My Forest Dream Home

Yuck. I woke up late this morning. (yesterday morning as well) Meaning that is 3 days I didn't work out. I have to start getting ready for work soon. I know I'm tired today because I didn't eat a ton yesterday but now I feel like I really can't eat today because I didn't work out again. It's weird because I've debated doing just coffee and water today. If I'm to get my Starbucks, that's 150 calories. Liquids have always been less anxiety provoking. EVEN if they are higher in calories. I swear you could put all my meals in a blender and I'd probably feel fine.

Sondra and I skyped last night until the early morning (also why I am tired). We got into a slight argument because she said something like "I like to think that we are in a place where we tell each other everything..." I just smiled. What can I say, I like to have my secrets. It has nothing to do with her. I love her. But, there is...always has been...this power I get from having ONE thing, that is just mine. We let the issue rest but it's been on my mind. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest with her. After work we were talking and she said she could feel my hipbones...was I eating? was I throwing up? It's a big deal for her for me to eat with her. So I have been eating...for the most part, normally, just smaller portions. But normal food when we are together. "I just don't want you to get obsessive". "Are you doing okay"......wow that question. No, no I'm not doing okay. But I will survive. And when I won't, you will know. Okay this is going nowhere....moving on....

After that phone conversation I was feeling quite low. Just sick. Hating myself for doing what I'm doing, thinking the way, and acting the way I do, that I started thinking terrible things again. I find if I switch out "I want to die" with "I want to go live in the forest" it feels much better. I've been daydreaming about it in fact. And quite honestly if I didn't have any debt, I might actually do it. First check this place out (and then I will continue with my story)

And my favorite photo...the one that fuels most of the daydreams....

I want to live here. Alone. Completely alone. And never come in contact with another human being. I want to die here. I want to collapse of old age and have forest animals eat my body and the house to crumble around my bones. And I don't want anyone to ever know. If I lived here alone.... I think I could be happy. If I knew I would never have to speak to or see another single human again do you know what I would do? Probably eat and eat and eat. And be happy. I would curl up by that fire and read massive books and cook and walk through the woods. I would dress up in sparkles and dance naked outside....even if I was fat! Because the moon doesn't care. Animals don't care.

Where would you want to go to be all alone? What would you do? Do you think life would be better? Would you be happier?