Resolutions and such.

1. Find a gym community...YMCA possibly? Yoga, self defense classes, swimming?, zumba
2. Take an art and dance class
3. Learn to verbally communicate my emotions to trustworthy company
4. Read more and keep up a book blog
5. Product review blog
6. Reach and maintain a weight I am comfortable with
7. Make more quality friends
8. Volunteer at Pasado's Safe Haven and Pigs Peace Sanctuary
9. Paint more
10. Pay $2000 off my credit card
11. Walk the dogs daily
12. Buy less shit
13. Find peace in the confusion
14. Explore, be spontaneous, live and stress less
15. Train and run a 5K, 1/2 marathon and marathon
16. Go to more concerts, more free concerts
17. Get more involved in the vegan community...do more for animals
18. Be more organized with my bills and mail in general
19. Get contacts, wear makeup...feel hot even when I'm not wearing those things
20. Get a half sleeve tattoo


I don't feel too great today. I did my 10 yesterday night. No running this morning, I fucked up my knee pretty bad again. Grr.

I came downstairs to a full fucking and disgusting breakfast. Which of course I'm not expected to eat because nothing is even remotely vegan. But it reeks of butter and sausage and nastiness in this house and it's irritating me. Watching and hearing my family shovel this shit into their mouths makes me want to scream.

Yesterday on the way to Seattle my dad was getting on my food crap. Because it was 2pm and I wasn't hungry. I seriously eat most of my calories for the day after 4pm and fill up on coffees before that. So I was a little upset that we were going to that vegan cafe so early....since he was already being in my shit I knew I couldn't get away with a salad so settled for a Jamaican tofu wrap. UUUUUUUGGGGHHHH GOD WHY. It was heaven. And I tried to enjoy it since we were at this cute fancy vegan bistro. I love those places. I love veganism. I love the hot girl with all the cherry tattoos and low cut t-shirt serving us. I love the exposed brick wall and sprig of *insert some fancy twig name* they put in the water for extra flavor. So I ate. I enjoyed? I tried. I finished. When I got home I ran. And I felt like I was either going to puke or shit myself. Neither of which I did, but it was not an enjoyable run. Around mile 6 my knee started aching. By 10 I was gimping around. And now, this morning.....oh lord.

I found an apartment yesterday. This brings me joy. I step out onto the road of my apartment and am actually greeted by the space needle. I can WALK to the space needle. My apartment is a studio. You walk in and there is a kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom. And it's all mine. Lyndsey says she is going to help me sage cleanse the place and ALSO (so excited for this!) going to paint me something to hang in there.

So New Years. This is going to be THE night...for me and Lyndsey. I'm freaking out. So fucking scared. I'm going to Target real quick before work to buy cute underwear. I have had NO reason for cute underwear in quite sometime. Trisha and I got so comfortable around year 3 that it just didn't matter anymore. I'm getting strawberries and champagne. I told her I would eat strawberries. And she said she would too. She has major anxiety about eating in front of people, has had a past with eds (bulimia is what I know about but I suspect more). We both play this game where we "don't worry" about each other...while secretly stressing. This is something I think that will become an issue later on in our relationship.

Anyways, real quick I want to say thank you to:
Depressed Skinny Mess
All that wander
Bones
Mich

You have been consistent commenters and I'm not ignoring that. I really do appreciate what you have to say. I'm sorry I've been so lousy at repaying the kindness you have all shown me in response to my rants. Tack it on to my new years resolutions. Be better at commenting :) Love you all.

Ugh binge face.

Bloaty. That's how I feel. I'm headed up to Seattle with my dad today to look at apartments. And go to a vegan restaurant. *insert UGH here* I binged last night at around 2am. Fuck. I will not stress. Salad. After the apartment hunt I'm doing 10. Tomorrow I will do 10 before work as well. I hate binging so close to Monday's. I will be happy if I maintained this week.

Lyndsey and I have plans for New Year's. I'm excited. And I'm happy. Yes, she makes me happy. We will be watching The L Word (she has never seen it....*gasp!!!* I know!*) and Secretary....Maggie Gyllenhaal *drool*

I may make a second post today with my New Year's Resolutions. And hopefully get on here later to do some reading and commenting.

95

Monday morning MY scale said 95. My mom's 92.5. I did two days of no food and then a slice of celebration roast and some salad on Christmas....so I'm sure I just lost water weight but I'm happy to see that I beat my goal for this week which was 95.5. Next Monday is 94. When I weighed this morning on my mom's scale (everyone was home so I couldn't sneak my scale into the bathroom) it said 95.5....so I know I gained a lot back...but I haven't binged. So I'm trying not to freak out and will just wait to assess on Monday and will determine my running schedule for that week depending.

Trisha and I had an epic blowout this morning. I can't even get into the details because it just upsets me so much. I feel so sad about where things are at with us. And I want to make her feel as guilty as I do. Eating won't be a problem this week.

Lyndsey and I are getting somewhat serious. Oh wait? I'm not sure I updated you all on my Christmas evening after work with her. We talked....and kissed. For the first time. It was nice. I stayed at her place a couple nights ago...and that was nice as well. I'm nervous. I really never thought I'd get comfortable with someone again...to even consider...sex. And we are definitely entering that stage of things....ugh...it's moving fast. We talk about everything before anything ever happens. Which I like. And I have nerves like you wouldn't believe about this next step. But then again, so does she. She has never actually had sex. We will be having an actual in depth conversation because she has had some definite abuse take place in the past and I'm terrified to have that talk. She is much further along in her processing of all of her stuff. I have barely admitted to myself what happened to me and hearing her shit scares me. Ugh...well this was a cryptic paragraph. But basically we will be talking before we have sex. You didn't need to know that but I'm talking about it anyways. This blog has become my dumping ground and I apologize. I've been terrible about responding to comments and reading. What I need right now is just a place for free flow thought. I will get back to better soon.

Christmas Eve Insomnia

I have been up all night. Not one bit of sleep. Literally staring at a wall until 3:30am then emailed Lyndsey (This is Cassie's new agreed upon name) my rambly late night thoughts and now I'm sitting here at Starbucks wondering how I'm going to make it through this day. I only slept 1.5 hours the night before. Hip bones are here. Finally. And the thigh gap is almost back. Parents are suspicious but hide suspicion by just buying foods that I eventually give in and binge on at odd hours of the night. I know they hear me. Binging makes me feel disgusting....even more so when people know what I'm doing. Need apartment. Also need a treadmill because it's getting fucking cold!

Lyndsey and I are talking after work tonight. It's been planned out. We usually do talk after work whenever we close together. We have sat in the parking lot for hours...literally 5 hours once, just talking. But this conversation will revolve around what's happening. I love that our minds are so similar because we have sat and obsessed over something that I think we both think is starting but both of us are too shy to do anything about. *sigh* Anyways, I'm nervous to start anything too serious with her. I like her, I do. But I'm not sure I want to be back in a relationship right now. Hmm...more on that convo later.

Onto food. The scale is starting to rule me a bit...which is fucking obnoxious. I have been weighing twice a day. No more. Despite the major binge fest, my mom's scale says 96.5 which I think means my scale would say 98.5 so I didn't gain but things must be shifting since my hip bones are here....my scale is stuck downstairs in grandma's bathroom and I haven't been able to get to it yet. I WILL get it by Monday for accuracy's sake. I've been allowing solid foods here and there but like to keep to liquids most days. As I mentioned I'm very loosely following ABC. Only in that I'm back on counting calories (another shitty sign that I'm obsessing) and alternating anywhere between 100-500 cals. and never above 800....unless it's binge day. In which case I run.  Run away from the calories and from the jiggles and the ass.

I was writing in my journal the other day and I said something that actually made me stop and think for a second.... "It's not okay to be sad unless I'm sick." I can't stand the thought of being alone in my depression. Of JUST being depressed. I AM sad....I don't really know why...but I am. And that isn't enough. That alone isn't right. When I screw with my eating, when I cut, it's so much better....it's manageable. It's OKAY. It validates the sadness. Anyways, I've been thinking about this more and more. I don't know what it means.

I've been doing this thing in my car. I know a lot of you love music as well so maybe you can relate. I've kind of been on a pop music run right now. So I just keep on the local radio station here that plays that stuff, but when something awesome comes on, say a little Lady Gaga or *gasp* Selena Gomez (god that is embarrassing to admit) I turn it up loud....not loud, but really LOUD....like it almost hurts. The music feels like a big blanket, just vibrating through the car. And my heart beats to it. It feels amazing. It's a guaranteed way to shut my head off sometimes. And since my head is constantly going on the way to work this has been really helpful. Anyways, that was kind of a random share. Lol....I'm definitely sleep deprived.

Hope you all have good weekends and holidays. I will be back to report life probably on Wednesday. I'm going to try to go comment and catch up! :)

Go Away Emotions.

Hello dears.

My insides and head are filled with so much emotion I don't really know what to do with it right now. This is highly uncomfortable. I can't really categorize my feelings, which is stressful and I feel I'm kind of panicking/ floating on air. Oh so where to begin.

1. Cassie and I had our wine night (I need to change her name on here again...apparently she hates the name Cassie hahah!)
2. We ended up cuddling...and it was really nice. We talked about it before the next wine night...or texted about it.
3. Well this most recent wine night we cuddled more...and having had talked about it, it was even nicer.
4. We woke up this morning and stayed in bed, awake and talking and cuddling for a good 2 hours. Let me say that the entire night before I was wanting to kiss her. But I'm too shy and wasn't nearly drunk enough to make the first move. In the morning she rolled over and kissed me on the cheek which was sweet. And then...she ALMOST kissed me on the lips, but pulled away. I texted her later today about it which she was really glad about. But now I'm frightened things are going to get awkward. I told her I definitely wouldn't have minded if she followed through with the kiss.

So I've got some  happy things going on there....I think. It actually just feels nice to have someone I can openly talk to about a lot of stuff and be physically close with. Because I don't touch a lot of people and I don't let a lot of people touch me. Not having Trisha, I've been feeling like I've actually been getting depressed from lack of touch.

I also spilled my guts about food to her. Which I hate. I was NOT going to do that, but she kept asking. And there is no reason not to trust her. I just worry that she will 1. Be triggered by my shit or 2. Worry, which I DEFINITELY don't want and I also don't want her to be watching me so closely. It makes me nervous, her knowing that I have "issues" and to know that she is now watching those issues. Ahhh, I can't explain.

So where does Trisha fit into all this? I don't know. Hence the constant freak out in my head. I'm not in love with Cassie. I'm not even sure I'm in lust with Cassie. I just like what's happening. I still desire a future with Trisha, kids a house. Everything. God I don't know.

I semi started ABCin' it recently, though I kind of have my own rules. I've started running again too. Weigh in on Monday. Though I'm freaking out about that. Also, I had to move my stuff upstairs because Grandma is coming to visit ('tis the season). I have to share a bathroom with my mom. Good bye comfortable weigh ins. I'm going to have to sneak. Which I hate.

More on the social and starving life later. Missed you girls.

Man Hater and I don't care.

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Bummer Mood.

Hello everyone. This is not going to be a happy post. I'm rather down and I'm down that I'm down. If that makes any sense. I've been stuffing my face since my 10 miler. And I'm not even hungry. It's disgusting. I've been closing my eyes when I go to the bathroom because I can't look at my legs. I can't face the mirror and showers are tricky. I feel all wobbly and sick. But that's not what I came to type about.

I had the shittiest day yesterday. I actually think....god I don't even want to type it out :'( I cannot cry in a Starbucks...ugh. I think Trisha and I...might be done. I am an asshole. I AM a verbal abuser. I've cut her down to nothing. Made sure she will never want me back. And I don't know why. I WILL be alone. I have no life without her. I'm sad and terrified. I feel myself slipping. It's scaring me. I want an apartment so I can come home from work and drown myself in vodka and sleeping pills....not to even die. Just not to feel. I took a few sleeping pills yesterday after my parents went to sleep. And then I had to drag myself to therapy. Which I HATE this new therapist. Today was the first time I mentioned the cutting and she seemed to think I did it to get attention from Trisha...umm excuse me? I've been cutting for 11 years, before I even knew Trisha, and Trisha didn't even know when I cut most times. Whatever. I miss B so much, it hurts. I went and looked at her therapy webpage today. Yeah I'm stalking my old therapist. Really, I just wanted to see her. I wish I could email her but I'm too afraid. There is nothing she can do for me now. She hired someone else in her office, so it looks like things are going really well for her :( I miss talking to her. I miss her being nice to me. She has a facebook and I want to add her....but don't want to at the same time. I'm rambling.

In other news, I'm sitting at a Starbucks outside the Paramont Theater in Seattle waiting to see Tori Amos....by myself (can we say loser?) I don't care. I really wanted to see her.

Anyways, thank you again for all your comments. I wish I could have upheld the awesomeness that was inspired by that 10 mile run by not bingeing. I hope I didn't let you all down. Getting my shit together on Friday.

98.5

Yeah...not much of a loss. Could it be the massive binge I had last night? I rectified it somewhat with 10 miles this morning (yeah I ate that much) and I hope to do 5 miles tonight...but will even settle for 2.

Someone had drawn dicks all around the lake sidewalk. So I ran in circles seeing penis after penis. Awesome.

Sorry for the shit update....again!!!

I swear, my next day off will be a proper update.

My Baby Alien

So had a pretty good day yesterday despite being completely exhausted. Yes, that meeting was far too early. Got a bit giddy because a girl I'm kind of fun crushing on wants me to teach her to knit....so we might get together next week. She is probably straight as an arrow...which is fine...because I'm definitely asexual. (I still haven't blogged about that...hmmm) I just like being in her presence. 

Anyways, I had this really awesome drink called "GoodBelly"...anyone had it? We sell them in these tiny containers at work and it's 100 cals. I needed it on my 10min because I felt like I was going to pass out. It gave me a good boost of energy. Then at lunch I had a cup of veggie soup. Got home around 9pm...ran for 3 miles (I don't know why I did that I only needed to do 2...but I was on a roll) and then fell asleep after my shower. Woke up this morning and had the hardest time dragging myself out of bed and out onto the sidewalk for a crappy 2mile run. Worst yet I'd say. Had a really difficult time pushing myself but once I start a workout I don't stop. 

Also, creepy moment. I was taking my shirt off after I ran...so I'm standing in front of the mirror, topless with my arms raised over my head and I can SEE my heart  pumping...right underneath my boob (tmi sorry) but it looked like it was going to JUMP out of my chest! I stood there for a good 5 minutes just watching it. Fascinating. It looked like a tiny alien. Weird.

 

Quick Update

Had a meeting at fucking 6am, meaning I had to wake and drive at 4:30am so running did not happen. But I will get my 2 miles in tonight after work. Yesterdays intake: Latte, 1 cup corn chowder with lots of hot sauce and an apple juice. I will not feel guilty about the apple juice. It's so weird....drinking my latte with vanilla flavoring does not bother me....fruit juice on the other hand.....

Today: Latte. I would really like to try to get by on juice until I get home and run and THEN have my soup. But I worry that could lead to a binge. So I might have soup at work and then just diet soda when I get home....then to bed. But the parents are always watching. God dammit. I'm too old for this. I NEED my own place. Have I said this before? ;)

I got one "have you lost weight?" yesterday. I don't feel like I have....but maybe? I've been itching to get on the scale...but I will resist until Monday.

Deceit in the Kitchen

Did my 2 miles this morning. Yesterdays intake was my latte and a bowl of Amy's Split Pea Soup and Diet Coke. I didn't eat until 6pm yesterday and I SOOOOO wanted to just do another day of nothing but I knew it would be a bad idea since I had to work today.

Dirtied up the kitchen yesterday when my dad took a nap. There is something so odd and powerful about holding a piece of bread and scattering a few crumbs on the counter and NOT stuffing it in your face. Dip a knife in veganaise, put it in the sink. Throw out bread and a few pieces of Tofurkey. *Deep breath* and relax.

Trisha emailed me back. Kat is moving. Good fucking riddens. I HATE her. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. I hate thinking about them.

Lame update.
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All that wander. I only do long runs (5miles+) if I've had a binge the night before. I usually have enough energy from all the calories I took in or enough anger to push myself. For the liquid days 2 miles is rough. I don't get lightheaded but it gets hard to breathe. I'm definitely not a fast runner, but right now I'm keeping my miles well under 10 minutes so I'm happy with that :)

Only one good thing worth trying to be

and it's loved. I love that song. In my head. And I'm sad, so I like it there.

Email fight with Trisha last night. Which is entirely one sided since she never responds to me. Went out with my college friends. Left feeling ugly and inadequate. I love them, I really do. It's my own insecurities that stops me from enjoying myself. One of the girls was my roommate my freshman year. We use to restrict silently together and then binge big time on the weekends (think bags of chips, cookies...the works, spread all over the dorm room). While she'd head to the bathroom to barf or use laxatives, I'd sit on my bed crying. Slice open my arms. And go to the gym. We never talked about any of this. It was just something we did. She is now a mother of two, with one on the way. Beautiful....model gorgeous. The other two girls? One just graduated law school, the other a successful real estate agent. Have I mentioned they are all beautiful? And then there is me. I have no fashion sense, so even if I wasn't short and weird looking....it would mean nothing. I hang out with them and I'm reminded how gross I am. Anyways, it was Olive Garden as I mentioned before. Everyone made a HUGE fucking deal that I was just having wine despite the fact that I have, on numerous occasions, said there is NOTHING there I can eat. The dumb ass waitress tried to tell me that the Alfredo was vegan. I TRUST NO ONE....simply because they are all RETARDED! So, I got away yesterday with my latte and two glasses of white wine. And felt lovely. I made a "fake dinner" and threw it out before I left. What a fucking thrill. There is something wrong with me. Secrets make me strong.

So, since I had nothing yesterday (I don't count alcohols or my latte) I ran my one mile. I think I injured my knee slightly on my 5 mile so today was a little difficult. I was kind of gimping through the park. Whatever.

How depressed I am can always be determined by my bill at Half Priced Books. In the last week and a half I've spent over $150. And I can't even start any of the new books I got because I'm STILL trying to work through "The Little Stranger"....which is a STUPID, boring book. I bought "Winter Girls"...I'm slightly embarrassed but I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there and it was only $4. I also got some Faery books. Cassie taught me how to read tarot cards at the last wine night so I've been working with my Faery Oracle Cards I've had for years and never used. It's been fun. That card I pulled last night when asking whether this thing with me and Trisha is meant to be. It signifies being open to love without conditions. It was upside down though so it can be interpreted as being unable to love others until the self is loved. Oh, faery oracle....you know me so well! Hahah!

I'm not going to the beach today. Mainly because it was just a chore to get out of bed. And I just want to chill today and not drive all over timbucktwo. Depending on the number Monday I may do pictures or a vlog....Ohhhh exciting! Hahha not really, but I think it'd be fun. I've enjoyed it in the past when some of you girls have done them.

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Also....does anyone know why it doesn't show my followers on the side? It says I have none, but I know I have 10. :(

Soup, Sandwiches and Starbucks

Oh dear, Dad's catching on. Today's conversation revolved around how I only drink Starbucks and when I'm not having Starbucks I'm eating soup. I had a fucking sandwich yesterday thank you very much.....which accounts for my 1lb weight GAIN.

I need out of here.

I ran 5 miles today because of my slight binge. I've decided if I haven't eaten anything the day before 1 mile is acceptable. Liquids 2-3miles. Mild-Medium binges 4-5miles. Massive lose control binges 7-8 miles. Also included on any day I binge is some resistance training the night of.

Mondays are now weigh ins since the first has come and gone. 100lbs. I'm blaming that on the binge and the slight possibility I'm gaining a little muscle from running. Since I gained....it's nothing today and liquids for the week. Which works. I'm scheduled to go with my "friends" to Olive Garden where I will promptly involve myself in a glass of white wine. If I lose next Monday then I can go back to crunchy things like carrots and salsas and hummus and pineapple and apples and all that jazz. Oh yeah....obsession came and kicked my ass.

I sent a picture to Trisha in my new Sara B shirt. She said I needed to eat. I say she is only saying that because she knows I'm not. Here are my new shirts....maybe next week I will post a picture of ME in them...if I've lost.

Happy Monday all!

Protected.

************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
     If the sight of unused razor blades is triggering for you...please proceed no further. <3 Jade

This blade has been mocking me for weeks. And I wonder if it's what started shit spinning in my head. Of course no one in my family knows that leaving razor blades strewn about the house would be triggering for me. This particular one has moved a few times, but it finally found it's resting place underneath the bones of the left over thanksgiving turkey. I've been watching it curiously since the dreadful holiday. As disgusting and morbid it is to have those bones sitting on the window sill, it's protecting me. Keeping my twitching fingers from reaching for it.


Anyways, I do apologize for the word vomit on my last entry. I felt like I was on crack and couldn't stop talking. I'm less chatty today. And only here to tell you that running has been going well. My Sara Bareilles shirts I ordered on black friday came yesterday. And Trisha sent me a present and it made me happy :) It's the book version of this amazing spoken word, long but worth the listen.

What? Me?....a social life?

Yes, I think it's happened. I have the next four days off and all but one are filled with something to do. It's a bit overwhelming because what I really really want to do is curl up in front of the fire with my animals and read. But, it feels nice to have friends...I think?

Hung out with Cassie last night for another wine night. I ended up just drinking 2 mike's hard lemonades and was wonderfully drunk. Woohoo for drinking on an empty stomach ;) It was nice staying up until 4am and just talking. Just talking. *sigh* I can't explain to you girls how amazing it feels. I literally have been silent for roughly 10 years....since high school (wow that aged me a bit). Trisha was my secret keeper (yeah I harry potter referenced) I have had NO friends....or people I would actually consider friends. You know the ones...the girls you can sit and talk to without fretting over how you look or what you say? Anyways, so it's been nice to have Cassie. I enjoy her company. I think she enjoys mine, and I spend the whole night laughing and smiling. God...that alone feels good. TO LAUGH.

Today I'm going apartment hunting with an old friend from High School. I REALLY hope I'm successful in finding something. We are checking out the West Seattle area. I NEED to be moved out by the first of January. How wonderful would that be? What a great start to the new year. All I can think of is decorating a space that is all mine.

Sunday, because my mom has been getting all weepy, saying things like "I never see you anymore" I will be sitting at home with her crocheting. Or rather she will be teaching me to crochet. I've never gotten the hang of it. Knitting I get. So that will be good. I love having crafty things I can do with my hands. Keeps them from shoving crap in my face.

Monday night I kind of have two things planned and it's stressing me out because I'm going to either have to be really late to one or not go to another. I'm meeting up with my college roomates from freshman year. I love them so much. And we always try to do a monthly get together. We are going to Olive Garden (Vegan haters....which works for me because I can get away with only drinking wine). Later that night a guy from work invited me to his place for bloody mary's. Typically my stance on guys, alcohol and their apartments are "HELL NO"...but he's super nice and in a good relationship already, knows I'm a lesbian, and we've already connected on the "having your heart broken" stuff. I never hang out with guys....never have I had even guy friends but I like him. He reminds me so much of my brother...quite a prankster and just silly. Acts like he's 18 but he's 24 hahaha. Anyways, so yeah I'm hoping that get together starts a little later.

Tuesday will be MY day. Depending on how I'm feeling I might drive to the beach. It takes about 2.5 hours. If I can get my ass out of bed early enough I might do that and do my run on the beach. Which sounds beautiful...even if it's going to be bite ass cold.

Also, side random note. Anyone ever gotten the bingys in a highly public place? I was at work yesterday and I know that had I been at home alone I would have eaten the entire fridge. It was making me so anxious (working in a grocery store does not help) I took my 10 and wandered around the store looking for something I could eat but knew that I wouldn't have enough time to have a "proper binge", besides the fact that I had NO place to do it. So I ended up getting the nastiest thing I could find just to stop myself from obsessing. I got a spinach quinoa salad...which doesn't sound bad...but it really was. I nommed on a little of that and then went back to work. On my lunch I just got a Chai tea because I was freaked out I was just going to lose my shit and eat the whole store and binge like crazy in front of everyone. Well, then wine night occurred and I just filled up on that. So here I am today and the bingys have subsided. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to know....have you ever lost control in front of people? The only person I've ever binged in front of is Trisha...and she hasn't actually seen the really bad ones at midnight where I sit on the floor and eat whatever is in front of me.

God this is long. I do apologize.
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Lottie: You made my life by checking when the next Monday the first is! Hahah I love that :) Let the countdown begin! Also, I'm a shorty 5''3'
Depressed: Thank you hun. You are so right.
All that Wander: Thank you! And definitely like Christmas! That's a wonderful way to put it!
Bones: I wish I knew what I was doing! Hahah...I'm wondering if I got here from the liquid fasting, but I've done that in the past and never had much success. Anyways, thanks girl!
Run: Hmmm what is it suppose to feel like? That's such a good question. I'm going to think on that.
Love LA: I need to work on muscle....I mean I'd like to have some....I just wish it wasn't so god damn heavy ya know? Hopefully with the running though I'll gain a bit of strength.

What...the...fuck.

Happy December first?

God, I love the first. I also love Mondays. I wish it was Monday December first. Oh a girl can dream.

Anyways, I weighed myself this morning. And, I'm not happy with the number for completely opposite reasons than I thought I'd be. First off, I thought I'd be around 104...I even convinced myself yesterday as I was buying the scale I wouldn't be completely depressed if I was around 107...111. I felt deep inside that I was going to be above 104. But it was going to be okay. "I'm going to start running...fasting, 800 cals, fasting, juices, soups, coffee....yes it will be alright" So, I kind of closed my eyes when I got on the scale...determined that no matter what it said....I would....be alright. Well it said 99. Completely naked, before showering, after my run.

"Fuck, I must have put the battery in wrong."
*pops out battery, shakes vigorously*
reweigh.
Flashing 99.
"Fuck, I got a broken scale."
Shower...obsess, obsess....
Dress.
reweigh
Flashing 100.
Listen for dad....sneak upstairs.
reweigh on mom's scale....3 times.
Flashing 97.
"God damn motherfucking scales! I pay for accuracy dammit!"

So, it's bittersweet. I don't feel under 100lbs. And I'm getting a new scale this weekend. I think I'm going to have to pull out the big bucks and get a nice one. Because now I don't trust this $20 clunker. And I'm also convinced that I've just lost a ton of muscle and it's all turned to fat. Because I still feel like I'm rolling out of  my jeans. Anyways, enough of that.

Thank you for your comments Depressed and Bones :) I meet with my therapist on the 14th so we'll see how I'm feeling by then.

Day Before

I feel my mood draining. It's interesting to sit back and watch it. I'm starting to wonder when it WILL be necessary to bring up my reoccurring suicidal thoughts to this new therapist. I miss B.

 I'm craving my own apartment. I want to be sick in it. This is messed up...I KNOW. I have nothing new to say.

Tomorrow is the first. Best days of the year are on the first. I'm getting my scale (so I don't have to use the one upstairs), my new running jacket, and getting my playlist all set up. Sorry for the crappy update.

Sometimes I like to imagine...

Or really, it's probably quite delusional....but I see girls all around me on their computers here at the Starbucks, and I think....hmmm I wonder if they are blogging right now. I wonder if they are on PT right now. I have a bit of paranoia when it comes to people looking at me. I feel like they are staring. I like to imagine that they are trying to figure me out instead of thinking how horribly awful I look.

Trisha and I have moved to email only communication. Simply because I can't control my rage/outbursts/crying and depression sessions when thinking of her and Kat. So we just text and email. I miss her voice. I miss her cuddling me. I bought these journals for us the last time we hung out in Chicago at Anthropology. It's a 5 year journal and each day it asks you a simple question. Trisha and I have been emailing our answers to each other. It's been kind of nice. Honesty is so key at this really rocky time in our relationship so....I've been honest. She knows I've been struggling yet again with this bullshit. And this is the first time I've actually offered up that information up to her. I think she was thankful. Of course she wants me to talk to my therapist about it. Which I won't do. She would absolutely laugh and the lump sitting across the way from her.

I feel myself getting a little obsessive at the thought of weighing myself on Thursday. I want to limit my calorie intake again...to a number. Weigh once a week...............I don't know. We'll see. I have four days off in a row starting Saturday. I'm apartment hunting but honestly I'm most worried to have too much time on my hands. I'm going to go for a run in Seattle on Saturday morning and might head to the beach later on in the weekend. Yes, it's freakin' cold at the beach this time of year, but still beautiful. Pictures possibly :)

Also, any of you have a facebook?  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001264383019
I'm bored as hell.

Oh yeah.

I remembered why I stayed away from liquid diets. Because they end in not one binge, but five ca-trillion. Is ca-trillion a real number? If not, I'm making it one. I feel like a lump and it's my own fault. And I can't wait to MOVE THE FUCK OUT. Seriously. Empty cupboards, empty fridge, exercising whenever the hell I want to. To be honest it was the thanksgiving stuffing that did me in. My mom made it vegan so I had no excuse. And though I resisted it on the actual day there was no shutting out the whispers from the fridge last night....or the night before. Fuck stuffing.

Still weighing in on Thursday with what I'm sure will be dire results. I'm really hoping I land somewhere under 104. And that....if I can keep the binge monster under wraps for the next few days....should be doable. I'm getting my running playlist together today. And scheduling my runs for next week. I have wine night with Cassie on Friday night. Don't tell me how many calories are in wine. It's the one thing I don't feel guilty drinking...though I probably should. I need ONE indulgence.

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Elara! I'm so glad to have found another Sarah Waters fan! To be honest this isn't my favorite book of hers. I think Fingersmith or Tipping the Velvet were my tops :) But this one in interesting enough. So far it revolves around this family (Mother, brother, and sister and two maids) who live in this "haunted" house and is told from the point of view of the doctor who becomes a family friend but is mainly visiting for the brother's war injuries. I'm about half way through it and I don't really see any crazy twist coming, but Sarah is good at saving that right up until the end. I'll let you know if it's worth the read. Since we seem to have similar book tastes do you have any other suggestions? I'm reading The Hunger Games after this but hear those are a quick read.

...And a random book review.

Sorry I've been really crappy at commenting recently. I do read everyone's blogs that I'm subscribed to, I just don't know what to say most days. *shrug* This week I've been feeling a bit bummed out. Nothing to worry about, just sad. And I've been having these awful dreams about Trisha hating me, saying she never loved me. Last nights dream ended in me punching the shit out of bathroom tiles and then barfing up salad. It was quite intense.

I also feel quite large today. Yadda yadda...I know. It's weird. I stuck to liquids and soups Mon.-Wed. Then had a small bit of food for thanksgiving with Vitamin water zero...(I managed to actually get out of the big sit down dinner! Yay for work!) Probably didn't top 800 calories for the day. And I woke up feeling ginormous! I really can't wait until Dec. 1st when I start running. Yes, I could just start running tomorrow but it's not the 1st or a Monday and therefore against the rules.

Also, the friend that I made....that I talked about earlier? I need to give her a name here. Hmmm...I'm not too creative. Let's say Cassie. She's had eating issues in the past....use to be a ballerina and all so I'm not surprised. She asked if I'd ever had any "food issues" to which I responded "off and on. nothing serious." What the fuck is my deal. Here, the universe has placed this amazing person with which to confide in and I can't even do it. We talk openly and comfortably about cutting. And I think I don't have a problem with that because I don't do it anymore. But I'm actively participating in my weird eating behaviors and feel guilty. One because she is struggling and I certainly don't want to make it harder for her. Nor do I want to necessarily stop what I'm doing. Oh goodness. So that's life for the moment.

Also I'm reading a good book thought you should all know (god, I'm so interesting *sarcasm*) :

It's pretty good. She's probably my favorite author next to J.K. Rowling of course. If you like victorian mystery type things and aren't turned off by a little girl girl love (nothing excessive) you'd like her stuff. I recommend Affinity for sure. Why am I suddenly giving a book review? I don't know. I'm shutting up now.

Addicted to Liquids XD

Thank you for all the lovely comments. I made it back to Starbucks. I was in California for the last few days visiting the farm I interned at last year. It was beautiful. I miss all the animals from there terribly.

I successfully finished my solid food boycott on Saturday night when Trisha called (our anniversary). However, I've been contemplating continuing it with soups and things mixed in. It's so weird because after only eating liquids for awhile I had a minor binge when I got home (two peices of toast with earthbalance, a bowl of tomato soup and some pita chips) and it's the craziest feeling. My entire insides burst to life. My heart felt like it was trying to fly away. It felt like the blood was rushing through my veins and speeds I didn't know were possible. It was a lovely feeling. And that is addicting. I don't typically liquid fast because I know the weight just comes right back, but I felt so alive in that moment of binge. How sick is that. So I've been thinking I'll do liquids...including soups that may have noodly bits or lentils in them....and then once a week have a controlled small binge. Who knows what this will do for my waste line. Probably nothing. December starts my running regimen which I'm stoked for...yeah I used that word, I went there. I have a beautiful new green ipod and watch. I'm all set to bust some ass. It's going to be cold! But I have a $15 credit at the running store nearby so I'm going to go get a cute jacket.

Tattoo plans in the making. So pictures will be posted whenever I go do that. Probably before January sometime.

Ohhh and Tori Amos concert in December and Emilie Autumn in January. Still looking for a date to both. FYI. I will go alone but that is so sad :(

Wow...like a week later.

Hey...sorry for such the long delay. Let me explain that I'm living with my parents and they have a computer the size of a car so regardless of the fact that I don't dare take the chance of deleting history and such, I can't get onto my sites for fear they could read what I was writing from miles away. Anyways, my laptop is shotty. It only works in certain places....thank god this Starbucks being one of them. Sooooo I can't be on here as often as I like. Which is driving me mad. Had a couple binges this week but FEEL (my pants are looser) that I've lost a little even though I should get my period soon. TMI I know. I'm not weighing until December first. I know it's kind of arbitrary....but the first just feels good. I can't explain it any further than that.

I'm on all liquids as of yesterday and there is a little behind this. I, as I've mentioned on my old blog before, use food as a punishment to other people. I hope that it hurts them (logically knowing it only hurts me). When I get angry, I stop eating, when I want someone to hurt, I stop eating. So, that being said, Trisha and I stopped talking. I told her I just couldn't anymore. I realized I'd been carrying on an emotional relationship with her for the last two years and it's literally driving me insane. This is probably the worst idea ever since Trisha is the ONLY person I talk to in my life. Could be dangerous. So yes, I'm being self destructive in that sense. And I'm on liquids until she just can't take it anymore and calls me anyways. Until her heart can't stand the separation. I'm on a solid food boycott...for love. What...a....wacko. Meanwhile, I hope I crash and burn. I hope my heart explodes. Our "anniversary" is on Saturday.

In other news, and this is somewhat relevant. I met this girl at work and we've really hit it off....friendship wise, just so we are clear. (I'm going asexual...if "going asexual" is even possible....we'll save that for another blog). Anyways, we've been through SO many of the same things it's scary. But it is absolutely the most wonderful feeling in the world to have someone to talk to about shit. So yay! Maybe just having this person to talk to will allow me to move past Trisha.

Okie dokes....that's that. Sorry again for such a delay here. I'll try to find more time to hit up the Starbucks.

Lara Bars

Love'em. Very few ingredients and I know what all the ingredients are...which makes me happy.

Books.

So I'm sitting in the library because my computer sucks and it won't pick up the wireless at home. LAME. This blog is lame as well...I'm aware...and yet I don't really care. I'm too tired to give a shit.

Anyone want to do a bracelet exchange? I was thinking it'd be a fun way to get to know people a little better. Maybe a New Year's thing. Give us some time. I don't know. My brain is working funny these days. I started reading The Virgin Suicides again and was really eeked out by how it's written by horny teenage boys. I remembered liking that book so much when I first read it. Anyways, so I only made it half way through that one this time. I just finished up the Harry Potter series....again and am now looking for some other books. I just bought Anthem by Ayn Rand for $3.00, deal. But it's a short one, should be done with it soon. Suggestions?

Life today.

Let me expand a bit on my situation at the moment. Last I left off I was living in Wisconsin, with Trisha (my ex). I moved to California for a bit to complete an internship and then decided I needed to stay the hell away from Wisconsin. So I moved back to Washington, finally;  however, in with my parents. That last little bit is killing me. It's just to get on my feet. I have a job now and am able to start looking for apartments which I'm excited for. But I'm also a bit nervous. Will I self destruct on my own? Though my parents are in the dark about everything (my 2 hospital stays last year, the state of my arms, and my general eating weirdness) I think the presence of them keeps me sane...while driving me nuts all the same. If I had my choice and I was alone in the house I would have more freedom to completely self destruct. Knowing they are there and my need to protect them from my insanity keeps me from descending even deeper into this hole. So, naturally I'm a little nervous, though curious, how I would be in an apartment on my own.

Other things that are beyond stressing me out: I've never really been good at making friends. For the entire 6 years that Trisha and I were together she did all the friend making and I latched on and built it from there. Now, I find myself alone and desperate for some kind of human interaction (this is odd...I always thought myself to be perfectly content and happy without people in my life). So with work I've made a couple friends. I have my first big "friend date" coming up this week. A girl from work wants me to teach her to knit. I cannot explain the anxiety that has followed this invitation. I hate going to people's houses....how long is it appropriate to stay? (I don't read social cues all that well) What if I can't remember all the knitting stitches when we get together? God I'm a freak. Anyways, this is why online friends have always done me so much better. *sigh*

Sorry I don't have any fun pictures or anything...not feeling all too creative these days.

The dreaded scale.

First weigh in will be December. The scale will not rule me. Once a month weigh ins. I will stick to this.

A circle never ends.

This bitch is back. Not happy with myself. I seem to have fallen quite a ways since I've last been here....last deleted my blog, bound and god damn determined to be done with this shit. And yet, here I am again. I have a job now, so this blog won't be nearly as interesting as I won't have the time to update every day. I'll be checking in now to see how all you girls have been. I have missed you.

Not following a particular diet. About a week ago I noticed myself going to the grocery store to buy all my pre"diet" foods. Vegan pot stickers, chickn' nuggets, pizza....the works. Again, blindly, the next day I severely reduced my calorie intake and my next grocery trip I stood at the register realizing my basket was full of "safe" foods. I kind of woke up in the middle of that and realized what I was doing...where I was headed....again. Whatever. I don't feel like fighting this. I feel like this is less destructive than physically and outwardly injuring myself. Plus it's easier to hide and, to me, less embarrassing if discovered.  I'm in counseling with a new therapist...don't know how I feel about her yet. Not sure I want to talk about food issues with her. I miss B (my old therapist). Trisha is seeing her now that I moved back to Washington.

So that's the back story. Again, really missed you guys. I'm off to see how you all are. Hope these many months have been good to you :)