Christmas Eve Insomnia

I have been up all night. Not one bit of sleep. Literally staring at a wall until 3:30am then emailed Lyndsey (This is Cassie's new agreed upon name) my rambly late night thoughts and now I'm sitting here at Starbucks wondering how I'm going to make it through this day. I only slept 1.5 hours the night before. Hip bones are here. Finally. And the thigh gap is almost back. Parents are suspicious but hide suspicion by just buying foods that I eventually give in and binge on at odd hours of the night. I know they hear me. Binging makes me feel disgusting....even more so when people know what I'm doing. Need apartment. Also need a treadmill because it's getting fucking cold!

Lyndsey and I are talking after work tonight. It's been planned out. We usually do talk after work whenever we close together. We have sat in the parking lot for hours...literally 5 hours once, just talking. But this conversation will revolve around what's happening. I love that our minds are so similar because we have sat and obsessed over something that I think we both think is starting but both of us are too shy to do anything about. *sigh* Anyways, I'm nervous to start anything too serious with her. I like her, I do. But I'm not sure I want to be back in a relationship right now. Hmm...more on that convo later.

Onto food. The scale is starting to rule me a bit...which is fucking obnoxious. I have been weighing twice a day. No more. Despite the major binge fest, my mom's scale says 96.5 which I think means my scale would say 98.5 so I didn't gain but things must be shifting since my hip bones are here....my scale is stuck downstairs in grandma's bathroom and I haven't been able to get to it yet. I WILL get it by Monday for accuracy's sake. I've been allowing solid foods here and there but like to keep to liquids most days. As I mentioned I'm very loosely following ABC. Only in that I'm back on counting calories (another shitty sign that I'm obsessing) and alternating anywhere between 100-500 cals. and never above 800....unless it's binge day. In which case I run.  Run away from the calories and from the jiggles and the ass.

I was writing in my journal the other day and I said something that actually made me stop and think for a second.... "It's not okay to be sad unless I'm sick." I can't stand the thought of being alone in my depression. Of JUST being depressed. I AM sad....I don't really know why...but I am. And that isn't enough. That alone isn't right. When I screw with my eating, when I cut, it's so much better....it's manageable. It's OKAY. It validates the sadness. Anyways, I've been thinking about this more and more. I don't know what it means.

I've been doing this thing in my car. I know a lot of you love music as well so maybe you can relate. I've kind of been on a pop music run right now. So I just keep on the local radio station here that plays that stuff, but when something awesome comes on, say a little Lady Gaga or *gasp* Selena Gomez (god that is embarrassing to admit) I turn it up loud....not loud, but really LOUD....like it almost hurts. The music feels like a big blanket, just vibrating through the car. And my heart beats to it. It feels amazing. It's a guaranteed way to shut my head off sometimes. And since my head is constantly going on the way to work this has been really helpful. Anyways, that was kind of a random share. Lol....I'm definitely sleep deprived.

Hope you all have good weekends and holidays. I will be back to report life probably on Wednesday. I'm going to try to go comment and catch up! :)