Don't Fuck Up.

Somewhat freaking out...a little. I was at Sondra's house doing laundry last night so she made it to my place before I did. I told her to go in and let the pups out and I would meet her there when I was done. I knew I had some papers laying about that were slightly obsessive in nature. Mainly my exercise routine and food plan, but they were kind of covered so I wasn't that worried. I'd completely forgotten I'd left the scale out in the open (I'd had it hiding the last month or so because I didn't want to weigh myself). Anyways, that's not what concerns me. She wanted to use the computer so I said it was fine but I think when she checked her gmail I was still logged under this account. Ugh. I feel slightly sick. I'm afraid she will find this blog. There isn't really anything discussed here that she doesn't already know about...it's just more detailed. And I'd rather my craziness be kept to myself or here. Fuck fuck fuck. Ugh.

Moving on. Sondra has some beautifully depressing books at her house as well. I usually refrain from flipping through them while she is there but I had the house all to myself yesterday so I looked at one that has had my eye for the last month or so. THIN. This book has some really brilliant photography of girls on an Eating Disorder Unit. It was kind of depressing and I actually broke down in tears at two of the pictures. Ugh. It definitely put me in a state...as I knew it would. I really need to practice self restraint.

I do not want to fuck up. What that means I don't know. It's just what I feel. Every time I hear my heart beat, breathe, walk...."don't fuck up, don't fuck up". I don't want to fuck up in the sense that I want to be healthy. I WANT to have a balance of eating and exercise that is NORMAL. I want to have something that tastes good and not feel it blob onto me. I want to see myself as beautiful. However; "don't fuck up" also means....DON'T GET FAT. Whatever you do. Don't look at old pictures of yourself and regret what you have become. Don't get the family ass....and rid yourself from any starting signs of it.

I didn't run today. I'm suppose to have a PB&J and soup but I think since I didn't run I will just stick to the soup. Maybe a piece of fruit.
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Also....Outdoor Junkie the specific doll meetup that I went to was for collectors of Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. They are pretty amazing. A lot of photographers and artists get into them because they are so customizable. The meetup went really well and I actually feel like I made a few future friends...possibly :) We just met at a Starbucks and brought our dolls....wow this is sounding incredibly nerdy when I explain it. Uhhh so yeah. We just met up, had coffee and got to know one another.