Bummer Mood.

Hello everyone. This is not going to be a happy post. I'm rather down and I'm down that I'm down. If that makes any sense. I've been stuffing my face since my 10 miler. And I'm not even hungry. It's disgusting. I've been closing my eyes when I go to the bathroom because I can't look at my legs. I can't face the mirror and showers are tricky. I feel all wobbly and sick. But that's not what I came to type about.

I had the shittiest day yesterday. I actually think....god I don't even want to type it out :'( I cannot cry in a Starbucks...ugh. I think Trisha and I...might be done. I am an asshole. I AM a verbal abuser. I've cut her down to nothing. Made sure she will never want me back. And I don't know why. I WILL be alone. I have no life without her. I'm sad and terrified. I feel myself slipping. It's scaring me. I want an apartment so I can come home from work and drown myself in vodka and sleeping pills....not to even die. Just not to feel. I took a few sleeping pills yesterday after my parents went to sleep. And then I had to drag myself to therapy. Which I HATE this new therapist. Today was the first time I mentioned the cutting and she seemed to think I did it to get attention from Trisha...umm excuse me? I've been cutting for 11 years, before I even knew Trisha, and Trisha didn't even know when I cut most times. Whatever. I miss B so much, it hurts. I went and looked at her therapy webpage today. Yeah I'm stalking my old therapist. Really, I just wanted to see her. I wish I could email her but I'm too afraid. There is nothing she can do for me now. She hired someone else in her office, so it looks like things are going really well for her :( I miss talking to her. I miss her being nice to me. She has a facebook and I want to add her....but don't want to at the same time. I'm rambling.

In other news, I'm sitting at a Starbucks outside the Paramont Theater in Seattle waiting to see Tori Amos....by myself (can we say loser?) I don't care. I really wanted to see her.

Anyways, thank you again for all your comments. I wish I could have upheld the awesomeness that was inspired by that 10 mile run by not bingeing. I hope I didn't let you all down. Getting my shit together on Friday.