Email fight with Trisha last night. Which is entirely one sided since she never responds to me. Went out with my college friends. Left feeling ugly and inadequate. I love them, I really do. It's my own insecurities that stops me from enjoying myself. One of the girls was my roommate my freshman year. We use to restrict silently together and then binge big time on the weekends (think bags of chips, cookies...the works, spread all over the dorm room). While she'd head to the bathroom to barf or use laxatives, I'd sit on my bed crying. Slice open my arms. And go to the gym. We never talked about any of this. It was just something we did. She is now a mother of two, with one on the way. Beautiful....model gorgeous. The other two girls? One just graduated law school, the other a successful real estate agent. Have I mentioned they are all beautiful? And then there is me. I have no fashion sense, so even if I wasn't short and weird looking....it would mean nothing. I hang out with them and I'm reminded how gross I am. Anyways, it was Olive Garden as I mentioned before. Everyone made a HUGE fucking deal that I was just having wine despite the fact that I have, on numerous occasions, said there is NOTHING there I can eat. The dumb ass waitress tried to tell me that the Alfredo was vegan. I TRUST NO ONE....simply because they are all RETARDED! So, I got away yesterday with my latte and two glasses of white wine. And felt lovely. I made a "fake dinner" and threw it out before I left. What a fucking thrill. There is something wrong with me. Secrets make me strong.
So, since I had nothing yesterday (I don't count alcohols or my latte) I ran my one mile. I think I injured my knee slightly on my 5 mile so today was a little difficult. I was kind of gimping through the park. Whatever.
How depressed I am can always be determined by my bill at Half Priced Books. In the last week and a half I've spent over $150. And I can't even start any of the new books I got because I'm STILL trying to work through "The Little Stranger"....which is a STUPID, boring book. I bought "Winter Girls"...I'm slightly embarrassed but I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there and it was only $4. I also got some Faery books. Cassie taught me how to read tarot cards at the last wine night so I've been working with my Faery Oracle Cards I've had for years and never used. It's been fun. That card I pulled last night when asking whether this thing with me and Trisha is meant to be. It signifies being open to love without conditions. It was upside down though so it can be interpreted as being unable to love others until the self is loved. Oh, faery oracle....you know me so well! Hahah!I'm not going to the beach today. Mainly because it was just a chore to get out of bed. And I just want to chill today and not drive all over timbucktwo. Depending on the number Monday I may do pictures or a vlog....Ohhhh exciting! Hahha not really, but I think it'd be fun. I've enjoyed it in the past when some of you girls have done them.
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Also....does anyone know why it doesn't show my followers on the side? It says I have none, but I know I have 10. :(
hope things work out with you and trisha :)
ReplyDeleteim sure you are just as beautiful as the rest of them! :)
id love to have someone like that who restricted and binged too, but it would be strange too :P
well done on not eating :)
ooo pictures or vlog? how about both? ;)
have a good relaxing day :)
lottie x
I hope things are ok with you and Trisha now >< Well done for yesterday, i love faeries too, so so interesting... xx
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