January's horizon

Last weeks discussion: My fear of going upstairs and all it entails. Mainly we talked about my social skills. Like how I don't understand when a conversation is over, or how to end it myself. And how I leave the "ending a conversation" up to someone else. It felt kind of like a "fluff" therapy session. Which I'm fine with. The last 2 weeks have been too intense anyways. So next week she is gone...so I won't see her for another couple weeks. Again, I'm kind of glad for the break.

Other things to note. January is coming. I like setting goals and being organized...and I tend to go overboard and obsess here. This year is no different. I feel the food demons scratching their way up my back again. I did so well this year. I remained very neutral when it came to food. I didn't starve and I didn't over stuff myself. And I don't miss that. I don't miss being hungry and hurting or having a massive food baby and feeling suicidal because I fucking ate. I honestly 100% do not miss that. And yet, I find myself really missing my organization, my planning, my routine, things that are mine, secrets. When I decided to really try this shit out and "set aside" my food issues, my obsessive planning also went along with it and I don't like that. Especially right now. I'm feeling so out of my element. I see January on the horizon and I keep thinking about an organized fridge with portioned meals. I start thinking...maybe I can do this right? Maybe I can be obsessive and still be healthy? Maybe I can be "obsessive" (I need a better word because that sounds so negative) and calorie count in a healthy way? Meh...that's where my head has been. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even craving thin...I want to be healthy...I just want...something different than I have now? I feel like I eat without thinking and it's unsettling when I sit back after a meal and realize that.

This blog makes me sound like a drama queen...

So, after ignoring my therapist's 2 phone calls she left a message. Very sweet really. About how she said she understood I was probably feeling frustrated, and if that was the case to please come back in so we could talk about it. She said this is probably the point in which I usually give up on myself and others...and really encouraged me not to let this be another area I give up in.

I was really upset when I got this message. I couldn't concentrate on any of my homework and I was just irritated. I had made a decision and all I needed from her was an "okay..I'm leaving you alone now"...but she didn't do that...she instead told me she would hold my Friday appointment open and I could still decide. I was upset at having to make this decision over again. I talked to Sondra who of course super encouraged me to go back in as well. I also felt the need to go in and just YELL! Like....I AM NOT GIVING UP! That is not what this is! I was also afraid of the impending awkward that would follow me to therapy.

Long story short...I went back. I made Sondra sit in the waiting room.

When I got in we talked about how I felt like she didn't want me there anymore. And how I felt like being in therapy for someone else wasn't a problem and I didn't understand why it was an issue. We talked about her discomfort with my desire for her to push me in therapy. I completely understand her reasoning now. It is this: I push myself in my head to do things I don't want to, verbally abusing myself to get shit done....therapy is one of those things I push myself to do because I know it will benefit Sondra and my relationship. She said she cannot align herself with the abusive side of me. And to push me to do something I don't want to do...is aligning with that...putting her in an ethical tough spot. So we agreed that I can find reasons that I want to be there. Just for me. And I can tell myself I am going to make myself a better person for myself. Reasons I want to go to therapy. To work on my anxiety, get better and making and keeping friends. That's what I have so far.

Blah...so it feels like this is going to be an uphill battle...but I am ultimately glad that I went back. She said she is on my side...fighting for me. And that sometimes this discussion of frustration between client and therapist can be really beneficial to work through.

Sondra got to come into the end of the session too so they could meet. It all went well. Now preparing for next week.

Natural methods vs therapy.

First, thank you everyone who responded to my last post. I really appreciate the support and love that I always get from this blog. You are all lovely <3

So, I emailed my therapist last night. I kept it really short and simple. Mainly because I am angry, and I don't want to be rude. I just said that I will not be in on Friday and I would like to cancel the rest of my appointments. Minutes later I get a response asking if we could talk about it, and how she doesn't feel therapy should be ended through email or message...(seriously? is this the equivalent of breaking up with someone via text?...well shit, now I feel bad)...and would I be willing to come in for one more session. I responded with a sorry for doing this through email, I would have called but I hate phones and I didn't want to just NOT show up on Friday. I also stated that we pretty much discussed my reasoning for not coming back at the last session and felt it would be pointless to come in again. I also said, I would just like to be done. AND cue another response. Can we talk about this? I can call you tomorrow anytime before 2. alskdjfalksdjflakjdfa. This response irritates me. DID YOU NOT READ MY LAST MESSAGE!??? I hate phones!!! Gah! So, I didn't respond. I will not pick up the phone...and I hope that she will leave it at that. I hate being an asshole. I know I'm being dramatic....but this just isn't going to work. Therapy doesn't work for me. I should have figured this out with over 10 years of failed therapy under my belt.

I know Sondra is so upset. I feel I have failed her and our relationship. My last ditch effort was telling her I would make an appointment and get started on some medication. I want her to know that I DO want to be a better person....for her. And there lies the problem. One of the main reasons therapy sucked was because I am doing this for Sondra. I love her so much, I was willing to sit in complete discomfort for an hour a week. And my therapist saw this. Therapy won't work if you aren't doing it for yourself. REALLY? Guess I'm screwed then because I will NEVER willingly lock myself in a room with a stranger to happily talk about my feelings. NEVER. *SSSSIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH*

QUESTION:
Sondra and I also discussed alternative methods...which of course, I'm more apt to try. Looking into acupuncture and seeing a naturopath or naturalpath (I can't spell and I really don't care enough at this point to go figure it out). Anyone use alternative methods to therapy? Curious about your success with them.

Help...Medication questions.

I'm at my wits end. Literally I feel like something fell out of the sky and just squished me to the ground. So quickly...so instantly.

Therapy was AWFUL on Friday. And I thought it was going so well. I left feeling like she doesn't want me there anymore. Like my reasons for being there aren't good enough. I think she feels like I don't NEED to be there. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm a narcissistic freak that can't bear the thought of NOT talking about myself.

I left the session with her saying "I will keep your appointment on the calender for the next and following weeks, but let me know if you don't want to do that". Seriously...fuck you. I don't want to be angry at her, but I think I really am. I told her I wanted her to push me and she said she doesn't feel comfortable with that. What the fuck is your job then? Seriously, I'm paying you $150 fucking dollars out of MY pocket because I don't have insurance. I took a fucking job! So I could pay for therapy! How pathetic!? And you question whether I really want to be here!? Of course I hate it! Of course it's uncomfortable! Is it suppose to be any other way?

Rant aside. I'm going to email her on Wednesday and cancel all my sessions. I'm done. I then plan to go the medicinal route. Anyone who knows me knows this is absolutely the LAST thing I want to do, and I'm not actually sure I want that either. I know Sondra will be mad/disappointed at me quitting...but maybe taking medication will make her less disappointed?

QUESTION:

I have been on anti anxiety/depression meds in the past but I was seeing therapist through school and was able to get prescriptions. I'm kind of at a loss with what to do now. How do I get a prescription? I figure I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist? Will I sit down for one appointment with them and then just get pills that afternoon? Is that how it works?

It's absolutely ironic that I'm having severe anxiety at the THOUGHT of going to a psychiatrist. I wish I could just get pills without talking to someone.

Cue faceplant...again

And I may legitimately be quitting therapy. Worst session ever. I feel like absolute total crap.

Huzzah!

Successful run and video workout yesterday! Feeling pretty good :) I feel successful in that I think I pulled myself out of a spot.

Anyways, therapy is today. And nerves are kicking in. Didn't sleep a whole lot last night. Just hoping all goes well without any awkwards, but ya know...queen of awkward right here.

There she sits.

It's funny when that feeling comes back. I'm being aware of it. I'm sitting in the corner watching it...and watching myself resist it. And *pat on the back* I'm doing great at resisting. But there is an uneasiness settling in.

I first felt it last week after the event had time to settle. I keep thinking all I need right now is some ORDER. I've been making lists in my head. Documenting. Planning. And with that always comes my great plan to "get healthy". Problem with that is my perception is a bit skewed. It means everything "good" goes away. It means if I go to bed hungry, then I'm doing something right. It means I will cuddle up in that bed of depression and just sleep instead of eat. It means I will hate myself for eventually eating. I've been feeling so good for awhile....I don't want to feel bad again. Yet, there she sits. There is nothing to gain, but there is some power in it all I suppose.

I legitimately want to go for a run today. It's pretty crisp outside and just looks like good running weather. I have eaten today. And I'm trying to figure out it I feel guilty about what I ate. It was a lunch of carbs and preservatives. It wasn't good. I wonder if I run if it will motivate me to eat healthier. Or will I spiral? Or will it do absolutely nothing at all? Am I paranoid? I am.

I think I will run...without running a specific amount of miles or hours or burning a specific number of calories. I will just run.

"big dog"/"little dog"

Oh this is going to be long. Feeling kind of thankful for my little secret blog at the moment. This is the first time in quite awhile that I have had time to myself to be a bit reflective.

Last week Sondra called me to tell me she was going to be late from school. She starts off with "Don't worry, I will be home...just a little late. And when I tell you why I don't think you will really care that I'm late, just that I will be home." My mind starts racing imagining all these horrific accidents she could have been in. Turns out she actually had been on the phone with one of our friends, consoling her after an absolutely traumatic incident. They had adopted a dog as a friend for their little dog. Had him less than a few weeks, and she came home to find that the new dog had killed her old dog while she was gone.

Why am I recounting this here? Because I absolutely lost it upon hearing this. Like, lost use of my legs...fell to the floor in a pile of tears and upset. Typing this now...I even have to push back the tears. I had never met either of the dogs. E (Sondra's friend) was really helpful in calming me down during the week of the proposal (oh yes, update I proposed to Sondra...she said yes...updated on other blog). E was also the person I went to see Jillian Michaels with when Sondra couldn't go. So, while E is more Sondra's friend, I have hung out with her. When Sondra told me what happened, as I said, I lost it on the phone. When Sondra drove home I was still a mess and then felt guilty on top of everything because I never asked Sondra how she was dealing, since she had to get E out of the house over the phone and basically had to be a listening ear to a completely traumatic situation for E.

When Sondra got home, I apologized for not asking earlier and then got myself all worked up again. Thereby not allowing myself to be there for her when she needed me. I was feeling TOO much. Every part of me hurt, ached for E and her husband, for her little dog, for the dog that did this. I felt so awful and was putting myself in everyone's shoes. I couldn't have a conversation about this incident. I couldn't console Sondra. I couldn't help her process the situation. I was completely overwhelmed.

This has happened before. Where a sad situation, that doesn't involve me, completely incapacitates me. Another event that did this was the shooting at the elementary school last year. I had to keep myself from any media for about a week otherwise I was done for the day.

Anyways, this is what I brought to therapy with me last week. I started talking about all the perspectives I was seeing in this situation. How I felt as if my own dog had been killed, as if I had been the one who witnessed and experienced that. I then also felt for "little dog". No one knew that "big dog" was a bully or unstable...but "little dog" did. And being alone with him for the last few weeks must have been terrifying. And then "big dog". I feel bad for "big dog". He will be/has been euthanized. I feel guilty for feeling bad for him, but I do.

So as I talked about all these scenario,s my therapist wanted to touch more on how I felt about "little dog". I knew as I stepped into that question where we were going. It was something I caught myself thinking about a little after the incident...how closely related "little dog" and I were, or how I was connecting our stories. I explained to A (my therapist) that "little dogs" humans were suppose to protect her. "Little dog" has no other choice but to trust that...that is a scary realization and something I think about a lot when I'm volunteering at animal shelters. Anyways, I explained how scary it must have been for her to have her humans leave each time. And ultimately how terrifying the situation was in the end. A asked if I had ever felt like this before. I managed to get through all this with only a red face (no tears), I said "I can't do this now...I have to go to work right after this...I just can't. I'm not opposed to talking about it...I just can't now". She understood. And when I explained to her how I needed to be there for Sondra and let her talk about how she was feeling about the situation, she said that I can't. She says she thinks I connected myself to this little dog and retraumatized myself from past "trauma"...yuck I seriously hate that word.

 Now I'm kind of freaking out about next week. I honestly don't know how to discuss this stuff. Never have. And I also feel like an idiot. Like my "trauma" isn't big enough to be called a "trauma". Going to a therapist for what I went through is like going to the emergency room with a hangnail. What I experienced wasn't traumatic...it was confusing yes, but traumatic no. Abuse is too big a word. No words fit my experience and I feel silly for bringing it up.

Yikes next week will be a doozy.

The beads in my brain....

Therapy went well. I feel strange saying that. I'm starting to come to the realization and acceptance that a "good therapy session" typically means I sat and cried for an hour, as opposed to sitting in silence while someone tries to drag information out of me. The deeper I get into this therapy the more I'm starting to see how wrong B (my old therapist) was for me. I actually find myself to be a little angry at her. 

This week started with the usual breathing exercise, which I really enjoy because it helps me calm down just a little bit. I do really well throughout the week, minus those 15 minutes waiting in the car or the waiting room for therapy. Then I start to have my little panic attack. Anyways, therapy started out with me being really frustrated at myself for being so uncomfortable after a month and a half of weekly appointments. We talked about that and how I expect myself to come in a certain way (more confident, cool, collected) not because I want to impress her...which was most certainly where a lot of the nerves came from with B....but to get the stuff in my head worked out so I can be a loving partner in my relationship with Sondra. So, I don't even know how it started but I was suddenly crying. "A" will usually have me close my eyes and "sit with the feeling" and recognize how it sits in my body. That made me cry a little more because I just hear buzzing, and everything gets fuzzy and noisy and confusing. After I opened my eyes and tried to explain what I was feeling I got all embarrassed because I was starting to lose what we were talking about. My stomach felt hard as a rock and it was hard to breathe through the exercise. She had me draw this "rock" out so she could see it. And asked me about what it felt like. I was trying to explain the energy that is contained in this seemingly solid mass and I started to explain something that happens in my head. I have these metal beads in my head. On good days there are two, slow moving, happy silver beads. Then stuff happens, I get nervous, I feel bad, guilty, angry...and those beads speed up. They start to ricochet off one another and produce more beads with each collision. Pretty soon there are so many beads that there is no room to move and they start to meld together into this thick, heavy mass. That's what my stomach felt like. 

At the end of this explanation I started to cry again. I get so afraid that I sound crazy. That people don't understand. When I told her this, she said "here, let me tell you what I'm understanding from what you're saying"...and....she got it. She said "I can understand why it would be difficult to remember things with all of this going on" It's probably the first time in therapy EVER that I felt like...okay, this might be helpful. Feeling understood felt incredibly umm words...words...lifting? No, I don't know...it just made me feel a little stronger. Like...okay self, you can do this because SOMEONE is listening and trying to understand AND (big plus) actually seems like she is getting it for real. 

Blah....all that being said...I still HATE crying. I find myself doing it a lot these days. Sondra says I'm learning to "regulate my emotions" in a safe space so crying is becoming less scary and therefore, I'm more willing to do it. I do feel myself fighting it a lot less...and, I begrudgingly say this, I am starting to feel better after crying. Which is also new. 

Therapy side note: I hate the end of session when I have to pay. I don't have insurance so I pay in cash. This week "A" was talking to me as I was getting the money out and then once I handed it to her, kept talking. I went into complete "awkward freak" mode because I can't tell when I'm suppose to leave so I pretty much bolt out of there, mumbling answers because I'm afraid I'll get caught up in the talking and won't read the cues to leave! Gah I'm such a weirdo. 

Updates from my mind.

I'm back here for more positive reasons. There are just some things I can't say in my "family and friends" friendly blog. And I'm feeling a need to hash out some things that have happened this weekend. In the next month though I'm going to work on fixing up this blog with a more positive focus.

I feel on the road to "recovery" in all senses of the word. I've been making some pretty positive decisions lately and I feel like things in my head are finally starting to come together. Sondra and I went through a rough patch last month. I've started therapy again. It was extremely difficult to get myself back into a therapy type situation, but I felt myself doing exactly what I did in my last relationship. Pushing her away, yelling, verbally abusing her at every turn. It's so awful. I was also back in the habit (after a really long break) of cutting almost every night. I'm too fucking old for this! So, I found a therapist, with Sondra's help. I'm coming to terms with how messed up my last therapy experience was (not sure if I ever mentioned it here but between two suicide attempts my therapist hired me to work in her office, doing paperwork and copying and such, all the while still receiving therapy from her...I was then "fired" when I attempted suicide again.) This new therapist is really nice and understanding and I think will be helpful. Though I don't think I'll EVER be comfortable crying. EVER.

Life things I've been thinking about: My 15 year old cousin came out to me last week. And then proceeded to come out to her parents. I'm so proud of  her. I want to be this really good role model for her but I don't feel that I am. She is so open and honest with her feelings and I find myself a little uncomfortable with that. As well as feeling a bit bummed and hard on myself for not being like that when I was younger. I mean she seriously sat down with her mom awhile back and told her she was confused about her sexuality. That is something I wouldn't even do NOW with my mother. I'm actually really in awe of her. I'm proud and amazed and so happy that she has amazing accepting friends.

I've been doing so well with food. Not over eating. Not starving. Kept myself at a pretty even spot. Not always necessarily eating healthy but I'm working on balancing and not overdoing. Example: I, in the past would have major binges which would trigger a month or two of fasting/starving/over exercising. I haven't done that in some time. A few nights ago I made some cookies. Had a major binge fest on them...for no particular reason. I felt that crap start to sneak into my head. When Monday came along I was going to throw out all the rest of the cookies, fast and run. Instead I kept them their....as a test. Monday came around. I went for a 30 minute run (not 3 hours) came home, drank lots of water, had a banana and oatmeal for breakfast, did some homework, had a normal dinner (soup and salad)...and allowed myself 1 cookie. I'm allowed one a day and I'm feeling okay about that. Just one. Things feel less wobbly. I feel fuller...and I don't mean hunger wise. I feel...together. I actually feel powerful and controlled. I didn't think that was possible while eating regular and exercising sporadically. I don't know my weight. And most days I'm okay with that. I'm focusing on my running goal which is to complete a 5K on October 13th and possible a half in December.
 
More random things:
I met with a friend from High School for coffee today. When I first came out to her we had this agreement (in order to keep the friendship in tact): She wouldn't talk about God and I wouldn't talk about being gay. It sucked. But for some reason we trudged on through and maintained a really surface level relationship. Today, she apologized for her reaction. Though I'd long ago come to terms with the fact that everyone has their own processing time and I can't hold it against them, it was really nice to hear that from her. She talked about how she felt really bad when she found out I'd been cutting in HS. She said to me "I hope you don't feel like you need to be the person that puts on that fake smile for me anymore. You can be honest with me and authentic." Whoa. It felt good to hear that. Scary, but really good and comforting at the same time.

I feel like I have some people coming out of the woodwork who actually do care about me. Paired with therapy, I might actually reach the point where I'm able to return that care. Just felt like sharing. Hope all the people out here are doing alright. I don't visit very often but I think I might start using this as my "therapy afterthoughts" blog type thing.

Well, so much for that...

Well, here I am. Let me take you inside my brain for just a second. I was all ready to get some serious muscle....shoot up to 115lbs...and be happy with my Jillian Michael's inspired body. *close up on MAJOR face plant*

I felt like I was just getting fatter...not more muscley. I reached 110 almost 2 weeks ago and I'm back down to 101 now. This is partly due to the fact that I have been at my parents house watching the dogs again while they are on vacation. Meaning I have NO ONE forcing food upon me. It also coincided with a time I was feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed with food, calories, numbers....yadda yadda yadda. And was triggered heavily when I heard that the girl I use to work with (mentioned in previous posts as "the girl who looks seconds away from a hospital bed") just got out of a 4 month ED clinic. Just looking at her use to trigger me...so I guess I'm not surprised that I was hit with that information in such a negative way. I guess this week can be explained as passive restriction.

I'm nervous because I head back home tomorrow. I'm eating...but I'm counting...and I'm eating things that feel okay. Sondra always gets worried, and to be honest, a bit pissy with me when I do this. Things that have officially not been allowed in my mouth: breads, chips, any vegan processed cheeses, or oils. I've been mainly sticking to my almond yogurt and a salad with garbanzo beans at night.

ANYWAYS....I guess I'm back here for a little while. I feel like I'm not doing this as intentionally as I have in the past. I feel like I have one foot in healthy "muscle lady" realm and another in "stick thin, I hate myself" realm. I will admit, seeing that I'd lost 9 lbs without trying too hard gave me that evil good feeling.

Blah, I bought Jillian Michael's 6 week six pack video. S and I are starting it next week. Depending on my attitude about myself I might take some before and after pictures. I haven't worked out at all this week but it's because I've been able to restrict enough to avoid it. Not sure that will be entirely possible once I get home.

Love you all. Thanks for reading.

triggered.

Just dipping my toe in today. Feeling triggered as all hell. Long story. Don't know what I'm doing. Just here to say hi. I'm alive. I'm living. Just having a rough week I suppose.

And Here's What Happened...

Are you all aware of Jillian Michaels? No? Let me find a picture....yes, here we go...

She is a trainer on the TV show The Biggest Loser, but has also produced a ton of awesome workout DVDs, and books. I'm quite a fan. Anyways, I was able to go to her Maximize Your Life tour in Seattle last Wednesday and guys....I think I've had a major epiphany. She talked for about 3 hours about a range of topics from the basic science behind losing weight to taking care of yourself mentally to be your best. I've pretty much been in love with her since she first hit The Biggest Loser with her bad ass training techniques and attitude. So getting to see her live was a big deal for me.

Let's get back to this epiphany. Jillian is beautiful and strong to me. This is what I strive for...deep in my heart it's what I want...I will admit it's not always what my irrational brain wants at that moment. But ever since Junior High Aerobics....this is what I've wanted. When things got out of hand it was because I just got a little overzealous about all the wrong things. Anyways there was a point in the talk where Jillian was talking about calculating your BMR (yes, we really got down to basics) and she used her numbers to show the audience how. GUYS...this probably shouldn't have been a pivitol moment for me...but it was, so whatever. She is 5 foot 3. My height. And weights 115lbs. That is currently 7lbs higher than me....and she looks amazing. I was having this slow motion moment when I saw those numbers. Things kept flowing through my mind like "I could realistically and HEALTHILY look like her" "The number on the scale really DOESN'T mean anything" and *gasp* even this.... "Maybe gaining weight (muscle weight of course) would actually be a GOOD thing" I don't think I've EVER thought this. 

She of course discussed other emotional issues. Like how we tend to carry along our parents baggage. (Something else that really resonated with me), and that it's really important to be happy in life, to follow your WHY (why you are doing things, why you are living, what makes you actually happy), she even discussed being unhappy in your job. How we should have more good days than bad and if you are unbalanced it's time for a change. I've been sitting on her talk for a few days now and I feel like my brain just got out of the cleaners. Like the gears that were once rusted are starting to spin again. 

I am making serious changes at the moment. Starting of course with my brain and thoughts. I've started paper and pen journaling again (something I haven't done since High School) and I'm continuing the Insanity workouts with Sondra to bring myself to a basic level of fitness and strength. And then I'm going to look to REALLY scoring some hard core muscle. Not like bodybuilder muscle but you know what I mean. I'm going to be fit and healthy. I AM. 

I'm keeping this journal here because I do like to come back now and again. But I think I'll be posting regular fitness updates and such on my other blog

dirtpooranddaydreaming.blogspot.com

Feel free to follow me there. I don't go into calorie details and food struggles in as much detail because I do have family member followers. And I'm basically working on a set of life goals that range from reading/crafting/health/fitness/career that I regularly post updates about. 

I'll be back here now and again. Thanks for dealing with my cranky, self hating posts in the past. I can't say I'm completely rid of that mentality, but right now I feel like I'm on a fresh road. 

Bullet style

1. I need more epic movies. I'd really like to get the Harry Potter series in a nice sparkling set.
2. Anyone ever read Terry Pratchett? I'm reading Monstrous Regiment right now and I'm completely hooked and on the verge of obsessed.
3. Sondra and I have started doing the Insanity program...we are 3 days in. Let me tell you first that Sondra was really nervous to workout with me because she thought I'd be all fit and kicking ass. She was SO nervous that it's taken me 4 months to convince her to start the program. How'd I do it? I told her I'd do it naked. Yep...that's right people. Every morning I put on a pair of socks and tennis shoes...and shake my ass. Completely naked. It makes Sondra laugh. And it's really quite motivating (read: utterly depressing) to see/feel every single ounce of myself jiggle.
4. No job. Lots of wine.
5. Sondra started class today...so I'm home alone. And drinking. Feeling depressed a bit today. I think I'm a "little" codependent.

Unemployed...again

I quit my job today. Yesterday I had been called into the office for that stupid secret shop thing, but also because of my attendance. I've called out a couple days over the last couple weeks because I literally couldn't face a customer. I couldn't smile...I could barely get out of bed. So because I was talked to about it yesterday (it a very "you are a bad girl" type manner...I don't deal well with that, horrible horrible guilt and anxiety) I started to have a massive panic attack on the way to work this morning. Driving on the freeway and I start imagining ways I could get out of work because I was too embarrassed to go back (I cried a little in the office...shame). I started thinking "what's stopping me from just flipping the wheel really quick into the railing? What's stopping me from going into another lane of traffic? The answer was that I AM the one stopping that...and I'm not stable. I made it to work and realized I'd been death gripping the wheel and was shaking uncontrollably  I called Sondra and told her I couldn't do this. I can't work here anymore. And then I called work and said I'm not coming in. And that was it.

Funny thing is...the extreme panic and anxiety has not set in. I felt light today. Sondra and I walked by the waterfront and shopped around. It was nice and relaxing. And I've been crafting the rest of the day. I'm nervous for the realization that I have no steady source of income to set in.

Anyways, tomorrow Sondra and I are going to the beach. If I get some good photos I'll post. Sondra is packing a picnic. I've requested salad and lara bars and she seemed to oblige.  

Food was okay today. Almond yogurt, almonds, banana, and soup. Not nearly enough veggies and too many fats, but whatever.

Life of an introvert

I seriously hate customers service. And customer service hates me. I for one, when walking into a grocery store and checking out, DO NOT want to have a conversation with a complete stranger. It's none of your business what I'm making with what I'm buying, or what I'm doing this weekend, or how my weekend was. Seriously, I always think "just shut up and quit pretending we are long lost buddies and let me pay for the god damn food!!!!". Anyways, I was secret shopped a few days ago and my snapshop was "unacceptable" as it was put so kindly to me today. I asked how they were, but there was "an awkward silence between bagging" "no eye contact" Seriously fuck off. I don't like you that's why...I'm working at this shitty job to pay the bills and I don't give a flying fuck who you are or why you are here!

I think I need a new job. Customer service is not my place...but I seriously can't do anything else. I'm feeling so low and stupid...definitely stupid about this whole thing. I feel like I was put on this earth with only the abilities to do lame ass jobs...but the desires for so much more. Blargh. Hating life right now. I had so many food plans today too. I was going to have my morning coffee with my soy cream, oatmeal, soup, carrots and hummus, salad, more soup and a veggie dog.

Instead I had coffee and oatmeal because work got me all upset. So I didn't run today. Tomorrow will be better.

Going to do this better...

Blogging that is. Quick update:

Food is NOT going well. I've been alone for the last week (my parents went on vacation and I'm watching the dogs) and, left to my own devices, have been restricting. I've also been running though so I HAVE been making sure I have enough calories to safely run. I have one more week here alone and then I go back home. I'm both nervous and relieved. I know Sondra is going to be upset at my eating habits...I'm eating at the pace of a turtle because it's what's comfortable at the moment. But I've missed being around someone. Just feeling super lonely as usual.

That's pretty much my update. How depressing.

Post more tomorrow.

A day of triggers

I think I may have just triggered myself into a full blown depression for who knows how long. Why I do this I can't really say.

Today's events:
-talked to brother on phone after work, who is doing amazingly well in L.A. working in on television sets and movies. (triggered the "wow self, you really suck and have done NOTHING with your life" mentality)
-came home and Sondra was in school mode which makes me feel like a burden and like I'm in her way
-watched some show with Tracy Gold all about eating disorders. So fucking depressing and triggering at the same time
-facebook stalked Trisha who reminded me via text yesterday that I've completely ruined her life and ability to trust people
-google stalked my old therapist...this led to the majority of the trigger. I was immediately filled with this intense guilt/anger/sadness mush of feelings. Part of me wants to write her and tell her how well I'm doing and how sorry I am about screwing everything up (she gave me a part time job in her office and I tried to off myself for the second time which made it impossible for me to work for her) And I also just feel so guilty about being so dramatic and hard to work with. I was probably such an irritating client. It's that feeling that is making me not want to write her either. It's been two years since I've had any contact with her. And I feel sad.

I'm feeling extremely lonely right now. Sad and stuck.

I really need to buy running shoes. I have tomorrow off. So I might just do that, rev up my running mix and get cracking at getting my shit together. Fighting for something. I'm so great at hating myself. I wish I could put that on my resume.

Also side note. I feel surrounded by eating disorders. Seriously. Everywhere I look. Mainly at work. There is an ED clinic up the road so that accounts for the emaciated girls that come in buying produce or yogurts, but also...the people I work with. It's sad...and fucking scary. Two of the girls I just get really scared to talk to. I actually don't want to hear anything about their life because I know it will instantly trigger me to heavy restriction. But another girl who I've recently become "friends" with has kind of started hinting at a past ED. I'm an awful friend because I don't know how to have REAL conversations with people. I shut down or change the subject to something silly or dumb. Ugh. Don't know how to explain that but we hung out the other day and I found I was so exhausted by the end of it because I was trying to keep the conversation up and light and acquaintance-y and she was trying to move it to friendship level. Which I fail at. Anyways, we are going to a concert together next week and I'm just so nervous about this acquaintance progressing into a deeper friendship. Alrighty enough of that. Off to read some.

Dear brain...you are mental.

Why is my automatic reaction to anger and guilt starve, Starve, STARVE!? Or even slice and dice?. I haven't begun any of these actions but I was just a complete bitch to Sondra. I was angry for no reason, snapped, then felt guilty. I've sat for the last hour just visualizing three long gashes in my arm and disappearing. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling fine. Is what I keep telling myself. Tomorrow will be better.

Ugh. I hate myself right now. Rant and pity party over.

Playdoe Food

You guys remember that scene in Hook? Am I dating myself? There is a food fight scene where the food is all this clay gunk. I can't remember much of it. All I know is that all my food is tasting like this. I've been eating well...as in...quite a bit. And I've realized I'm putting crap in my mouth without any taste. It all tastes the same and it's depressing. I suppose this is why I'm excited to begin my detox. Reset things, my body, life.

The world....and bear with me this is going to be dramatic and emo....seems quite overwhelming to me at the moment. I'm moving...and it's more stressful than I thought it would be. My pups have moved in with my parents and Willy (my cat) is at Sondra's (where I'll be living). I have been going after work to pack a few things here and there but it's so depressing in that space without my animals :'( Ugh. I hate going there but I have to finish packing this week. Anyways, where I was going with this bit was that whenever there is one thing overwhelming me it seems to be my brains cue to kick into overanxious gear. Everything I look at becomes a way to kill myself, a way out. And why? I was driving home yesterday and become horribly depressed and overwhelmed with all the killing in the world. This mainly starts when I see cows on fields as I pass by. And it snowballs. I love how my answer to so much killing in this word is to kill myself. Blah. 'nuff of that.

I think I finally found my Pretty Thin replacement. I was seriously getting bummed out. I'm over at Project Shape-Shift now and I'm really liking it so far. Any of you there as well?

Old Pictures and Vodka

A lot of things came together tonight in a weird way.

I've been meaning to make an Emilie Autumn compilation for one of my friends that will be going to the concert with me February. Half the songs I wanted were on my old computer and I just hadn't taken the time to transfer everything over. Well, I got on my old computer tonight. It's about 2 years old (I haven't opened it in that time). I downloaded my songs and made the mix I wanted to. Then I decided I should get all the pictures and videos too. *sigh* it's put me in a weird mood. Not upset. Just....strange. I'm currently drinking cranberry vodka and listening to this mix. When I lived in Wisconsin and Trisha and I had broken up...and Kat and Trisha would be downstairs laughing watching movies, I use to put on this one song in repeat "Chambermaid (spacemix)" super loud...and get trashed. All alone. I'd cut. To the beat of the song...which is pretty fast. Blah... embarrassing to admit that. I always feel weird cutting to music because I think the artist would just be totally ashamed of me....god that is weird. Anyways, this song came on and I literally just poured myself a drink without even thinking.

Besides that...all these pictures...most of me and Trisha. Or me at the farm (happiest time of my life). I just feel this odd mix of....unsettling. That makes no sense. Smart thing to do would be to find something else to distract myself. But I guess there is this morbid curiosity in me that wants to go through all the pictures. Look at everything. And try to address my feelings. Probably dumb to do that while drinking. I know that. And yet here I am. Contemplating the idea.

A lot of happy

I'm still going strong. As in, my head is in place. I feel GOOD for some strange...really strange reason I've yet to determine. I wish I could figure out the underlying factor to my sudden mood change. I could still be soaring high on the fumes of the New Year. I fucking love fresh starts and I seem to be starting this one off particularly well.

Anyways, I mentioned before that I'm going to do the Hungry for Change detox. I just bought the book today and I'm seriously really excited. I'm starting a little later than I had planned because I want to make sure I'm all settled and moved in with Sondra so I'm not worrying about having my Vitamix at one place or the other. On January 28th I do the 3 day detox (sondra even said she'd do it with me!) On the 31st I start incorporating more solid foods though I really want to be eating very clean. And on February 1st I do a soft week of the Insanity workouts. What I mean by soft week is Sondra also said she would do this with me and she is super worried about not being able to complete the workouts...honestly I'm worried I won't be able to either! So I said we will at least commit to 15 minutes and increase the time on the first video each day. By the end of the week we will be all ready to go with completing the full video. So....February 7th kicks off Insanity for real.

I think I'm going to keep a lot of my workout and meal updates here. Maybe...still feel undecided. And quite frankly when I'm feeling this well I think "maybe I should just delete this blog...I'm doing great!" this always seems to backfire on me though. So I guess I'm keeping it here for insurance and so I know I have a place to talk about food issues if they seem to strike again...which they inevitably do.

Feeling good today

Ahhhh! Hello!
Seem to be doing quite quite well this evening. Finished my book for the week, did my few rows of knitting for the day, watched The Biggest Loser (gah, I've missed that show). Yesterday I made this Italian pea soup....it was quite good...and green. Very green.

Anyways, I guess I don't have much to report. There is quite a build up here of creative energy? ideas? plans? anyways...building in my mind at the moment. New workouts, new goals, new recipes...on and on and on. I'm really excited for the detox on Monday. I'm using Friday and Saturday to move a lot of stuff to Sondra's which will be nice because I love when my apartment is empty. When I moved here a year ago I didn't even have a bed and it was the most lovely thing in the whole world.

My little kitten (okay, he's almost 5 but still....) is going to the vet to get tested for diabetes on Friday which is making me slightly nervous. His blood test from last month came up weird so they wanted me to collect his urine (don't ask) and then bring him by this week. Hope all goes well.

I'm off into the land of blogs.

Hungry For Change Detox

I'm looking into seriously doing this detox. And NOT focusing on weight loss. I just want to feel good. The plan can be found here: Hungry For Change Detox Plan I'm copying and pasting it all into a word file because it's a 3 day thing that they are posting for free right now (it's included in the Hungry For Change book). Anyways, if anyone is up for it feel free to join in. I'm nervous only in that some detoxes turn into me just eating nothing because I don't like or can't stomach some of the nutrient rich foods, but I really want to try to do this correctly. I need to go grocery shopping which means I may not begin this until next week...because I'm broke until pay day.

Anyways, I've been feeling a lot better over the last few days. Let's blame the New Year. I'm such a "new year", "new day", "1st of the month", "monday" kind of girl. I love fresh starts.

And back down I go

I've quit derby...again. And for the final time in my life. So many things got in the way. I was doing well with intake. Eating enough to skate properly and still lose weight too according to my jeans and girlfriend. But the social anxiety aspect of it all just made everything worse. I can't convince myself that anyone would ever see me as a valuable person on the team. I've never been a team sports kind of girl but I loved the rush of getting all your anger out on the track by slamming all you had into another body. I'm back to running. I'm attempting to maintain a healthy outlook on food. Already had a few chew/spit incidents however. Nothing major...and it was mainly because I knew there was too much sugar in it.

I've made some new year's resolutions...actually 101 because I like to fail

Reading:

1. Read 50 books (don't tell me I can't)

2. Join an online book club

3. Subscribe to Bust and VegNews

4. Purchase Harry Potter audio books and listen to them

5. Catch up on Walking Dead graphic novels

6. Rebuild my cookbook collection

7. Finish the Physics Tutoring DVD and calculus books

8. Finish the “All About Me” books with Sondra

9. Read a Shakespeare play I haven’t read

Food:

10. No more soda

11. Complete 3 day detox

12. Use Vitamix once a week

13. Use Dehydrator 12 times

14. Cut back on sugar without using unnatural sugar replacements

15. Cut back on processed foods (veganiase, daiya cheese etc.)

16. Make my own almond milk

17. Try 10 different teas

18. Go to Powell Books (should be in the books section but I don't want to renumber everything!)

19. No purchasing Starbucks unless I have a giftcard

20. Make some serious attempts to decrease/quit coffee (I’m being realistic here)

21. Try a new recipe every week (48 times)

22. Drink 3 glasses of water a day

23. Try a food I’ve never had every month

Extracurricular:

24. Start volunteering at Pasado’s

25. Go to 5 doll meetups/conventions

26. Grow veggies and herbs

27. Go to LeakyCon

28. Develop my Vegan Library

29. Go to 6 concerts

30. Go to the beach

31. Go on vacation with Sondra

32. Go on a wine tour

33. Go to the Chihuli Glass Garden

34. Have a dinner party

35. Have a vegan wine and cheese party

36. Go visit Melvin

37. Get my Melvin tattoo

38. Get together with Molly, Mary and Stephanie

39. Participate in at least 12 social hangouts

40. Go camping

41. Visit Pig’s Peace Sanctuary

42. Go to a burlesque show

43. Take Sondra on a fancy date

44. Go to and dress up for a Renaissance Faire

45. Have more hangouts with cousin Stephanie

46. Take the Seattle Underground Tour

47. Do more Fairy Oracle readings

48. Get some awesome stompin’ boots

49. Watch 20 classic movies I haven’t seen (Flash Dance, Pulp Fiction, Footloose….)

50. Surprise someone with something special

51. Go to the Pacific Science Center

52. Daytrip to Olympia

53. Go see 3 movies in the theater (1 at CineBarre)

54. Go to Card Kingdom and play cards

55. Go to a drag show

56. Attend a charity event

57. Go to an art show

58. Purchase 5 Furry Bones

59. Go see the Grey Gardens Musical

60. Go to a theater production

61. Learn to play Magic The Gathering

62. Go to the American Girl Doll Store

63. Go to the Seattle Art Museum

64. Have a picnic complete with old fashion picnic basket, sundress, and big hat

65. Go to a vegan potluck

Crafty:

 66. Sew 4 doll outfits

67. Sew 6 full sized projects

68. Learn to crochet

69. Take a picture every day

70. Knit a hat

71. Knit a baby blanket

72. Finish knitting Sondra’s scarf

73. Focus on one blog and write in it at least once a week

74. Make a frame or display of sorts to show all the Emilie Autumn concert experiences

75. Finish a puzzle

76. Make a full length music video

Fitness:

77. Run a Marathon

78. Go on 5 hikes

79. Buy new running shoes

80. Get abs and overall increase core strength

81. Complete 60 days of the Insanity workout

82. Learn to do the splits

83. Race for the Apes 5K 

84. Aids Walk

Life:

85. Find a fulfilling career

86. Go to the dentist

87. Keep car clean

88. Go to the doctor

89. Do not purchase plastic water bottles

90. Answer my phone

91. Keep up on Thank you notes

92. Keep up on correspondences

93. Remember and acknowledge birthdays

94. Get regular oil changes/keep up with car maintenance

Appearance:

95. Don’t cut or dye hair

96. Get contacts

Financial:

 97. Put $1000 towards debt

98. Put $2500 in savings

99. Budget monthly

100. Make a savings chart

101. Save all change and buy something fun at the end of the year

I'm still trying to find what I want to do with this blog. I'm going to be updating most of my resolution stuff on my public blog ( d i r t p o o r a n d d a y d r e a m i n g . b l o g s p o t . c o m)

But ya know. I like to come here to whimper and complain and hate  myself...though I'm really really really fucking trying to be better at life these days.