So sorry for the rant and explosive swearing and death wishes. Welcome to the shitty side of my brain. Anyways...new day. New fucking day.
I've been in the pits since yesterday. Full on fogging out while driving to work (not good) or going completely suicidal in my head. It would be quite easy I always think. I'm wondering if driving is becoming too dangerous. Because, honestly....what IS stopping me from smashing into a guard rail? or a tree? or another car. The answer of course is ME. And that is scary. Me. I am the one who controls my life. I get to decide. When I was in 6th grade I was a crossing guard (one of those nerdy kids in the orange vest holding a "STOP" flag in front of cars to let people cross). The leader of the crossing guards was an adult and she would blow a whistle when we had to walk out in the road, but I always knew that it was my legs and my mind that made that decision. And I could...if I chose...walk out in front of a car that was not prepared to stop. I use to stand and obsess about that during those mornings. I could fling myself in front of traffic if I wanted to. And I'm not sure I wanted to at that age...but I thought about it a lot. It use to make me shake. Like I didn't trust myself. I DON'T trust myself, even now. Maybe that's the issue.
Anyways...wow that was depressing. I'm getting ready to go walk the pups and then go for a run. Then it's off to work. At least Sondra works today. Should make it a little better.
Sorry to hear you've been in the pits:( I can relate, as you read in my super depressing post from yesterday. I sometimes feel like I'm on the brink of suicide, and I don't trust myself either, I think that's why I constantly keep the company of my gf around me. You're important though, so don't do anything stupid. Every time I think suicidal thoughts I think about my gf, my family, my possible good future. Hope today was better for you!
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