that some detoxes turn into me just eating nothing because I don't like or can't stomach some of the nutrient rich foods, but I really want to try to do this correctly. I need to go grocery shopping which means I may not begin this until next week...because I'm broke until pay day.

Anyways, I've been feeling a lot better over the last few days. Let's blame the New Year. I'm such a "new year", "new day", "1st of the month", "monday" kind of girl. I love fresh starts.

And back down I go

I've quit derby...again. And for the final time in my life. So many things got in the way. I was doing well with intake. Eating enough to skate properly and still lose weight too according to my jeans and girlfriend. But the social anxiety aspect of it all just made everything worse. I can't convince myself that anyone would ever see me as a valuable person on the team. I've never been a team sports kind of girl but I loved the rush of getting all your anger out on the track by slamming all you had into another body. I'm back to running. I'm attempting to maintain a healthy outlook on food. Already had a few chew/spit incidents however. Nothing major...and it was mainly because I knew there was too much sugar in it.

I've made some new year's resolutions...actually 101 because I like to fail

Reading:

1. Read 50 books (don't tell me I can't)

2. Join an online book club

3. Subscribe to Bust and VegNews

4. Purchase Harry Potter audio books and listen to them

5. Catch up on Walking Dead graphic novels

6. Rebuild my cookbook collection

7. Finish the Physics Tutoring DVD and calculus books

8. Finish the “All About Me” books with Sondra

9. Read a Shakespeare play I haven’t read

Food:

10. No more soda

11. Complete 3 day detox

12. Use Vitamix once a week

13. Use Dehydrator 12 times

14. Cut back on sugar without using unnatural sugar replacements

15. Cut back on processed foods (veganiase, daiya cheese etc.)

16. Make my own almond milk

17. Try 10 different teas

18. Go to Powell Books (should be in the books section but I don't want to renumber everything!)

19. No purchasing Starbucks unless I have a giftcard

20. Make some serious attempts to decrease/quit coffee (I’m being realistic here)

21. Try a new recipe every week (48 times)

22. Drink 3 glasses of water a day

23. Try a food I’ve never had every month

Extracurricular:

24. Start volunteering at Pasado’s

25. Go to 5 doll meetups/conventions

26. Grow veggies and herbs

27. Go to LeakyCon

28. Develop my Vegan Library

29. Go to 6 concerts

30. Go to the beach

31. Go on vacation with Sondra

32. Go on a wine tour

33. Go to the Chihuli Glass Garden

34. Have a dinner party

35. Have a vegan wine and cheese party

36. Go visit Melvin

37. Get my Melvin tattoo

38. Get together with Molly, Mary and Stephanie

39. Participate in at least 12 social hangouts

40. Go camping

41. Visit Pig’s Peace Sanctuary

42. Go to a burlesque show

43. Take Sondra on a fancy date

44. Go to and dress up for a Renaissance Faire

45. Have more hangouts with cousin Stephanie

46. Take the Seattle Underground Tour

47. Do more Fairy Oracle readings

48. Get some awesome stompin’ boots

49. Watch 20 classic movies I haven’t seen (Flash Dance, Pulp Fiction, Footloose….)

50. Surprise someone with something special

51. Go to the Pacific Science Center

52. Daytrip to Olympia

53. Go see 3 movies in the theater (1 at CineBarre)

54. Go to Card Kingdom and play cards

55. Go to a drag show

56. Attend a charity event

57. Go to an art show

58. Purchase 5 Furry Bones

59. Go see the Grey Gardens Musical

60. Go to a theater production

61. Learn to play Magic The Gathering

62. Go to the American Girl Doll Store

63. Go to the Seattle Art Museum

64. Have a picnic complete with old fashion picnic basket, sundress, and big hat

65. Go to a vegan potluck

Crafty:

 66. Sew 4 doll outfits

67. Sew 6 full sized projects

68. Learn to crochet

69. Take a picture every day

70. Knit a hat

71. Knit a baby blanket

72. Finish knitting Sondra’s scarf

73. Focus on one blog and write in it at least once a week

74. Make a frame or display of sorts to show all the Emilie Autumn concert experiences

75. Finish a puzzle

76. Make a full length music video

Fitness:

77. Run a Marathon

78. Go on 5 hikes

79. Buy new running shoes

80. Get abs and overall increase core strength

81. Complete 60 days of the Insanity workout

82. Learn to do the splits

83. Race for the Apes 5K 

84. Aids Walk

Life:

85. Find a fulfilling career

86. Go to the dentist

87. Keep car clean

88. Go to the doctor

89. Do not purchase plastic water bottles

90. Answer my phone

91. Keep up on Thank you notes

92. Keep up on correspondences

93. Remember and acknowledge birthdays

94. Get regular oil changes/keep up with car maintenance

Appearance:

95. Don’t cut or dye hair

96. Get contacts

Financial:

 97. Put $1000 towards debt

98. Put $2500 in savings

99. Budget monthly

100. Make a savings chart

101. Save all change and buy something fun at the end of the year

I'm still trying to find what I want to do with this blog. I'm going to be updating most of my resolution stuff on my public blog ( d i r t p o o r a n d d a y d r e a m i n g . b l o g s p o t . c o m)

But ya know. I like to come here to whimper and complain and hate  myself...though I'm really really really fucking trying to be better at life these days.