Day Before

I feel my mood draining. It's interesting to sit back and watch it. I'm starting to wonder when it WILL be necessary to bring up my reoccurring suicidal thoughts to this new therapist. I miss B.

 I'm craving my own apartment. I want to be sick in it. This is messed up...I KNOW. I have nothing new to say.

Tomorrow is the first. Best days of the year are on the first. I'm getting my scale (so I don't have to use the one upstairs), my new running jacket, and getting my playlist all set up. Sorry for the crappy update.

Sometimes I like to imagine...

Or really, it's probably quite delusional....but I see girls all around me on their computers here at the Starbucks, and I think....hmmm I wonder if they are blogging right now. I wonder if they are on PT right now. I have a bit of paranoia when it comes to people looking at me. I feel like they are staring. I like to imagine that they are trying to figure me out instead of thinking how horribly awful I look.

Trisha and I have moved to email only communication. Simply because I can't control my rage/outbursts/crying and depression sessions when thinking of her and Kat. So we just text and email. I miss her voice. I miss her cuddling me. I bought these journals for us the last time we hung out in Chicago at Anthropology. It's a 5 year journal and each day it asks you a simple question. Trisha and I have been emailing our answers to each other. It's been kind of nice. Honesty is so key at this really rocky time in our relationship so....I've been honest. She knows I've been struggling yet again with this bullshit. And this is the first time I've actually offered up that information up to her. I think she was thankful. Of course she wants me to talk to my therapist about it. Which I won't do. She would absolutely laugh and the lump sitting across the way from her.

I feel myself getting a little obsessive at the thought of weighing myself on Thursday. I want to limit my calorie intake again...to a number. Weigh once a week...............I don't know. We'll see. I have four days off in a row starting Saturday. I'm apartment hunting but honestly I'm most worried to have too much time on my hands. I'm going to go for a run in Seattle on Saturday morning and might head to the beach later on in the weekend. Yes, it's freakin' cold at the beach this time of year, but still beautiful. Pictures possibly :)

Also, any of you have a facebook?  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001264383019
I'm bored as hell.

Oh yeah.

I remembered why I stayed away from liquid diets. Because they end in not one binge, but five ca-trillion. Is ca-trillion a real number? If not, I'm making it one. I feel like a lump and it's my own fault. And I can't wait to MOVE THE FUCK OUT. Seriously. Empty cupboards, empty fridge, exercising whenever the hell I want to. To be honest it was the thanksgiving stuffing that did me in. My mom made it vegan so I had no excuse. And though I resisted it on the actual day there was no shutting out the whispers from the fridge last night....or the night before. Fuck stuffing.

Still weighing in on Thursday with what I'm sure will be dire results. I'm really hoping I land somewhere under 104. And that....if I can keep the binge monster under wraps for the next few days....should be doable. I'm getting my running playlist together today. And scheduling my runs for next week. I have wine night with Cassie on Friday night. Don't tell me how many calories are in wine. It's the one thing I don't feel guilty drinking...though I probably should. I need ONE indulgence.

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Elara! I'm so glad to have found another Sarah Waters fan! To be honest this isn't my favorite book of hers. I think Fingersmith or Tipping the Velvet were my tops :) But this one in interesting enough. So far it revolves around this family (Mother, brother, and sister and two maids) who live in this "haunted" house and is told from the point of view of the doctor who becomes a family friend but is mainly visiting for the brother's war injuries. I'm about half way through it and I don't really see any crazy twist coming, but Sarah is good at saving that right up until the end. I'll let you know if it's worth the read. Since we seem to have similar book tastes do you have any other suggestions? I'm reading The Hunger Games after this but hear those are a quick read.

...And a random book review.

Sorry I've been really crappy at commenting recently. I do read everyone's blogs that I'm subscribed to, I just don't know what to say most days. *shrug* This week I've been feeling a bit bummed out. Nothing to worry about, just sad. And I've been having these awful dreams about Trisha hating me, saying she never loved me. Last nights dream ended in me punching the shit out of bathroom tiles and then barfing up salad. It was quite intense.

I also feel quite large today. Yadda yadda...I know. It's weird. I stuck to liquids and soups Mon.-Wed. Then had a small bit of food for thanksgiving with Vitamin water zero...(I managed to actually get out of the big sit down dinner! Yay for work!) Probably didn't top 800 calories for the day. And I woke up feeling ginormous! I really can't wait until Dec. 1st when I start running. Yes, I could just start running tomorrow but it's not the 1st or a Monday and therefore against the rules.

Also, the friend that I made....that I talked about earlier? I need to give her a name here. Hmmm...I'm not too creative. Let's say Cassie. She's had eating issues in the past....use to be a ballerina and all so I'm not surprised. She asked if I'd ever had any "food issues" to which I responded "off and on. nothing serious." What the fuck is my deal. Here, the universe has placed this amazing person with which to confide in and I can't even do it. We talk openly and comfortably about cutting. And I think I don't have a problem with that because I don't do it anymore. But I'm actively participating in my weird eating behaviors and feel guilty. One because she is struggling and I certainly don't want to make it harder for her. Nor do I want to necessarily stop what I'm doing. Oh goodness. So that's life for the moment.

Also I'm reading a good book thought you should all know (god, I'm so interesting *sarcasm*) :

It's pretty good. She's probably my favorite author next to J.K. Rowling of course. If you like victorian mystery type things and aren't turned off by a little girl girl love (nothing excessive) you'd like her stuff. I recommend Affinity for sure. Why am I suddenly giving a book review? I don't know. I'm shutting up now.

Addicted to Liquids XD

Thank you for all the lovely comments. I made it back to Starbucks. I was in California for the last few days visiting the farm I interned at last year. It was beautiful. I miss all the animals from there terribly.

I successfully finished my solid food boycott on Saturday night when Trisha called (our anniversary). However, I've been contemplating continuing it with soups and things mixed in. It's so weird because after only eating liquids for awhile I had a minor binge when I got home (two peices of toast with earthbalance, a bowl of tomato soup and some pita chips) and it's the craziest feeling. My entire insides burst to life. My heart felt like it was trying to fly away. It felt like the blood was rushing through my veins and speeds I didn't know were possible. It was a lovely feeling. And that is addicting. I don't typically liquid fast because I know the weight just comes right back, but I felt so alive in that moment of binge. How sick is that. So I've been thinking I'll do liquids...including soups that may have noodly bits or lentils in them....and then once a week have a controlled small binge. Who knows what this will do for my waste line. Probably nothing. December starts my running regimen which I'm stoked for...yeah I used that word, I went there. I have a beautiful new green ipod and watch. I'm all set to bust some ass. It's going to be cold! But I have a $15 credit at the running store nearby so I'm going to go get a cute jacket.

Tattoo plans in the making. So pictures will be posted whenever I go do that. Probably before January sometime.

Ohhh and Tori Amos concert in December and Emilie Autumn in January. Still looking for a date to both. FYI. I will go alone but that is so sad :(

Wow...like a week later.

Hey...sorry for such the long delay. Let me explain that I'm living with my parents and they have a computer the size of a car so regardless of the fact that I don't dare take the chance of deleting history and such, I can't get onto my sites for fear they could read what I was writing from miles away. Anyways, my laptop is shotty. It only works in certain places....thank god this Starbucks being one of them. Sooooo I can't be on here as often as I like. Which is driving me mad. Had a couple binges this week but FEEL (my pants are looser) that I've lost a little even though I should get my period soon. TMI I know. I'm not weighing until December first. I know it's kind of arbitrary....but the first just feels good. I can't explain it any further than that.

I'm on all liquids as of yesterday and there is a little behind this. I, as I've mentioned on my old blog before, use food as a punishment to other people. I hope that it hurts them (logically knowing it only hurts me). When I get angry, I stop eating, when I want someone to hurt, I stop eating. So, that being said, Trisha and I stopped talking. I told her I just couldn't anymore. I realized I'd been carrying on an emotional relationship with her for the last two years and it's literally driving me insane. This is probably the worst idea ever since Trisha is the ONLY person I talk to in my life. Could be dangerous. So yes, I'm being self destructive in that sense. And I'm on liquids until she just can't take it anymore and calls me anyways. Until her heart can't stand the separation. I'm on a solid food boycott...for love. What...a....wacko. Meanwhile, I hope I crash and burn. I hope my heart explodes. Our "anniversary" is on Saturday.

In other news, and this is somewhat relevant. I met this girl at work and we've really hit it off....friendship wise, just so we are clear. (I'm going asexual...if "going asexual" is even possible....we'll save that for another blog). Anyways, we've been through SO many of the same things it's scary. But it is absolutely the most wonderful feeling in the world to have someone to talk to about shit. So yay! Maybe just having this person to talk to will allow me to move past Trisha.

Okie dokes....that's that. Sorry again for such a delay here. I'll try to find more time to hit up the Starbucks.

Lara Bars

Love'em. Very few ingredients and I know what all the ingredients are...which makes me happy.

Books.

So I'm sitting in the library because my computer sucks and it won't pick up the wireless at home. LAME. This blog is lame as well...I'm aware...and yet I don't really care. I'm too tired to give a shit.

Anyone want to do a bracelet exchange? I was thinking it'd be a fun way to get to know people a little better. Maybe a New Year's thing. Give us some time. I don't know. My brain is working funny these days. I started reading The Virgin Suicides again and was really eeked out by how it's written by horny teenage boys. I remembered liking that book so much when I first read it. Anyways, so I only made it half way through that one this time. I just finished up the Harry Potter series....again and am now looking for some other books. I just bought Anthem by Ayn Rand for $3.00, deal. But it's a short one, should be done with it soon. Suggestions?

Life today.

Let me expand a bit on my situation at the moment. Last I left off I was living in Wisconsin, with Trisha (my ex). I moved to California for a bit to complete an internship and then decided I needed to stay the hell away from Wisconsin. So I moved back to Washington, finally;  however, in with my parents. That last little bit is killing me. It's just to get on my feet. I have a job now and am able to start looking for apartments which I'm excited for. But I'm also a bit nervous. Will I self destruct on my own? Though my parents are in the dark about everything (my 2 hospital stays last year, the state of my arms, and my general eating weirdness) I think the presence of them keeps me sane...while driving me nuts all the same. If I had my choice and I was alone in the house I would have more freedom to completely self destruct. Knowing they are there and my need to protect them from my insanity keeps me from descending even deeper into this hole. So, naturally I'm a little nervous, though curious, how I would be in an apartment on my own.

Other things that are beyond stressing me out: I've never really been good at making friends. For the entire 6 years that Trisha and I were together she did all the friend making and I latched on and built it from there. Now, I find myself alone and desperate for some kind of human interaction (this is odd...I always thought myself to be perfectly content and happy without people in my life). So with work I've made a couple friends. I have my first big "friend date" coming up this week. A girl from work wants me to teach her to knit. I cannot explain the anxiety that has followed this invitation. I hate going to people's houses....how long is it appropriate to stay? (I don't read social cues all that well) What if I can't remember all the knitting stitches when we get together? God I'm a freak. Anyways, this is why online friends have always done me so much better. *sigh*

Sorry I don't have any fun pictures or anything...not feeling all too creative these days.

The dreaded scale.

First weigh in will be December. The scale will not rule me. Once a month weigh ins. I will stick to this.

A circle never ends.

This bitch is back. Not happy with myself. I seem to have fallen quite a ways since I've last been here....last deleted my blog, bound and god damn determined to be done with this shit. And yet, here I am again. I have a job now, so this blog won't be nearly as interesting as I won't have the time to update every day. I'll be checking in now to see how all you girls have been. I have missed you.

Not following a particular diet. About a week ago I noticed myself going to the grocery store to buy all my pre"diet" foods. Vegan pot stickers, chickn' nuggets, pizza....the works. Again, blindly, the next day I severely reduced my calorie intake and my next grocery trip I stood at the register realizing my basket was full of "safe" foods. I kind of woke up in the middle of that and realized what I was doing...where I was headed....again. Whatever. I don't feel like fighting this. I feel like this is less destructive than physically and outwardly injuring myself. Plus it's easier to hide and, to me, less embarrassing if discovered.  I'm in counseling with a new therapist...don't know how I feel about her yet. Not sure I want to talk about food issues with her. I miss B (my old therapist). Trisha is seeing her now that I moved back to Washington.

So that's the back story. Again, really missed you guys. I'm off to see how you all are. Hope these many months have been good to you :)