Balancing...sort of.

First off Bella, thank you for your comment on my last, completely depressing drunk post. I really appreciate knowing that someone is there...I'm totally lacking in the number of people in real life I have to talk to these days, as pathetic as that sounds :|

Anyways, I'm back again. My visits will be sporadic  Every day is different in my head. One day, I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and happiness and ideas for future projects and then I think about the energy these projects will consume and my track record with actually ever completing ANYTHING and I'm down again. I'm up, craving healthy wondrous  nutritional foods. I'm baking and cleaning and organizing and then I remember the money these luxuries require. I'm down, broke, sad, eating little but still going to derby practice....so...losing. I feel I'm constantly walking on a fence. Unsure of what side of the fence I desire to work towards jumping on. And since I can't figure it out...I stay up here...balancing, panicking.

My "food issues" are not in check as of now. In fact, if I weren't doing derby, I most certainly would be restricting. I'm losing without trying right now just because my exercise is up and I can't afford to eat all the processed shit. Which is good and bad. I can't decide. Because I don't feel I have the option to restrict (I need all the energy I can muster together to practice safely) I have been cutting. Which also sucks because it makes me feel like a weak player when someone grabs my arm to give me a whip, and I can feel (underneath my wrist guards) my open wounds. I'm not feeling good. Last week I was halfheartedly planning my suicide again. I took two days off of work...which I definitely couldn't afford...because I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the store, while I was ringing up a customer. I'm currently resisting the urge to cut again because my wounds are almost healed from a couple weeks ago. But my mind is on self destruct. I keep thinking that I have vodka in the fridge or at least a bottle of wine. Drinking alone almost always leads to more cutting.

I'm nervous about moving in with Sondra. Officially at the end of January but will probably be a bit before then too. I'm nervous that I won't be able to eat what I want, how I want. Even though I know she  gets all this stuff. I'm just worried to be watched and judged...which I also know she won't do. I'm paranoid. We are going to start doing the Insanity workout together.

I don't know what I want. I literally feel like I'm on a balance beam. Too afraid to jump to one side or the other. Because when I jump...no matter what side I land on...I never land on my feet. I just keep falling.

Anyways, I'm here for now. I'm off to comment a bit and check in on everyone.

drunk.

What's up ladies? gentlemen. I'm trashed. Sad. And I don't know what else. So many thoughts running through this brain of mine. So many...so many.

Let's start with minimal:
1. Sondra and I might be moving in together soon. This will be nice minus the kitchen issues. But I'm comfortable expressing said issues with her so I think it iwll be fine. It will be fin.e
2. I suck at socialiazing. We knew this. I started derby again and my social awkwardities are coming out in full swing. I just don' tlike talking to people but to be placed onto a team i need to rub elbows with the "right bpoeple.]
3. Sndra and I talk about kids a lot recently> i want children. I do. I"m so afriad to leave them alone with anyone. She lent me a book about parenting and knowing yoruself and knowing your issues and how they affected you. I"m constantly thinking about the....stuff. bad stuff. I'm afraid I will be a bad parent because of it. :'( blargh makes me sad. Makes me wonder if I should even bring a child into this owrld.

MOre depressing shit:
1. Cutting is becoming an issue tyet again. Been daydreaming aobut stitches. Blood, comas, dying in general. It's sick. And I know bad, but I don't know how to make it stop.
2. I feel guilty for coming back here but the truth is I've been back on PT for months. Despite the fact that I joined derby and I NEED to be healthy. MUST. I feel drawn to sickness. Feel better when I'm negative, empty, nothing. I feel like I"m walking on a fence line. I want to jump to one side or the other. The correct side would be health...but I'm afraid to fail. I"m afriad to be helathy and fat and....fail. To suck and derby and be all muscular. Back to square one.
3. I'm suicidal. Want it...don't know why. Need a new job.

Anyways...hi again. Who knows when I'll be back or if. I juust knew that this is my "bad" journal. I can writea nyting here. Sorry to garbage up the plac.e

Moving

I'm moving over to WordPress. Seems I've lost most my readers here anyways. I don't blame people for leaving. This blog turned to depressing rants all too often. Hoping to change that over at : http://bonesofmorbiddiathesis.wordpress.com/ I figured it'd be a good place since PrettyThin switched over their format and such. Also, it's easier to find people with similar interests. Later :)

When it rains it pours.

Seems everything happens all at once...anyone else experience this? I mean hell, if I'm going to be triggered might as well make it good eh universe? Two things. First, going back to using Lyndsey as my gf's name. I keep freaking out about the anonymity of this blog. So, back to the first thing. Lyndsey's old habits are rearing their heads again. Mainly because she had to move back in with her parents and her mom is super obsessive and controlling over her intake. Irritates me. I'm to afraid/nervous/guilty/lame to tell her I'm highly triggered at the moment and hearing her say "hunger pains are good" actually set me off more. On to thing 2. I'm going to the little Asian grocery store after work today with one of my coworkers...who...have I mentioned? is on the cusp of looking like she needs to be shipped off to the hospital. Teeny tiny. And of course super sweet. I look like a cow walking next to her. I'm not very good at making friends or hanging out with people...so naturally I'm a little nervous. But at the same time it's nice to have something to do after work.

I have to come up with a dinner that Lynndsey and I can have together on Sunday night. Right now I'm going for massaged kale salad. It's fairly simple...and light. Something we can both enjoy.

I've been grinding my teeth at night again. Massive headaches ensue.

Competitive Nature

So completely triggered into a starvation frenzy today. This girl got hired at my work about 3 or 4 months ago. I immediately noticed her red bracelet. Just something I ticked off in my mind. I do that with most people...though I'm not stupid enough to believe that all red bracelets are representative of an ed. A couple weeks ago I was having lunch, stuffing my face...and she brings up her last stay at inpatient. NOT what I needed to hear at that moment. But I pushed through. I didn't ask any questions because I seriously did not want to hear about it. I don't want to know. The less I know the better. She is constantly talking about her weight...or how this activity will be good because she will lose weight. Today she was all dizzy and shaky. I was actually worried for her. We walked back to the parking lot today...I watched her eat grapes....four chews each mouthful. Yes, girl...I notice.

I feel competitive. Fucking sick I know. I don't really even know why. I just know that I can. It's disgusting. I hate myself for feeling like this. I also convince myself my head is leaning back to restricting because I've been cutting every night for the last few nights. Having made myself a mental food list while washing dishes tonight...I feel fine enough to forgo the blade tonight.

I'm angry for getting back here. Mainly because I convinced myself I was well enough to start derby again. I have tryouts on the 29th. I cannot get sick...I cannot be weak. Derby days are rice, quinoa, non-dairy cheeze, fruits, veggies, crackers, 1 latte if necessary. Other days are soups, liquids, puddings, light fruits, veggies, home coffee and 40 minutes of running.

dizzy

I'm driving myself crazy. Props to you if you can make it through this entire post without spinning in circles.

First, let's say...I feel I have a boulder on my chest. Breathing is not happening as it should. And the more I think about it...the more panicked I become. I will have to cut tonight.

Second. I'm having drawn out daydreams of quitting my job and driving to the ocean with nothing but a blade, a bottle of vodka, and pills. I imagine hacking into my skin and then burying my arms in salty sand and water. I then lay on the beach....my lips become cracked and bloody and my wounds infected with yellow puss. And this is where I stay...swallowing. Until I can't any longer. I'm slightly worried...but also excited by these thoughts. Worried, because I'm well aware they are not normal or healthy...but excited because I want it. I want to have nothing again. Nothing to live for. No reason to even bother. I hold on right now for my job...for sondra...for a future. But I'm starting to get fuzzy and float. Arms detaching...legs breaking. I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it...it's just not something I use my money on. I have a few "friends"...I've thought of purchasing a couple joints. I don't know why. I don't even know if I know how to smoke.

Food issues are creeping. I've been "okay" for awhile. "Okay" in that I've gotten fatter. Girl at work...always talking about her old ED. I can't hear it. It makes me long for sickness. I can't get ill and too skinny. I started derby again. I stand a really good chance of making it onto an awesome team. I don't want to be fit. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be anything anymore. Nothing. I want to stop.

I don't feel good :'( I'm afraid this is all I'll ever be. I'm sorry for all the depressing posts. I don't know how to fix myself at the moment. I don't know where else to put this.

Flip

Life seems better today. Funny how that happens yes? One of my friends from the farm is coming to visit and Sondra and I hung out all day yesterday. I wonder if sometimes my bouts of depression sync up with lack of social activity. I hate hanging out with people but when I force myself to I usually feel better. Anyways, this blog is mainly for my depressing rants unless I can find a better use for it. We shall see.

Revisiting the past

Shit is getting real. I'm back to where I was almost 2 years ago to the date. Researching suicide methods. Do I actually want to kill myself? Yes, sometimes....no most of the time. Two years ago I was on round two for an overdose. I didn't know what I was doing with my life. Trisha hated me and loved someone else...and I was so blinded by pain and confusion. No friends, no job. A therapist I had no hope in ever communicating properly with...and thoughts contaminating my brain daily. Seemed like the easiest route. I don't think I ever thought I would die. It was simply an act of desperation to make everything stop for just one fucking second. And I'm feeling that overwhelming sensation yet again. I want everyone and everything to go away until it's good.

More later. I have to go to my shitty job now. 28 year old grocery store cashier. That is enough reason right there to off myself.

I don't know why I'm here.
Job hunting makes me want to literally off myself.
I have no "skills"...no "desire". No passion. I'm not good at anything.
I'm fucking 28 years old. My 10 year High School Reunion was tonight.
And I was working at Whole Foods.
Where the general public is killing my soul.
Get out? But where? I don't want to do anything.
I truly believe the only thing I will ever be good at is "doing nothing". Lock me up.
I know this is a copout. I'm fucking stupid.

Suicidal Crossing Guard

So sorry for the rant and explosive swearing and death wishes. Welcome to the shitty side of my brain. Anyways...new day. New fucking day.

I've been in the pits since yesterday. Full on fogging out while driving to work (not good) or going completely suicidal in my head. It would be quite easy I always think. I'm wondering if driving is becoming too dangerous. Because, honestly....what IS stopping me from smashing into a guard rail? or a tree? or another car. The answer of course is ME. And that is scary. Me. I am the one who controls my life. I get to decide. When I was in 6th grade I was a crossing guard (one of those nerdy kids in the orange vest holding a "STOP" flag in front of cars to let people cross). The leader of the crossing guards was an adult and she would blow a whistle when we had to walk out in the road, but I always knew that it was my legs and my mind that made that decision. And I could...if I chose...walk out in front of a car that was not prepared to stop. I use to stand and obsess about that during those mornings. I could fling myself in front of traffic if I wanted to. And I'm not sure I wanted to at that age...but I thought about it a lot. It use to make me shake. Like I didn't trust myself. I DON'T trust myself, even now. Maybe that's the issue.

Anyways...wow that was depressing. I'm getting ready to go walk the pups and then go for a run. Then it's off to work. At least Sondra works today. Should make it a little better.

Fuck the EX.

Why. Why Why why why why!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I facebook stalk my ex? Seriously. It fucks with me every time. I partly think I do it on purpose. Not enough drama in my life...let's stir it up. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate THEM. I hate their stupid bed and breakfast and fucking brandi carlile. FUCK. I hope Kat dies. I hope she fucking dies. And I hope Trisha is happy with her slutty dead girl friend.

I hate my life. I hope I'm dead by September so I don't have to bother with them moving back. I can't take it. I can't handle seeing either one of them. Especially as a whale.

I seriously feel like I'm going to go all kamikaze on some shit right now. Know what I use to do when I felt like this? Rip the shit out of my arms and legs until I felt like a zombie. Until it wasn't me doing it anymore. What am I to do now?

Down Two.

I lost two pounds this week. Which is alright considering I was no where NEAR the amount of exercise I'd like to be at. This week I'm working on 700 cals. and burning 400 of those. And hoping to drop 2 more next week. I'd ideally like to be back to 100 by July 16th so I can really get down to business.

Walking down to the record store to get this tomorrow:

Here is some more Fiona <3

My Forest Dream Home

Yuck. I woke up late this morning. (yesterday morning as well) Meaning that is 3 days I didn't work out. I have to start getting ready for work soon. I know I'm tired today because I didn't eat a ton yesterday but now I feel like I really can't eat today because I didn't work out again. It's weird because I've debated doing just coffee and water today. If I'm to get my Starbucks, that's 150 calories. Liquids have always been less anxiety provoking. EVEN if they are higher in calories. I swear you could put all my meals in a blender and I'd probably feel fine.

Sondra and I skyped last night until the early morning (also why I am tired). We got into a slight argument because she said something like "I like to think that we are in a place where we tell each other everything..." I just smiled. What can I say, I like to have my secrets. It has nothing to do with her. I love her. But, there is...always has been...this power I get from having ONE thing, that is just mine. We let the issue rest but it's been on my mind. I don't feel like I'm being dishonest with her. After work we were talking and she said she could feel my hipbones...was I eating? was I throwing up? It's a big deal for her for me to eat with her. So I have been eating...for the most part, normally, just smaller portions. But normal food when we are together. "I just don't want you to get obsessive". "Are you doing okay"......wow that question. No, no I'm not doing okay. But I will survive. And when I won't, you will know. Okay this is going nowhere....moving on....

After that phone conversation I was feeling quite low. Just sick. Hating myself for doing what I'm doing, thinking the way, and acting the way I do, that I started thinking terrible things again. I find if I switch out "I want to die" with "I want to go live in the forest" it feels much better. I've been daydreaming about it in fact. And quite honestly if I didn't have any debt, I might actually do it. First check this place out (and then I will continue with my story)

And my favorite photo...the one that fuels most of the daydreams....

I want to live here. Alone. Completely alone. And never come in contact with another human being. I want to die here. I want to collapse of old age and have forest animals eat my body and the house to crumble around my bones. And I don't want anyone to ever know. If I lived here alone.... I think I could be happy. If I knew I would never have to speak to or see another single human again do you know what I would do? Probably eat and eat and eat. And be happy. I would curl up by that fire and read massive books and cook and walk through the woods. I would dress up in sparkles and dance naked outside....even if I was fat! Because the moon doesn't care. Animals don't care.

Where would you want to go to be all alone? What would you do? Do you think life would be better? Would you be happier?

You know you life is dull when....

You are excited because you bought you cat a different kind of cat food. Seriously. I was rushing home from work and I was thinking "Why am I in such a hurry? What am I so excited about?" Well I bought Willy new food to help with his weight and I also got him some wet food. I was excited to see if he liked it...it cost an arm and a leg so he better. And he LOVED it. I'm a loser.

WILLY. Best one eyed cat ever.

List of things to do...

I love losertown. The end. All I had to say about that really.

In other news...If I stick to 1000 cals a day with light to moderate exercise 3-5 times a week I should be at my UGW by September 1st. Excellent. At the moment I'm doing less than 1000 but it's good to know I have that cushion. Goal for Monday is 105. Though LTs projection is 106. Is today really Saturday? Time flies when you are restricting.

Things I need/want to do...that I probably won't:

1. Finish reading Bossypants
2. Start EA Asylum book and make it through without slashing myself to pieces
3. Start watching Game of Thrones....or start the books....(I'm taking suggestions on this one)
4. Go running at Green Lake
5. Find the specific ballet books recommended in class
6. Clean the carpets and find wall hangings
7. Find new leashes for the pups
8. Make lentil rice stuff and section off into 200cal containers for the week
9. Drop stuff of at the goodwill
10. Pay bills
11. Laundry
12. Job hunt
13. Burn Garbage CD for friend at work
14. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower out loud to Sondra (she has never read it and I want to see the movie when it comes out!)
15. Look into some light volunteer work
16. Figure out travel schedule for August

Wow....pardon the dull post. Basically just needed to organize my head. Have a place I could come back to in order to see what I have or have not accomplished. I only have one day off this week so getting it all done is going to mean early mornings.

Mia Kirshner Love

I've been meandering around PT and lurking...which after being a member for so long, is NOT my style. I've read some interesting posts that I would absolutely love to reply and contribute to but every time I go to type something nothing appears. It's infuriating.

Had a bit of a stressful morning. They were having some kind of small dog meetup when I took Emmett to go running and he flipped out. He is not agrressive but he is super anxious and just barks. Once we walk up to the dogs he is fine, sniffs and is calm. Well he came around this corner after already seeing several dogs on the walk up to the park and this woman was standing there. Honestly he wasn't freaking out that bad...a few barks, nothing major. And she was telling him to shut up. I didn't hear her because I had my ipod in. I took it out because I thought she was talking to me. She said "I was telling your dog to be quiet. Dogs like me. Dogs never bark at me." She said this all with scowl on her face. I replied "Oh, sorry, he pretty much barks at everyone until you pet him...just his way of saying hi I suppose *nervous laugh*" She just bitch glared at me. Put me in such a state. I'm already paranoid about Emmett's behavior and barking...and then to get scolded....made me feel terrible. Then I got angry. I was imagining beating the shit out of this woman. My brain scares me sometimes.

Anyways, onto happier things. Been in a Mia Kirshner mood again. When am I not actually? I need to get The L Word back from Sondra. Thinking about watching New Best Friend again tonight because I think I saw it on youtube. Thought I'd share some of my favorite photos:

Might blog later tonight depending on how I'm feeling. Hope everyone has a wonderful day! 

Animals and Ultimate Goal Weights.

Well, I'm up early. Which is a good thing. I plan on getting my run in and walking the dogs and doing my stretches. I highly doubt I will be able to do the splits in a month but I am noticing improvement in my flexibility after only 3 days of twice a day stretching.

Yesterdays intake was alright. My usual coffee, a nectarine, banana and soup. Today's scheduled intake was a lentil and rice concoction that I was going to make and soup. I'm altering it a bit though because I don't want to make the lentils too early in the week. My fridge already looks too full and I don't want anything to go bad. I have several tomatoes, nectarines, spinach, and hummus that I need to finish up before cooking anything. So today, before work....some piece of fruit. Lunch at work: soup. And if necessary when I get home hummus and veggies. Though I'd like to do without.

Trisha is probably coming to visit in September. Bring on the obsessive and unattainable UGW. I have 3 months to drop a good 15 pounds. Really I'd just like my heart to stop in the process. Do you know what I've realized? Fucking with food is my plan B....always. I feel right now, despite how amazing things are going with Sondra, I will never be happy in a committed relationship with kids and the perfect house and job and blah blah blah. I will also never be happy having the lame ass job I have, being single, and living a lonely life. Will being skinny make me happy? No. Nothing will make me happy. There is something wrong with my brain. I think I was born to be miserable. And while being skinny won't make me happy I feel it's the one thing I can hold over people's heads. I see pictures on facebook of my friends from HighSchool who are married and have 3 kids and such and think to myself "Fuck....they got fat" (yes, I'm an awful person). But it seems to overshadow the fact that they have a "perfect" life and I....well don't. So if I can just have this one thing. If I can look at them and say "Well, at least I weigh less than I did in High School you beluga whale" (That really is an unintentional insult to beluga whales...they are gorgeous creatures...included a picture to prove it) then everything is okay. It's alright that my life sucks. Wow. Ever just type without thinking? I'm such a horrible person. I really am.

Anyways, this got my brain going. I hate using animals as insults. I do it all the time. Like most people. Why is it that we compare ugly, huge things to these beautiful, amazing, beings?

I love cows. Seriously love them. I want to hug this one. Being called a cow should be a compliment.

Prettythin users out there....anyone having problems posting in the forums? I hit the reply button and start to type but nothing shows up. It's really fucking annoying. 

When I hit 100 again I'll be posting my first vlog. Nothing to get too excited about but it gives me a goal to shoot for. Will probably be around the end of July.

Don't Fuck Up.

Somewhat freaking out...a little. I was at Sondra's house doing laundry last night so she made it to my place before I did. I told her to go in and let the pups out and I would meet her there when I was done. I knew I had some papers laying about that were slightly obsessive in nature. Mainly my exercise routine and food plan, but they were kind of covered so I wasn't that worried. I'd completely forgotten I'd left the scale out in the open (I'd had it hiding the last month or so because I didn't want to weigh myself). Anyways, that's not what concerns me. She wanted to use the computer so I said it was fine but I think when she checked her gmail I was still logged under this account. Ugh. I feel slightly sick. I'm afraid she will find this blog. There isn't really anything discussed here that she doesn't already know about...it's just more detailed. And I'd rather my craziness be kept to myself or here. Fuck fuck fuck. Ugh.

Moving on. Sondra has some beautifully depressing books at her house as well. I usually refrain from flipping through them while she is there but I had the house all to myself yesterday so I looked at one that has had my eye for the last month or so. THIN. This book has some really brilliant photography of girls on an Eating Disorder Unit. It was kind of depressing and I actually broke down in tears at two of the pictures. Ugh. It definitely put me in a state...as I knew it would. I really need to practice self restraint.

I do not want to fuck up. What that means I don't know. It's just what I feel. Every time I hear my heart beat, breathe, walk...."don't fuck up, don't fuck up". I don't want to fuck up in the sense that I want to be healthy. I WANT to have a balance of eating and exercise that is NORMAL. I want to have something that tastes good and not feel it blob onto me. I want to see myself as beautiful. However; "don't fuck up" also means....DON'T GET FAT. Whatever you do. Don't look at old pictures of yourself and regret what you have become. Don't get the family ass....and rid yourself from any starting signs of it.

I didn't run today. I'm suppose to have a PB&J and soup but I think since I didn't run I will just stick to the soup. Maybe a piece of fruit.
------------------------------------------
Also....Outdoor Junkie the specific doll meetup that I went to was for collectors of Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. They are pretty amazing. A lot of photographers and artists get into them because they are so customizable. The meetup went really well and I actually feel like I made a few future friends...possibly :) We just met at a Starbucks and brought our dolls....wow this is sounding incredibly nerdy when I explain it. Uhhh so yeah. We just met up, had coffee and got to know one another.

I Wuv Fiona Apple.

*sigh* Only a few more days until the new Fiona Apple CD comes out. She got super skinny...she was already. But...daaaaaaammmmnnn. This video will give me nightmares.

The "I'm Too Broke to Eat Anyways" Diet

Yep. I've coined it. Here's what you need $25 a week. That's it. Live off it. You'll be skinny in no time. I'm actually trying to be healthy these days. Somewhat. My meals are planned out for this week. They involve hummus, carrots, cucumbers, broth, soup, lentils and rice and....wait for it....PBandJ (hear that? yes...it's my thunder thighs comin' to town) Really, I'll be having one of those every couple days or so and I decided since I'm upping my running it's kind of okay.....argh. No.....no it's not. I feel guilty and I haven't even EATEN the sandwich yet. Just writing it on my schedule made me feel disgusting. I want to be up to 6 miles a day again in a couple of weeks. I run 3 today and should be consistently at 6 by next Monday.

It's tricky hanging out with Sondra. She takes everything so personally. If I'm restricting even slightly she refuses to eat around me. Makes me sad because I want to hang out with her. I just don't want to have pizza and cookies and all the shitty food that I always want to eat when I'm in love. Yes...I have romance foods...and it's pretty sad that cookies and pizza are it for me :P

The recital was really nice on Saturday. I met Sondra's family and all her old dance friends which was so scary. It was like social overload for me. But I survived. Her Grandpa was actually quite nice and I really enjoy her family. They are all like her. I was laughing a lot of the time. I've really actually enjoyed being in this relationship...that sounds funny...but we are starting to get to this point where we can be completely silly in front of each other. It's so refreshing. I LOVE laughing with her (best laugh ever). Gah, okay, I'm done being all mushy.

I'm off to a doll meetup. Yes I'm that nerdy. I'm so nervous, I've never met any of these people and it's at a Starbucks. But I'm also pretty excited because I've wanted to get more involved in the doll hobby community and this is a great way to do it. Still.....nervous.

Anyways, this is my doll Melora....nice collar bones eh? ;)

Happy Thursday

Lalalalala. <----- I felt like singing. Don't judge. I don't have a whole lot to say but I'm trying to be good and post once a day. Ohhhhh I rhymed! Geez I feel all spazzy. I have to go into work today...yuck. Paying my bills is going to be interesting this month. Get ready for the ride.

Saturday I'm going with Sondra to her sister's dance recital. I'm so fucking nervous. Two main reasons. 1. I don't know what to wear. Yeah, not a big deal but it is. This will be the first time I'm meeting a lot of her extended family and I want to make a good impression. 2. Her grandparents don't know she's a lesbian hahah....and I will be living proof of that fact since we are going as dates. And while I adamantly HATE public displays of affection I'm sure we will be holding hands....deal with it old folks!

In other news: Pride is coming up which I'm hoping I got off for work and then on the 28th my mom bought tickets to Les Miserables. My favorite musical ever. I'm so excited!

So, it should be a busy month. I watched my Vitamix video yesterday and feel a little more comfortable with the thought of using it. Monday will be the day.

Ohhhh! Random goal I set for myself. I want to be able to do the splits. That sounds stupid doesn't it? Oh well, I do. I use to have dreams when I was younger that I could do the splits. I found this site (I swear you can learn to do anything on Google)  How to Do the Splits so I'm going to do those stretches twice a day for a month and see where it gets me. I figure it will help with ballet anyways, just to be more flexible and it's a fun little challenge. Feel free to join if any of you out there are weirdos like me and have wanted to but were unable to do the splits :) I'm starting on Monday, as all accomplished goals begin on Monday.

"Sick" Day

I went into work yesterday only to stay for 40 minutes and go home sick. I have been feeling super off this last week and then started to feel like I was getting a migraine, felt very very dizzy and nauseous. Turns out it was epic period time. Anyways, so I stayed home and pretty much did nothing. Snuggled with my pups and cat, watched Venus in transition (which was pretty cool since I'm a closeted science geek!), watched "Stranger than Fiction" (why didn't this movie get better reviews!? It was the second time I saw it and I loved it even more!), read "Bossypants" by Tina Fey, and curled into the fetal position every couple hours when I got pregnant cramps (you know the ones...they feel like what I would imagine, very tame, contractions to feel like). And I called out again today. Probably a really stupid move for my bank account but I'm still not feeling 100% and the thought of going in and having to smile at everyone is slightly exhausting and I'm pretty sure I'd end up vomiting on a customer. So, instead I shall rest up in my bed again, maybe clean, watch my vitamix dvd for some inspiration, maybe break open my new big box of crayons, and drink coffee out of my Harry Potter mug because it makes me happy.

Anyone going to see "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" when it comes out? I'm getting pretty excited for it and feel I need to read the book again before I go. I read it a long time ago.

Anyways....things I've been obsessing over. I have a list...but at the top of that list is something gruesome. I feel sick for even choosing to put my mind in this place, but I need to talk about it. You guys I'm sure have heard of the porn star in Canada who chopped up his boyfriend and mailed the pieces to different places?  I am seriously disgustingly obsessed with learning more about it. The entire story terrifies and disgusts me, but I can't stop. The worst part is, there is video of him committing this crime. I haven't watched it...yet. Why I feel the need to watch it I don't know. I'm resisting watching it like I resist the urge to cut or burn. Seriously, that is how I feel. I sit and load it on my computer and I hover over the play button. I think I know it will fuck me up and plunge me even deeper into wherever the hell I'm headed right now. So I'm trying NOT to watch it but this story invades my thoughts. I wonder how any human could do that to someone else. How does that happen? It scares me that as humans there is only a .01% DNA difference from person to person....what is it that makes that guy different from me? Or the person I walk next to on the sidewalk? Or the doctor I let operate on me? Or the people I love? Or the people who love me? It freaks me out...and yet fascinates me at the same time. Sondra says I'm getting obsessed about this and refuses to partake in conversation about it. I really wanted her to look at the pictures of him online. He is a beautiful human being. Ascetically speaking. And I find myself asking why I was hoping he looked like a monster. Why does it bother me so much that he is handsome? I think it's because there is no way to tell a monster from a good person. They all look the same. *sigh* sorry for the random thoughts... just been in my mind all week.

Happy thoughts Happy thoughts. Trying to think happy thoughts. Ummmmmm....let's see.... Well, I'm sucking at this. I'll get back to you...

Many The Miles

Sara Bareilles seems to make life better...always. It's cliche to say shit like "such and such artist's music saved my life" or "music is life" and I'm not necessarily claiming that. What I am saying is that her music seems to always put things into perspective for me. It makes me breathe a little. Calm down a bit. Find things I appreciate instead of always focusing on the negative. After the second failure, when I got home from the hospital I felt absolutely empty. Empty even of despair. I felt like all feeling had left my body. I felt more suicidal than ever but too exhausted and disappointed in myself to dare try for a third time. I remember shortly after I bought tickets to see Sara B with my brother in California before heading home for Christmas. I had no job. Really no money to be buying tickets like that but I did. And it was well worth the purchase. I remember when she played "Many the Miles" it felt like all the background noise stopped for a second and all I heard were these lyrics:

There're too many things I haven't done yet

Too many sunsets

I haven't seen

You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down

You would have thought by now

I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl

I've been given this one world

I won't worry it away

But now and again I lose sight of the good life

I get stuck in a low light

But then love comes in

Despite the fact that I'd heard that song numerous times over the last year, it wasn't until the live performance that I actually got it. Felt it. I don't really know exactly why I'm reminicing over this at the moment. Perhaps it's the fact that I watched the Live at the Fillmore DVD last night or have just had an overall bad attitude for the past few months and I'm tired of feeling sad, and angry and disappointed. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. This freaks me out (hence the capital letters) I am a college graduate. Working at a grocery store...where I daily do everything but wipe the customer's asses. I HATE IT. I HATE MY LIFE. But I feel hopeless and helpless in changing anything because I am 28 and I still have no clue what I want to do when I "grow up". Anyways, so I guess I'm trying to take a little Sara B happy pill here...Sara B therapy if you will. So I thought I'd share those lyrics.

In other news. I bought a vitamix. In an attempt to be healthy. I haven't used it yet. I bought it almost 2 weeks ago. It's beautiful but I'm slightly intimidated by it. I'm hoping by next Monday I can get cracking. It is going to make a raw diet so much easier. 

Sondra and I celebrate our 6 month anniversary at the end of the month. We are going to see RENT. We are also going to be taking queer tango classes! I'm so excited for this! I've wanted to learn to tango SINCE hearing "Tango Maureen" in RENT...so it's perfect! And she is excited to do this too which in turn makes me even more excited that she is totally game and wasn't all "that's a lame idea but I'll take the class with you because I love you" haha. I graduated from Very Beginning Ballet to Beginning Ballet today :) Woohoo! Learning pirouettes now! Lol...I feel like a geek taking ballet classes but it's so much fun and a really good workout. This beginning class is only 4 weeks and then I go to Beginning/Intermediate Ahhh! Will also be joining in on a few Ball Joint Doll meetups this month. Anyone else here a collector? I'd say overall...despite this pseudo, lame ass depressive bit I've had going for the last few months, I'm pushing myself to be social and hangout outside of the apartment a little. Yay go me :)

I also need some more blogs to follow. If anyone has some good suggestions please respond below :) Also, is anyone else interested in doing vlogs? I set up a place to do private vlogs but I have yet to do any. Or does anyone know of an ed related vlog community? Sorry for this super long post.

<3 Jade

Sins of the Weekend

Monday thru Saturday no food.
Sunday went as follows:
1 cup of lentil dahl soup
1 gluten free and vegan lemon poppyseed muffin
1 bloody mary
1 mike's hard lemonade
1/2 a shot of tequila
2 slices of Amy's Vegan Margarita pizza
24 barbecue potato chips
2 slices of sweet pickles

Monday:
1 Grain Bowl- rice, tahini, spinach, black beans, salsa
1 Zing bar
1 small blueberry and banana smoothie

The following days will be fasting. Tuesday thru Friday. Saturday night I will be making my pesto artichoke pasta so I will hopefully have some energy for the 5k on Sunday.

Fuck Comcast

I'm so irritated. Who knows when I will have reliable internet. It really took all my courage to call comcast and get everything squared away and when they came today to hook it up it turns out the room that holds the connection was locked so I needed the landlord who wasn't there. This entire situation has been so anxiety provoking that I broke down into a full on panic attack when the comcast guy left, unable to get me connected. So now I have to call Comcast again to set up another meeting time AND call my landlord to open the room. And right now it's seeming too overwhelming that I'm thinking I'm never going to have internet.

My fast has continued...which was unintentional but once you go one day, moving to the second, third, fourth, and fifth seemed only necessary. My birthday is on Sunday. My parents are coming. This equals eating at lovely vegan restaurants. I love the atmosphere. I love that the food is "healthy" and beautiful and compassionate. But eating it is another story. I will be breaking my fast on that Sunday. I've obsessed over the menu and chosen a soup. Sunday night we are going to the vegan bar in town. Friends from work will be there. I'm sticking to alcohol for the rest of the night. If this was it...I wouldn't have stressed this week so much. But Monday afternoon my aunt wants to take me for a birthday dinner. I have picked that restaurant as well. Chosen a rice bowl with veggies and black beans. I wanted a salad but the only salad they have is a house salad which is a side. My aunt has been trying to take me to dinner for months and our schedules just haven't mixed well....I think she would be disappointed if I just got a house salad. I then have ballet after that. Blargh.

The plan for Tuesday is a run to fix the rice bowl and soup. 6 miles. Good training for my 5K. I will then fast Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Friday, half a banana. Saturday large kale salad with quinoa...in hopes that I will have energy for the 4 hour drive to the 5K and to actually run it.

I fit into my old jeans again. Which somewhat made up for this mornings awfulness.
 

Update

Hello all you beautiful girls. I have missed this place...along with PT (holy changes). Life has been trucking along as usual. After a terrible bout of bingeing I leveled out for a bit, was eating "normal" amounts of total crap, and then went into "Yeah! I want to be healthy...yes let's be healthy"...went raw, started eating "regularly", working out again...running. And it hasn't been enough. I still feel shitty, and I've caught myself skipping meals and upping my running again. Which always leads me back to here. I'm snuggling in again. I have internet starting on Thursday. I will be starting a new blog that will be attached to this one where I will...wait for it....vlog. Yes a blog just of vlogs.

Anyways, in depressing news, tomorrow is my two year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. Oh how dramatic that sounds. Sunday is my birthday. Today I'm fasting....for no particular reason except that it's Monday and Monday really should be a fasting day. Sondra (previously called Lynndsey...but fuck it I don't feel like changing her name every time) and I are still dating. Trisha hates me. But everyday I fall more and more in love with Sondra. I started taking an adult beginning ballet class which I love. This is my fourth week. The only bit I hate is squeezing into tights and a leotard and watching myself wobble around in front of the mirror. But it really is fun :) I'm running my first official 5K on the 20th so that's exciting. Hmmm...I believe that's it for now. Sorry for the spazzy update.

Seems to be that time again...

That time...the time where my mind has become so fucking stuck in self hatred and guilt, and FAT. It's actually time to do something about it. And I always feel like...yes! this will be the time. I don't even necessarily want to be happy. I just want to not hate myself.

Monday I'm restarting my Marathon Training. 4 months. And going raw. As raw as I feel like it anyways. Keeps me away from breads and carby shit like pizza. Some of my rules are as follows:

-no more than 1 serving of nuts a day
-no more than 2 cups of coffee or 1 latte a day (I know this isn't raw...I cannot part with my coffee. I literally start to hate my life even more than usual when I'm off it)
-alcohol once a week...again... not raw but whatever. Lyndsey and I have our once a week get together. We rarely get trashed anymore...just sip wine or Mike's and talk.

I kick tomorrow off with a 40 minute run. I haven't been running in weeks. My pants don't even fit. Yes, bingefest galore. I feel awful sick. Disgusting. Just gross.

New Day...plans in the works

So...apologies first off for that last post. I absolutely HATE being interupted...but it had been so long since I'd updated. Anyways, I've started running again. It took my awhile to get back to it because after moving I went into "ahhh! I'm afraid to go outside" mode. Which sucked...because I was also eating a bit more than usual. Okay...a lot more. Anyways, it is important for me to keep up my running and workout routine which is why I'm not going to restrict as heavily as before. 

Breakfast: nuts and almond yogurt

Lunch: salad

Dinner: soup and fruit

This meal plan should let me fall around 1000 calories a day. If I keep up with my minimum of 3 miles a day running. 1 mile walking (with dogs) and 30 minutes of workout video (Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30) I fall somewhere under 800. Binge days as usual require 10 miles of running. 

Anyways, I hope to be able to properly update soon. I'm seriously lacking the money but I need to get internet in my apartment. Love you guys. Thanks for reading. :)

Abruptly ended...thank you parents.

Well I dropped off the radar for a bit. Things have been odd, I feel completely displaced and out of my routine and my body is fully showing that right now. I've had a binge belly for the last week now and it's utterly depressing. Lynndsey loves my body...apparently. Of course she first saw me naked when I was around 95lbs. I'm absolutely terrified of the scale. It snowed really badly at my place about a week ago and she was stuck at my apartment for three days. We had binges together. It was awful and beautiful all at the same time. It's like we were letting each other in to our dirty little secrets...offering each other our trust...being completely vulnerable in front of one another. Of course as the days went on and I continued to eat...getting naked got harder.

Jeesus H CHRIST. I was doing this at home on my laptop and my parents keep popping their nosey little fucking faces over. To be continued....

Still here!

God. Moving has kicked my ass. I have been having about two days of decent restriction followed by 1-3 days of massive binging. It's killing my soul. I know it's because there is all this change going on and my life is in upheaval and I don't have time to plan and calculate and regulate and list and obsess and it's stressing me out. I haven't been on the scale in a week because I'm absolutely terrified it will blink back a number above 100. So instead I'm getting my shit together on Monday (the purest of days) and WILL lose the blubber I've accumulated since the move and get things back in order. I NEED to get my tupperware so I can calculate out my meals for the week, stick them in the fridge and lessen the amount I have to think about crap. I NEED to find a running route here (this is about 90% of my problem. I haven't been running, but I've been eating...and it makes me sad) Lyndsey did offer her treadmill to me...which I thought was super sweet. Have I said we are officially dating now? Going on about 3 weeks now. We are going to have a soup date coming up :) Where we actually make soup together. It's really nice because we never go out to eat so I don't have to stress about that.

In other news. I drove up to my old hometown the other day. For several reasons this was difficult. It was the first time I'd been there since opening pandora's box with Brenda. I thought it would feel nice and freeing to go back...I obviously have not processed shit well enough though because the second I drove into town I got the shakey sweats. Fuck that. Trisha wouldn't answer my calls when I was there and I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it all. I had plans to visit my old house and the beach...none of which I did. Probably getting to a place with Lyndsey where I will be able to talk about some of this. Could be helpful. Could also just freak me the fuck out. Who knows. My head has been full of metal beads since I left. Time to clear some of that out.

So yeah....here's a risk I'm taking since it's been awhile. Picture of me :) Being nerdy and excited about my new apartment keys:

(removed)

Blargh....dimples and glasses and no makeup. Gah. This will be removed soon.

94.5

.5 lbs higher than today's goal. Oh well.

I checked my mom's scale which has been at most 3 lbs lighter than what I really am so I added to the 91.5 lbs (oh wouldn't it be lovely if I was really there?). I wasn't able to check with mine this morning because everyone is home and my usual "smuggle it in under my showering clothes" wouldn't work because my dad was actually sitting in the room next to the bathroom at his desk. Grrrr.

I went running last night. It's weird because I know if I run on a low calorie day it's almost a guarantee I will binge, but I worry that if I don't run I will binge anyways. So I run...and then I binge. It was okay yesterday because Sundays for some reason tend to be a "fuck it all to hell, stuff odd shit in my mouth" kind of binge. I had had 200 cals for the day, ran 5 miles and then probably ate somewhere near 2000 cals. Which at least brought me down to a "normal person" day. But ugh. I'm running tonight. Probably 5 again. And then sticking to soup.