Suicidal Crossing Guard

So sorry for the rant and explosive swearing and death wishes. Welcome to the shitty side of my brain. Anyways...new day. New fucking day.

I've been in the pits since yesterday. Full on fogging out while driving to work (not good) or going completely suicidal in my head. It would be quite easy I always think. I'm wondering if driving is becoming too dangerous. Because, honestly....what IS stopping me from smashing into a guard rail? or a tree? or another car. The answer of course is ME. And that is scary. Me. I am the one who controls my life. I get to decide. When I was in 6th grade I was a crossing guard (one of those nerdy kids in the orange vest holding a "STOP" flag in front of cars to let people cross). The leader of the crossing guards was an adult and she would blow a whistle when we had to walk out in the road, but I always knew that it was my legs and my mind that made that decision. And I could...if I chose...walk out in front of a car that was not prepared to stop. I use to stand and obsess about that during those mornings. I could fling myself in front of traffic if I wanted to. And I'm not sure I wanted to at that age...but I thought about it a lot. It use to make me shake. Like I didn't trust myself. I DON'T trust myself, even now. Maybe that's the issue.

Anyways...wow that was depressing. I'm getting ready to go walk the pups and then go for a run. Then it's off to work. At least Sondra works today. Should make it a little better.

Fuck the EX.

Why. Why Why why why why!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I facebook stalk my ex? Seriously. It fucks with me every time. I partly think I do it on purpose. Not enough drama in my life...let's stir it up. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate THEM. I hate their stupid bed and breakfast and fucking brandi carlile. FUCK. I hope Kat dies. I hope she fucking dies. And I hope Trisha is happy with her slutty dead girl friend.

I hate my life. I hope I'm dead by September so I don't have to bother with them moving back. I can't take it. I can't handle seeing either one of them. Especially as a whale.

I seriously feel like I'm going to go all kamikaze on some shit right now. Know what I use to do when I felt like this? Rip the shit out of my arms and legs until I felt like a zombie. Until it wasn't me doing it anymore. What am I to do now?

Down Two.

I lost two pounds this week. Which is alright considering I was no where NEAR the amount of exercise I'd like to be at. This week I'm working on 700 cals. and burning 400 of those. And hoping to drop 2 more next week. I'd ideally like to be back to 100 by July 16th so I can really get down to business.

Walking down to the record store to get this tomorrow:

Here is some more Fiona <3

My Forest Dream Home

Yuck. I woke up late this morning. (yesterday morning as well) Meaning that is 3 days I didn't work out. I have to start getting ready for work soon. I know I'm tired today because I didn't eat a ton yesterday but now I feel like I really can't eat today because I didn't work out again. It's weird because I've debated doing just coffee and water today. If I'm to get my Starbucks, that's 150 calories. Liquids have always been less anxiety provoking. EVEN if they are higher in calories. I swear you could put all my meals in a blender and I'd probably feel fine.

Sondra and I skyped last night until the early morning (also why I am tired). We got into a slight argument because she said something like "I like to think that we are in a place where we tell each other everything..." I just smiled. What can I say, I like to have my secrets. It has nothing to do with her. I love her. But, there is...always has been...this power I get from having ONE thing, that is just mine. We let the issue rest but it's been on my mind. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest with her. After work we were talking and she said she could feel my hipbones...was I eating? was I throwing up? It's a big deal for her for me to eat with her. So I have been eating...for the most part, normally, just smaller portions. But normal food when we are together. "I just don't want you to get obsessive". "Are you doing okay"......wow that question. No, no I'm not doing okay. But I will survive. And when I won't, you will know. Okay this is going nowhere....moving on....

After that phone conversation I was feeling quite low. Just sick. Hating myself for doing what I'm doing, thinking the way, and acting the way I do, that I started thinking terrible things again. I find if I switch out "I want to die" with "I want to go live in the forest" it feels much better. I've been daydreaming about it in fact. And quite honestly if I didn't have any debt, I might actually do it. First check this place out (and then I will continue with my story)

And my favorite photo...the one that fuels most of the daydreams....

I want to live here. Alone. Completely alone. And never come in contact with another human being. I want to die here. I want to collapse of old age and have forest animals eat my body and the house to crumble around my bones. And I don't want anyone to ever know. If I lived here alone.... I think I could be happy. If I knew I would never have to speak to or see another single human again do you know what I would do? Probably eat and eat and eat. And be happy. I would curl up by that fire and read massive books and cook and walk through the woods. I would dress up in sparkles and dance naked outside....even if I was fat! Because the moon doesn't care. Animals don't care.

Where would you want to go to be all alone? What would you do? Do you think life would be better? Would you be happier?

You know you life is dull when....

You are excited because you bought you cat a different kind of cat food. Seriously. I was rushing home from work and I was thinking "Why am I in such a hurry? What am I so excited about?" Well I bought Willy new food to help with his weight and I also got him some wet food. I was excited to see if he liked it...it cost an arm and a leg so he better. And he LOVED it. I'm a loser.

WILLY. Best one eyed cat ever.

List of things to do...

I love losertown. The end. All I had to say about that really.

In other news...If I stick to 1000 cals a day with light to moderate exercise 3-5 times a week I should be at my UGW by September 1st. Excellent. At the moment I'm doing less than 1000 but it's good to know I have that cushion. Goal for Monday is 105. Though LTs projection is 106. Is today really Saturday? Time flies when you are restricting.

Things I need/want to do...that I probably won't:

1. Finish reading Bossypants
2. Start EA Asylum book and make it through without slashing myself to pieces
3. Start watching Game of Thrones....or start the books....(I'm taking suggestions on this one)
4. Go running at Green Lake
5. Find the specific ballet books recommended in class
6. Clean the carpets and find wall hangings
7. Find new leashes for the pups
8. Make lentil rice stuff and section off into 200cal containers for the week
9. Drop stuff of at the goodwill
10. Pay bills
11. Laundry
12. Job hunt
13. Burn Garbage CD for friend at work
14. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower out loud to Sondra (she has never read it and I want to see the movie when it comes out!)
15. Look into some light volunteer work
16. Figure out travel schedule for August

Wow....pardon the dull post. Basically just needed to organize my head. Have a place I could come back to in order to see what I have or have not accomplished. I only have one day off this week so getting it all done is going to mean early mornings.

Mia Kirshner Love

I've been meandering around PT and lurking...which after being a member for so long, is NOT my style. I've read some interesting posts that I would absolutely love to reply and contribute to but every time I go to type something nothing appears. It's infuriating.

Had a bit of a stressful morning. They were having some kind of small dog meetup when I took Emmett to go running and he flipped out. He is not agrressive but he is super anxious and just barks. Once we walk up to the dogs he is fine, sniffs and is calm. Well he came around this corner after already seeing several dogs on the walk up to the park and this woman was standing there. Honestly he wasn't freaking out that bad...a few barks, nothing major. And she was telling him to shut up. I didn't hear her because I had my ipod in. I took it out because I thought she was talking to me. She said "I was telling your dog to be quiet. Dogs like me. Dogs never bark at me." She said this all with scowl on her face. I replied "Oh, sorry, he pretty much barks at everyone until you pet him...just his way of saying hi I suppose *nervous laugh*" She just bitch glared at me. Put me in such a state. I'm already paranoid about Emmett's behavior and barking...and then to get scolded....made me feel terrible. Then I got angry. I was imagining beating the shit out of this woman. My brain scares me sometimes.

Anyways, onto happier things. Been in a Mia Kirshner mood again. When am I not actually? I need to get The L Word back from Sondra. Thinking about watching New Best Friend again tonight because I think I saw it on youtube. Thought I'd share some of my favorite photos:

Might blog later tonight depending on how I'm feeling. Hope everyone has a wonderful day! 

Animals and Ultimate Goal Weights.

Well, I'm up early. Which is a good thing. I plan on getting my run in and walking the dogs and doing my stretches. I highly doubt I will be able to do the splits in a month but I am noticing improvement in my flexibility after only 3 days of twice a day stretching.

Yesterdays intake was alright. My usual coffee, a nectarine, banana and soup. Today's scheduled intake was a lentil and rice concoction that I was going to make and soup. I'm altering it a bit though because I don't want to make the lentils too early in the week. My fridge already looks too full and I don't want anything to go bad. I have several tomatoes, nectarines, spinach, and hummus that I need to finish up before cooking anything. So today, before work....some piece of fruit. Lunch at work: soup. And if necessary when I get home hummus and veggies. Though I'd like to do without.

Trisha is probably coming to visit in September. Bring on the obsessive and unattainable UGW. I have 3 months to drop a good 15 pounds. Really I'd just like my heart to stop in the process. Do you know what I've realized? Fucking with food is my plan B....always. I feel right now, despite how amazing things are going with Sondra, I will never be happy in a committed relationship with kids and the perfect house and job and blah blah blah. I will also never be happy having the lame ass job I have, being single, and living a lonely life. Will being skinny make me happy? No. Nothing will make me happy. There is something wrong with my brain. I think I was born to be miserable. And while being skinny won't make me happy I feel it's the one thing I can hold over people's heads. I see pictures on facebook of my friends from HighSchool who are married and have 3 kids and such and think to myself "Fuck....they got fat" (yes, I'm an awful person). But it seems to overshadow the fact that they have a "perfect" life and I....well don't. So if I can just have this one thing. If I can look at them and say "Well, at least I weigh less than I did in High School you beluga whale" (That really is an unintentional insult to beluga whales...they are gorgeous creatures...included a picture to prove it) then everything is okay. It's alright that my life sucks. Wow. Ever just type without thinking? I'm such a horrible person. I really am.

Anyways, this got my brain going. I hate using animals as insults. I do it all the time. Like most people. Why is it that we compare ugly, huge things to these beautiful, amazing, beings?

I love cows. Seriously love them. I want to hug this one. Being called a cow should be a compliment.

Prettythin users out there....anyone having problems posting in the forums? I hit the reply button and start to type but nothing shows up. It's really fucking annoying. 

When I hit 100 again I'll be posting my first vlog. Nothing to get too excited about but it gives me a goal to shoot for. Will probably be around the end of July.

Don't Fuck Up.

Somewhat freaking out...a little. I was at Sondra's house doing laundry last night so she made it to my place before I did. I told her to go in and let the pups out and I would meet her there when I was done. I knew I had some papers laying about that were slightly obsessive in nature. Mainly my exercise routine and food plan, but they were kind of covered so I wasn't that worried. I'd completely forgotten I'd left the scale out in the open (I'd had it hiding the last month or so because I didn't want to weigh myself). Anyways, that's not what concerns me. She wanted to use the computer so I said it was fine but I think when she checked her gmail I was still logged under this account. Ugh. I feel slightly sick. I'm afraid she will find this blog. There isn't really anything discussed here that she doesn't already know about...it's just more detailed. And I'd rather my craziness be kept to myself or here. Fuck fuck fuck. Ugh.

Moving on. Sondra has some beautifully depressing books at her house as well. I usually refrain from flipping through them while she is there but I had the house all to myself yesterday so I looked at one that has had my eye for the last month or so. THIN. This book has some really brilliant photography of girls on an Eating Disorder Unit. It was kind of depressing and I actually broke down in tears at two of the pictures. Ugh. It definitely put me in a state...as I knew it would. I really need to practice self restraint.

I do not want to fuck up. What that means I don't know. It's just what I feel. Every time I hear my heart beat, breathe, walk...."don't fuck up, don't fuck up". I don't want to fuck up in the sense that I want to be healthy. I WANT to have a balance of eating and exercise that is NORMAL. I want to have something that tastes good and not feel it blob onto me. I want to see myself as beautiful. However; "don't fuck up" also means....DON'T GET FAT. Whatever you do. Don't look at old pictures of yourself and regret what you have become. Don't get the family ass....and rid yourself from any starting signs of it.

I didn't run today. I'm suppose to have a PB&J and soup but I think since I didn't run I will just stick to the soup. Maybe a piece of fruit.
------------------------------------------
Also....Outdoor Junkie the specific doll meetup that I went to was for collectors of Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. They are pretty amazing. A lot of photographers and artists get into them because they are so customizable. The meetup went really well and I actually feel like I made a few future friends...possibly :) We just met at a Starbucks and brought our dolls....wow this is sounding incredibly nerdy when I explain it. Uhhh so yeah. We just met up, had coffee and got to know one another.

I Wuv Fiona Apple.

*sigh* Only a few more days until the new Fiona Apple CD comes out. She got super skinny...she was already. But...daaaaaaammmmnnn. This video will give me nightmares.

The "I'm Too Broke to Eat Anyways" Diet

Yep. I've coined it. Here's what you need $25 a week. That's it. Live off it. You'll be skinny in no time. I'm actually trying to be healthy these days. Somewhat. My meals are planned out for this week. They involve hummus, carrots, cucumbers, broth, soup, lentils and rice and....wait for it....PBandJ (hear that? yes...it's my thunder thighs comin' to town) Really, I'll be having one of those every couple days or so and I decided since I'm upping my running it's kind of okay.....argh. No.....no it's not. I feel guilty and I haven't even EATEN the sandwich yet. Just writing it on my schedule made me feel disgusting. I want to be up to 6 miles a day again in a couple of weeks. I run 3 today and should be consistently at 6 by next Monday.

It's tricky hanging out with Sondra. She takes everything so personally. If I'm restricting even slightly she refuses to eat around me. Makes me sad because I want to hang out with her. I just don't want to have pizza and cookies and all the shitty food that I always want to eat when I'm in love. Yes...I have romance foods...and it's pretty sad that cookies and pizza are it for me :P

The recital was really nice on Saturday. I met Sondra's family and all her old dance friends which was so scary. It was like social overload for me. But I survived. Her Grandpa was actually quite nice and I really enjoy her family. They are all like her. I was laughing a lot of the time. I've really actually enjoyed being in this relationship...that sounds funny...but we are starting to get to this point where we can be completely silly in front of each other. It's so refreshing. I LOVE laughing with her (best laugh ever). Gah, okay, I'm done being all mushy.

I'm off to a doll meetup. Yes I'm that nerdy. I'm so nervous, I've never met any of these people and it's at a Starbucks. But I'm also pretty excited because I've wanted to get more involved in the doll hobby community and this is a great way to do it. Still.....nervous.

Anyways, this is my doll Melora....nice collar bones eh? ;)

Happy Thursday

Lalalalala. <----- I felt like singing. Don't judge. I don't have a whole lot to say but I'm trying to be good and post once a day. Ohhhhh I rhymed! Geez I feel all spazzy. I have to go into work today...yuck. Paying my bills is going to be interesting this month. Get ready for the ride.

Saturday I'm going with Sondra to her sister's dance recital. I'm so fucking nervous. Two main reasons. 1. I don't know what to wear. Yeah, not a big deal but it is. This will be the first time I'm meeting a lot of her extended family and I want to make a good impression. 2. Her grandparents don't know she's a lesbian hahah....and I will be living proof of that fact since we are going as dates. And while I adamantly HATE public displays of affection I'm sure we will be holding hands....deal with it old folks!

In other news: Pride is coming up which I'm hoping I got off for work and then on the 28th my mom bought tickets to Les Miserables. My favorite musical ever. I'm so excited!

So, it should be a busy month. I watched my Vitamix video yesterday and feel a little more comfortable with the thought of using it. Monday will be the day.

Ohhhh! Random goal I set for myself. I want to be able to do the splits. That sounds stupid doesn't it? Oh well, I do. I use to have dreams when I was younger that I could do the splits. I found this site (I swear you can learn to do anything on Google)  How to Do the Splits so I'm going to do those stretches twice a day for a month and see where it gets me. I figure it will help with ballet anyways, just to be more flexible and it's a fun little challenge. Feel free to join if any of you out there are weirdos like me and have wanted to but were unable to do the splits :) I'm starting on Monday, as all accomplished goals begin on Monday.

"Sick" Day

I went into work yesterday only to stay for 40 minutes and go home sick. I have been feeling super off this last week and then started to feel like I was getting a migraine, felt very very dizzy and nauseous. Turns out it was epic period time. Anyways, so I stayed home and pretty much did nothing. Snuggled with my pups and cat, watched Venus in transition (which was pretty cool since I'm a closeted science geek!), watched "Stranger than Fiction" (why didn't this movie get better reviews!? It was the second time I saw it and I loved it even more!), read "Bossypants" by Tina Fey, and curled into the fetal position every couple hours when I got pregnant cramps (you know the ones...they feel like what I would imagine, very tame, contractions to feel like). And I called out again today. Probably a really stupid move for my bank account but I'm still not feeling 100% and the thought of going in and having to smile at everyone is slightly exhausting and I'm pretty sure I'd end up vomiting on a customer. So, instead I shall rest up in my bed again, maybe clean, watch my vitamix dvd for some inspiration, maybe break open my new big box of crayons, and drink coffee out of my Harry Potter mug because it makes me happy.

Anyone going to see "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" when it comes out? I'm getting pretty excited for it and feel I need to read the book again before I go. I read it a long time ago.

Anyways....things I've been obsessing over. I have a list...but at the top of that list is something gruesome. I feel sick for even choosing to put my mind in this place, but I need to talk about it. You guys I'm sure have heard of the porn star in Canada who chopped up his boyfriend and mailed the pieces to different places?  I am seriously disgustingly obsessed with learning more about it. The entire story terrifies and disgusts me, but I can't stop. The worst part is, there is video of him committing this crime. I haven't watched it...yet. Why I feel the need to watch it I don't know. I'm resisting watching it like I resist the urge to cut or burn. Seriously, that is how I feel. I sit and load it on my computer and I hover over the play button. I think I know it will fuck me up and plunge me even deeper into wherever the hell I'm headed right now. So I'm trying NOT to watch it but this story invades my thoughts. I wonder how any human could do that to someone else. How does that happen? It scares me that as humans there is only a .01% DNA difference from person to person....what is it that makes that guy different from me? Or the person I walk next to on the sidewalk? Or the doctor I let operate on me? Or the people I love? Or the people who love me? It freaks me out...and yet fascinates me at the same time. Sondra says I'm getting obsessed about this and refuses to partake in conversation about it. I really wanted her to look at the pictures of him online. He is a beautiful human being. Ascetically speaking. And I find myself asking why I was hoping he looked like a monster. Why does it bother me so much that he is handsome? I think it's because there is no way to tell a monster from a good person. They all look the same. *sigh* sorry for the random thoughts... just been in my mind all week.

Happy thoughts Happy thoughts. Trying to think happy thoughts. Ummmmmm....let's see.... Well, I'm sucking at this. I'll get back to you...

Many The Miles

Sara Bareilles seems to make life better...always. It's cliche to say shit like "such and such artist's music saved my life" or "music is life" and I'm not necessarily claiming that. What I am saying is that her music seems to always put things into perspective for me. It makes me breathe a little. Calm down a bit. Find things I appreciate instead of always focusing on the negative. After the second failure, when I got home from the hospital I felt absolutely empty. Empty even of despair. I felt like all feeling had left my body. I felt more suicidal than ever but too exhausted and disappointed in myself to dare try for a third time. I remember shortly after I bought tickets to see Sara B with my brother in California before heading home for Christmas. I had no job. Really no money to be buying tickets like that but I did. And it was well worth the purchase. I remember when she played "Many the Miles" it felt like all the background noise stopped for a second and all I heard were these lyrics:

There're too many things I haven't done yet

Too many sunsets

I haven't seen

You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You would have thought by now

I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl

I've been given this one world

I won't worry it away

But now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light

But then love comes in

Despite the fact that I'd heard that song numerous times over the last year, it wasn't until the live performance that I actually got it. Felt it. I don't really know exactly why I'm reminicing over this at the moment. Perhaps it's the fact that I watched the Live at the Fillmore DVD last night or have just had an overall bad attitude for the past few months and I'm tired of feeling sad, and angry and disappointed. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. This freaks me out (hence the capital letters) I am a college graduate. Working at a grocery store...where I daily do everything but wipe the customer's asses. I HATE IT. I HATE MY LIFE. But I feel hopeless and helpless in changing anything because I am 28 and I still have no clue what I want to do when I "grow up". Anyways, so I guess I'm trying to take a little Sara B happy pill here...Sara B therapy if you will. So I thought I'd share those lyrics.

In other news. I bought a vitamix. In an attempt to be healthy. I haven't used it yet. I bought it almost 2 weeks ago. It's beautiful but I'm slightly intimidated by it. I'm hoping by next Monday I can get cracking. It is going to make a raw diet so much easier. 

Sondra and I celebrate our 6 month anniversary at the end of the month. We are going to see RENT. We are also going to be taking queer tango classes! I'm so excited for this! I've wanted to learn to tango SINCE hearing "Tango Maureen" in RENT...so it's perfect! And she is excited to do this too which in turn makes me even more excited that she is totally game and wasn't all "that's a lame idea but I'll take the class with you because I love you" haha. I graduated from Very Beginning Ballet to Beginning Ballet today :) Woohoo! Learning pirouettes now! Lol...I feel like a geek taking ballet classes but it's so much fun and a really good workout. This beginning class is only 4 weeks and then I go to Beginning/Intermediate Ahhh! Will also be joining in on a few Ball Joint Doll meetups this month. Anyone else here a collector? I'd say overall...despite this pseudo, lame ass depressive bit I've had going for the last few months, I'm pushing myself to be social and hangout outside of the apartment a little. Yay go me :)

I also need some more blogs to follow. If anyone has some good suggestions please respond below :) Also, is anyone else interested in doing vlogs? I set up a place to do private vlogs but I have yet to do any. Or does anyone know of an ed related vlog community? Sorry for this super long post.

<3 Jade