Go Away Emotions.

Hello dears.

My insides and head are filled with so much emotion I don't really know what to do with it right now. This is highly uncomfortable. I can't really categorize my feelings, which is stressful and I feel I'm kind of panicking/ floating on air. Oh so where to begin.

1. Cassie and I had our wine night (I need to change her name on here again...apparently she hates the name Cassie hahah!)
2. We ended up cuddling...and it was really nice. We talked about it before the next wine night...or texted about it.
3. Well this most recent wine night we cuddled more...and having had talked about it, it was even nicer.
4. We woke up this morning and stayed in bed, awake and talking and cuddling for a good 2 hours. Let me say that the entire night before I was wanting to kiss her. But I'm too shy and wasn't nearly drunk enough to make the first move. In the morning she rolled over and kissed me on the cheek which was sweet. And then...she ALMOST kissed me on the lips, but pulled away. I texted her later today about it which she was really glad about. But now I'm frightened things are going to get awkward. I told her I definitely wouldn't have minded if she followed through with the kiss.

So I've got some  happy things going on there....I think. It actually just feels nice to have someone I can openly talk to about a lot of stuff and be physically close with. Because I don't touch a lot of people and I don't let a lot of people touch me. Not having Trisha, I've been feeling like I've actually been getting depressed from lack of touch.

I also spilled my guts about food to her. Which I hate. I was NOT going to do that, but she kept asking. And there is no reason not to trust her. I just worry that she will 1. Be triggered by my shit or 2. Worry, which I DEFINITELY don't want and I also don't want her to be watching me so closely. It makes me nervous, her knowing that I have "issues" and to know that she is now watching those issues. Ahhh, I can't explain.

So where does Trisha fit into all this? I don't know. Hence the constant freak out in my head. I'm not in love with Cassie. I'm not even sure I'm in lust with Cassie. I just like what's happening. I still desire a future with Trisha, kids a house. Everything. God I don't know.

I semi started ABCin' it recently, though I kind of have my own rules. I've started running again too. Weigh in on Monday. Though I'm freaking out about that. Also, I had to move my stuff upstairs because Grandma is coming to visit ('tis the season). I have to share a bathroom with my mom. Good bye comfortable weigh ins. I'm going to have to sneak. Which I hate.

More on the social and starving life later. Missed you girls.