A day of triggers

I think I may have just triggered myself into a full blown depression for who knows how long. Why I do this I can't really say.

Today's events:
-talked to brother on phone after work, who is doing amazingly well in L.A. working in on television sets and movies. (triggered the "wow self, you really suck and have done NOTHING with your life" mentality)
-came home and Sondra was in school mode which makes me feel like a burden and like I'm in her way
-watched some show with Tracy Gold all about eating disorders. So fucking depressing and triggering at the same time
-facebook stalked Trisha who reminded me via text yesterday that I've completely ruined her life and ability to trust people
-google stalked my old therapist...this led to the majority of the trigger. I was immediately filled with this intense guilt/anger/sadness mush of feelings. Part of me wants to write her and tell her how well I'm doing and how sorry I am about screwing everything up (she gave me a part time job in her office and I tried to off myself for the second time which made it impossible for me to work for her) And I also just feel so guilty about being so dramatic and hard to work with. I was probably such an irritating client. It's that feeling that is making me not want to write her either. It's been two years since I've had any contact with her. And I feel sad.

I'm feeling extremely lonely right now. Sad and stuck.

I really need to buy running shoes. I have tomorrow off. So I might just do that, rev up my running mix and get cracking at getting my shit together. Fighting for something. I'm so great at hating myself. I wish I could put that on my resume.

Also side note. I feel surrounded by eating disorders. Seriously. Everywhere I look. Mainly at work. There is an ED clinic up the road so that accounts for the emaciated girls that come in buying produce or yogurts, but also...the people I work with. It's sad...and fucking scary. Two of the girls I just get really scared to talk to. I actually don't want to hear anything about their life because I know it will instantly trigger me to heavy restriction. But another girl who I've recently become "friends" with has kind of started hinting at a past ED. I'm an awful friend because I don't know how to have REAL conversations with people. I shut down or change the subject to something silly or dumb. Ugh. Don't know how to explain that but we hung out the other day and I found I was so exhausted by the end of it because I was trying to keep the conversation up and light and acquaintance-y and she was trying to move it to friendship level. Which I fail at. Anyways, we are going to a concert together next week and I'm just so nervous about this acquaintance progressing into a deeper friendship. Alrighty enough of that. Off to read some.